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ZiggyD1 · Mar 24, 2011, 04:13 PM

My boyfriend who I am still in love with cheated on me and then said it was because he knows we are not sexually compatible. I have had a past which had made sex for me quite negative, up until I met my ex- he was the first I really wanted to be with. This makes his reasons for cheating on me and leaving me all the more devastating. I do not know how to move forward. Our sex life had always had a lot of tension, mainly because my hang-ups came into the relationship eventually.. and it effected how he felt about us obviously.. stopped being passionate and became quite passive. This went on for a long time, but I suppose I just didn't know how to change it. We were together for years but had always been so loving and close to each other. How can I move on to another relationship after such betrayal?

martinizing2 · Mar 24, 2011, 04:48 PM

How old are you? It is necessary to confirm your age .

Have you been to counseling about your sexually inhibiting past?

Usually a past like you describe needs to be dealt with to keep it from causing any more problems in the future as you are dealing with now.

It is also a testimony to holding back on the sexual part of a relationship until you are very confident about your partner and your future together.
Being in a situation where you feel you were making some progress and to have it disappear can be an enormous setback.

I would recommend that you consult a professional in regards to this and get a new perspective that hopefully will be the path to overcoming this.

ZiggyD1 · Mar 24, 2011, 07:12 PM

I am 27 and no haven't been to counseling to talk about my sexual problems specifically. I have spoken to counsellors before about my general past but this did not help my relationship with my partner enormously.
Maybe the problem between us had just gone too far.

I think I hoped for a change in myself overnight and this is most clearly not possible.
Yes going to talk to a professional again is definitely the next step I need to take. I did feel like I was progressing, so yes it does feel like a set back. But he is not worth it if this is how he chose to treat me. Thanks for the reply.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 24, 2011, 07:30 PM

First his cheating has and had nothing to do with YOU, he cheated because he wanted to have sex with someone else, he made a choice. He is merely trying to blame someone else to excuse his poor moral choices.

So before things can work out, he has to take responsibility for his actions, since with that brain though, anytime something is not "his way" he could go cheat

If you want ( and I would not with someone who could cheat so easy) you and he needs counseling to work though the issues.

ZiggyD1 · Mar 24, 2011, 07:41 PM

He didn't take responsibility for his actions- merely said 'sorry, but think its for the best anyway. Don't worry you'llfind someone else' then asked me did I want an open relationship!

We havve broken up for good, suffice to say. But he went literally overnight from (at least acted like) a devoted partner, to this heartless selfish person.

I know it would seem as if I've had a lucky escape- but it is very , very hard not to take his cheating personally. But you. I am definitely the better person here. He is truly immoral and pathetic, but does not make me feel any better!

martinizing2 · Mar 24, 2011, 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by ZiggyD1

My boyfriend who i am still in love with cheated on me and then said it was because he knows we are not sexually compatible. i have had a past which had made sex for me quite negative, up until i met my ex- he was the first i really wanted to be with. this makes his reasons for cheating on me and leaving me all the more devastating. I do not know how to move forward. Our sex life had always had a lot of tension, mainly because my hang-ups came into the relationship eventually.. and it effected how he felt about us obviously.. stopped being passionate and became quite passive. this went on for a long time, but i suppose i just didn't know how to change it. we were together for years but had always been so loving and close to each other. how can i move on to another relationship after such betrayal?

First you need to heal from this relationship.
No Contact is a great start. No calls, letters, texts, information about him from anyone is out, no Facebook, twitter, nothing, if you inadvertently see him don't even wave if more than one finger is involved.

His weakness is no reflection on you. You are not at fault because
He was not man enough to abide by commitment and trust.

The time will come when you will start to look.

Try meeting new guys for very casual dates (made clear beforehand ) and gently ease back into some sort of social life you are comfortable with.

You will find the ones interested enough in you to be patient and understanding from the start, and the one you're looking for will at least have a chance to find you.
This can be a very basic plan you can build on as the emotions transform.

Life always goes on so we all might as well work on making it as pleasant as possible. Even when it looks as dreary as it must look to you now.

talaniman · Mar 24, 2011, 08:13 PM

You need a proper healing and nothing better than being supported by friends and family and activities you enjoy. Have fun and stop looking for love and romance to be happy, because that's your responsibility, so don't get into any more relationships until you are healthy again after a proper, and LONG healing process.