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jaysbee · Mar 24, 2011, 06:13 PM

Hi I'm 18 me and my boyfriend have been together 11 months now . I moved my home country for him and we met on a holiday . A week before I moved over I was in hospital and he took a break from the relationship because some girl he worked with was flirting with him and he didn't know what to do .

First three months after I moved I couldn't get a job because I couldn't speak Spanish but even though I didn't have a job I searched everyday he never came home to a dirty house his dinner was always ready and I did all his washing recently we've taken a holiday to where I lived to see my parents we came back and a week later he had another turn and he wanted me to go back home and live with my parents he told my mum he would pay for the ticket and then 3 days later he was fine again..

Now Ive recently gave up my job but only because he was sending me home it wasn't a lot of money but it was better then nothing now Ive found out he was talking to my best friend behind a bar where none could see them and then next day there was a message from my friend on his phone a reply but there was no message to her he told me he deleted the message because I would get angry then I asked my friend and she said she'd just deleted her messages this all seems funny to me but I don't know whether there ling or not..

My boyfriend doesn't speak to me when he has a problem and I'm getting kind of tired of putting so much effort into the relationship and getting nothing back now he goes to work comes home plays on his phone or the computer or watches TV and doesn't even notice Ive cleaned or made his dinner or done his washing I'm getting so frustrated and I don't think its fair as well as this Ive got both my grandparents at home dying and I'm sitting here being told I'm lazy and selfish cause I don't have a job so much stress and I don't know what to do please help...

talaniman · Mar 24, 2011, 07:17 PM

May I ask what you are doing with a fellow you don't trust or like how he treats you? Go home, stay home, and let him hire a maid and a cook.

jaysbee · Mar 25, 2011, 04:28 AM

I'm still with him because every time I try and leave I can't do it... I love him its not that easy

talaniman · Mar 25, 2011, 05:18 AM

This is but a preview of the way things will be unless you can learn to communicate, and resolve your trust issues, together, but you are already distracted by your intense feelings for him, that you are ignoring the red flags that are waving.

a week before I moved over I was in hospital and he took a break from the relationship because some girl he worked with was flirting with him and he didn't know what to do .

This was the way this thing started, and then,

now Ive found out he was talking to my best friend behind a bar where none could see them and then next day there was a message from my friend on his phone a reply but there was no message to her he told me he deleted the message because I would get angry then I asked my friend and she said she'd just deleted her messages this all seems funny to me but I don't know whether there ling or not..

Put this with his lack of appreciation, and the way he talks to you about your lack of a job... I don't know, but that doesn't sound like love, nor caring, to me. So communicate or leave.

I think your feeling run deeper than his. You have been together for 11 months, just curious as to how long you had been together after you met him that you moved in together, and why you moved in with him?

jaysbee · Mar 25, 2011, 06:31 AM

I met him in October 2009 and visited with my parents April 2010 and we started going out then and have bin together since

talaniman · Mar 25, 2011, 08:31 AM

Moving in together seems such a drastic move to make, and limits your options after the honeymoon was finally over. You don't get the breaks that dating couples can get to miss each other, and another factor that may be the biggest one I think is the fact you are so completely dependent on him. You have no other outlets to frustrations, and stresses that couples have, and no other adult interactions to stimulate your mind, and emotions.

He is your whole existence, and that's not healthy. That has to change somehow, even if it means being without him until you get on your own feet, and can grow, and thrive as a separate person.

Simply put, you have made yourself helpless to effect any changes, or adjustment that are necessary for you to do good things for YOURSELF.

jaysbee · Mar 25, 2011, 09:49 AM

Its not that bad I go out and see my friends not as often as I would like but I do... and I haven't depended completely on him until now

talaniman · Mar 25, 2011, 10:32 AM

Then I will say since he doesn't seem to be of any help right now, then its you who must make the right choices for yourself.

Give it some thought. Enough to make a realistic plan for yourself, and then just do it! Maybe he will come around, maybe he won't so depend on yourself.

doona · Mar 31, 2011, 02:14 AM

I understand what you are going through! I met and fell in love with a guy, who was charming and very attentive towards me but after six months he slowly started to change towards me, just like your guy is with you, going hot and cold ! Unfortunately for me, we have a child together and now he is a complete tyrant. He undermines me calls me lazy, ignores me and plays his computer games. Says am overweight (am not am only 7st7. ). He verbally abuses me ! Every day he finds faults with me! Its starts to chip away at your confidence until you become a total mess ! If you are not to ashamed of the situation you find yourself in, you could cry yourself to sleep every night and he doesn't care! Do you want to end up like me? I would strongly advices you to leave him, he is emotionally unavailable, he is a player who always want to play with someone new! Find yourself someone who can treat you with respect and enjoys being with you, just because you are you! Good Luck.