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asg123 · Mar 21, 2011, 01:02 PM

Okay so I have been dating this girl and she is a year younger then me, I am 17 she is currently 16. We met last May and have been going out since, she is extremely good for me she is always there through whatever and has dealt with me at my worse. I feel comfortable enough to do anything with her so pretty much I find her to be perfect but there is one problem which haunts me every single day and has brought me to a point of really low self esteem. The thing that haunts me constantly is that about two months before me and my girlfriend met she was going out with this kid who was a player and was known by everyone in my school and on Facebook to be one. He basically uses girls for sex and leaves them, which is exactly what he did with my girlfriend except he took her virginity, had sex with her one more time and broke up with her. From what I know she was really into him and in the beginning of our relationship he was constantly brought up. This kid had money and dressed extremely nice, he was known for goodlooking and all these other things he has gotten with so many girls that I am cool with and I know. I think about this everyday because my girlfriend lost it to him and I feel extremely sad because I can never have the chance to have her virginity which is really important to me. I have become insecure due to her ex I constantly think about that moment and I even sort of lost a sense of personality because that just stresses me so much. I really don't know what to do I feel insecure and low about myself and think he was better then me. Please give me tips on how to deal with this.

talaniman · Mar 21, 2011, 02:26 PM

It shows you are a young immature, inexperienced guy who isn't ready for a mature relationship. If your confidence, and self esteem is tied to a female being a virgin, well that's just screwed up, and immature. Kid stuff. It has no place in a healthy adult. It means you distracted from the important things like character,r and personality, by things you cannot control, like what she did before you. It means you cannot look beyond the nonsense of your own personal feelings, and deal with the reality of what you have.

It means you are not yet ready for true manhood.

How do you overcome this? By acting as a man, who can cope, and control his feelings, and act appropriately, and not get so carried away that you make your female feel like she doesn't deserve to be treated well.

When you have these thoughts, push them aside and pay attention and appreciate what you have and act as though you really do understand.

Ask yourself why is her virginity so important? Are you a virgin? If not, why not? If she can deal with your past, then you should deal with hers the same way. Now forget these notions that are childish and stupid, that only feed the false ego, stupid ideas of what's right, and what isn't, or leave her alone, until you are indeed worthy of having a great gal in a mature relationship.

If you can't grow, and learn, and adjust, then go back to playing kick ball with the guys, and leave grown up stuff to the adults.

asg123 · Mar 21, 2011, 02:57 PM

So I shouldn't be stressing this at all?

talaniman · Mar 21, 2011, 03:01 PM

No!!

asg123 · Mar 21, 2011, 03:06 PM

How can I get that thought of her losing it to someone else out of my head?

Cat1864 · Mar 21, 2011, 03:50 PM

You tell yourself that it doesn't matter. Instead of dwelling on it and making it all about what you will never have, you relish what you do have.

Does her love and everything else that makes her 'perfect' mean less to you than her lack of virginity?

asg123 · Mar 21, 2011, 03:54 PM

Its just something that I want, she really is perfect and the fact that she lost it to some trashy kid upsets me

talaniman · Mar 21, 2011, 04:09 PM

Well guy what is it you want to do about it? That's what I was talking about. Only a spoiled kid gets upset when he can't have what he wants. Wouldn't you agree?

Cat1864 · Mar 21, 2011, 04:32 PM

Originally Posted by asg123

its just something that i want, she really is perfect and the fact that she lost it to some trashy kid upsets me

You are probably not going to like this, but I am going to be blunt:
So, do you throw fits over everything you can't have? Are you in competition with her 'ex'? Do you think he won a round?

How childish does that sound?

I have a feeling that it doesn't matter who she was with before you-'trashy kid' or someone you don't know anything about. You would still be exhibiting the same jealousy and insecurity. If you want to own anything, own your feelings and deal with them.

Understand that your being upset about something that happened before you met her and that you have absolutely no control over is something you can change. You built it up into a mountain. You can tear it back down to size and build up the positive things in your relationship until they eclipse any negatives. It is a change of thought processes that only you can make if you really want to.

Do you really want to let those thoughts and feelings go?

nitelight198073 · Mar 21, 2011, 05:19 PM

Try to do it like this,put yourself in her shoes. Do you really think that she would want to be in this relationship with you if you felt that way insecure with that small part of a past relationship? Just take and think if you really love her, and want to be with her, wipe the slate clean like it never happened you will feel so much better. If not you don't deserve someone that good, point blank.