[PristinePortia]

I have brought up my son more or less single handedly. His father is abusive and tricked me into marrying him. He was already married twice before but he did not reveal his second marriage or family. He has never taken us to his country for the last 30 years. I could have divorced him but he was providing for us and I thought that once my son had finished his graduation I would be able to dissolve the marriage. But it was not to be.. my son finished his school but now does not want to go to university. He is constantly asking for money and whatever I give him is never enough.. he doesn't spend a penny on himself! He is trying to invest the money and says he is worried about his future. In the last few months he has become very aggressive and called me names. I don't know what to do. I love him too much to lose him. I just want him to go to university and graduate and take responsibility for himself. At times he is kind and my heart melts but there is some powerful underlying force that makes him say nasty things to me.. how can I help him?

[Eileen G]

By demanding that he treats you with respect. It's very bad to allow any child to treat his parents with disrespect, particularly the parent who provides his care. There is absolutely no grounds for calling you names, or for you to accept this behaviour.

If he won't go to college, then I think you could ask him to get a job and contribute to the household expenses. If he's not at collage, and you are providing his bed and board, he doesn't need much money.

If he is genuinely worried about his future, get him to talk to someone who will point out the value of a degree, and why his future is more assured with a college education than without.

[PristinePortia]

Thank you Eileen for your response... trouble is I can't talk to anyone about his dropping out of college. He will not go to a counselor and he is not prepared to take up a job... besides what can he do with just a school degree. He is very intelligent and wants to go into business. I have discussed this with him and tried to make him understand that a degree in Business Studies would be helpful but he says he can't wait for 4 years and there is no surety he will get a job in this current scenario. I can understand his uncertainty as I too am uncertain about the inflow of money on a monthly basis. His father sends money erratically. I need to make him feel more secure and perhaps you can send me a mail explaining the merits of a degree which I can forward to him. Do you think you would be able to help me with this? Its OK if that is not possible. I appreciate that you have taken the trouble to respond to my question.. many thanks again

[Fr_Chuck]

He is grown and it is not your place to give him money, if he does not wish to go to college that is his choice not yours.

And you made a choice 20 years ago, not to leave his father, so he grew up, watching his father, learning how to treat women, so is he not treating you the way he learned from his father ? You got what you put into place by staying with the father and allowing the father to treat you that way.

You demand respect or you cut off talking with him, and most certainly do not pay him any money

[Eileen G]

What is he doing with his time now? It's not acceptable for a healthy adult to hang around doing nothing and expecting to provided for by his mother. He can get a job packing shelves or serving burgers if necessary, but he should be working.

A few weeks in a minimum wage job may convince him that a degree is what is standing between the minimum wage workers and the managers.

Job Salary Earnings Comparison - College Degrees and High School Diploma This was the first page I found when I googled about wages for people with and without degrees. Get him to do some research himself, that might convince him of the value of a degree.

By the way, if he won't look for a job now, he definitely won't have one in the future. Employers get very squinty-eyed about people who have long gaps between school and work, unless they have a good reason.

[PristinePortia]

I made several attempts to leave his father but he made false promises and got me back... he believes in several wives.. something that I could never come to terms with ! But then I was young and naïve! I could not return to my family fold. Also I would not have been able to give my son a decent education. I stayed in the marriage for my child's sake.. hoping that he finish his college education and live like a responsible adult. I am now being abused by both! Can you understand the dilemma I was in and that has kept me in the marriage? Each day I think how would I manage if he were not alive.. I would have to keep going or end my life. I am sure that there are many women who are trapped in marriages but they are unable to break off because of the children or fearful of facing the insecurity and uncertainty of life. But this is about my son... I have always tried to inculcate in him good moral values and ethics... emphasised on the value of good education.. so where have I gone wrong?

[Eileen G]

Stop thinking about the choices you made in the past, and consider what you need to do now. It sounds as if your son is old enough to be self-sufficient if he chooses to be, and you no longer have a reason for putting up with his father.

By the way, I'm a great believer in people paying for college themselves, or at least partly by their own efforts. Nothing like thinking that each class is costing you $20 to make you get your butt into that class, even if you were up late the night before.

You can't change the past, but you can decide what you want from now and the future.

[Jake2008]

You are dependent on your husband for financial support, and your son is dependent on you for financial support.

You are both adults.

I think it is time to consider how you can find a way to get the education you need, in order to support yourself. And, it is time for your son to find a way to get the education or job he needs to support himself.

You can't have it both ways. If you are living on irregular income from your husband, you have no personal security. If your son is living on your irregular income, he has no personal security.

Both of you need to cut the ties that bind you together, and each support themselves. It isn't your job anymore to convince your son to go to college, anymore than you can convince him to get a job at McDonald's. He has to make his own decisions, without being dependent on you. And my opinion is, you need to set some expectations, and not wait another five years for him to keep doing what he's doing. Let him grow up in other words. Stop enabling him to remain a child.

As long as you allow him to do as he pleases, and you allow yourself to feel obligated to keep mothering him, nothing will change.

I hope you find your own independence, and at the same time, allow your son to do the same.

[talaniman]

You are trapped in a world of your own making and you are the only one who can change things.

Your son is a man, and should sink or swim on his own, and you should become independent of your husband and get your own life without his abuse, and succeed or fail on your own.

Stop making excuse for everyone else's choices, and start making your own. Learn how to tell both your son, and your husband , NO MORE, you are out of here.

You do no one any good, especially yourself, by continuing to put them first. Put your needs first for a change.