[missingme01]

My husband had an affair 5 years ago, then another 3 years later. None of them were long a month or so. I have dealt with possible paternity issues and deployments to Iraq. We have been married for 9 years and together for 12 years. He was my best friend before we were anything else. We had the relationship that others envy, we shared almost everything, when we fought it was fire, but making up was heaven.

The last affair I found out about 6 months ago. He has been compliant about telling me about where he goes but then he gets offended at times too. He's willing to talk about it but then at the same time when he does something to make me feel insecure and I tell him, he's an arse! We have kids from the ages of 4-12 together. I am so hurt, angry, sad, and lost. I want to believe that we can save our marriage, but all the deployments have disconnected him so much that he turns himself on and off at will. I can't even engage him anymore.

I'm not here to ask for advice per say but to hear some feedback positive or otherwise. I have always believed that you don't stay married for 50 years without some strife and pain, but this seems like a jail sentence in some ways. If I stay I suffer, if I leave my kids suffer. Let's be honest the statistics on divorce and father involvement after are not that great. Everyone wants to make things so clear cut, just leave if you can't handle it. Stay if you love him.

Relationships are not just about love, there are so many other factors. So how do I build a safe haven for myself to weather the storm without being naïve, or shutting him out?

[Cat1864]

Have you considered marriage counseling or counseling for yourself?

Do you love him? Is there enough love left to help you allow him to regain your trust?

I know you are concerned about his involvement with the children if you separate. However, there are a couple of factors to consider such as how involved is he with them now and how do they perceive their parents' relationship? Do you want them to grow up thinking that your relationship is the way that a marriage should be?

Have the two of you sat down without any distractions and discussed the marriage and ways to rebuild the trust? Do you keep asking him about the affairs or making it obvious that you don't trust him?

It sounds like you need to learn how to effectively communicate with each other without either of you feeling insecure or defensive. There are books on the market than can help with that as can counseling.

[talaniman]

I think first you make a decision for yourself what you will and won't accept, then you both decide if you can agree on the boundaries of good behavior. If you cannot, you leave and seek your own life.

No there is no simple easy way out, just choices to get results. It will hurt no matter what choice you make so give thought to what's best for you in the long run.

[rtorres81]

All I know is I believe in what the bible says... there are no ground for divorce... but adultery. Having said that he's had a few, doesn't seem like he has respect for you or for God. Sorry, I have problems with my husband, big ones at time, none having to do with sex outside our marriage. You have to struggle and forgive and forget every time(cause he sounds like he's not going to change) and keep putting every notch under your belt, or leave. Good luck