[lilmizsara]

get into relationships with people not good for them and worse, stay in those relationships?

are they people who are also very willing to do anything for others and thus would have sex with anyone who offered them, although they have values that don't condone sex outside of a committed relationship? I mean their judgments in most situations would be rather off the mark right?

just trying to figure out a guy whose interested in me. He gets into relationships with people just cause they initiated them and he's like "anything". He got himself involved with this manipulative, verbally abusive girl out of pity and THOUGHT he really liked her. He found her fat and unattractive, yet when she asked for sex, he gave in cause he couldn't control himself. Their rlshp went downhill and he regretted it. -.- just wonder wad were your thoughts on these things?

[Jake2008]

get into relationships with ppl not good for them and worse, stay in those relationships?

are they people who are also very willing to do anything for others and thus would have sex with anyone who offered them, although they have values that dont condone sex outside of a committed relationship? i mean their judgments in most situations would be rather off the mark right?

just trying to figure out a guy whose interested in me. he gets into relationships with ppl just cause they initiated them and hes like "anything". he got himself involved with this manipulative, verbally abusive girl out of pity and THOUGHT he really liked her. he found her fat and unattractive, yet when she asked for sex, he gave in cause he couldnt control himself. their rlshp went downhill and he regretted it. -.- just wonder wad were your thoughts on these things?

Are you sure that he seriously couldn't control himself? Perhaps he is shooting you a line saying that he did it because he felt that he was being somehow put in a position where he couldn't say no. I'm not so sure that low self esteem and a weak character is the reason he has sex with anyone who offers it to him.

If he consequently has regrets about giving into bad judgment, and having sex with women against his values because he is easily manipulated and feels pitty for his partners as some sort of reason to justify bad behaviour, you are right in questioning his character.

My opinion is that he is a player. He says one thing, and does another (ie has values but sleeps around because he can't control himself, because of being manipulated into having sex).

I would not personally trust anyone who is essentially telling you why he does what he does, by making himself out to be a victim. Please think seriously about getting involved with a character like this.

[lilmizsara]

the comment function wasn't working.. anyway,
Hi Jake, thanks for your answer! According to him, he couldn't "control" himself. I don't know what is his definition of control or whatever, cause he's typically very vague about his thoughts. Not specific about things. For e.g. control for him, might mean "i can't stop myself..." huge diff. he even said "both wanted it and theres nothing anybody can do"... -.-

anyway I seriously think he was pressured! Like you said! "put in a position where he couldnt say no" and didn't have the guts to say no. and I'm sure there were other psychological factors at play. Ie: pitying the girl, mistaking pity for liking her, desperate for acceptance, wanting to feel needed etc. and thus not being able to reject her. He even said she was uneducated, not a virgin and initiated it. Like.. so? She initiated so u had to give in? -.-

he just can't stand up for himself, I tink. He victimises himself and says he gets tog with women cause he was "poor" =/. He had no idea what he was doing in the "honeymoon phase". And that sex without love was like having sex with a prostitute (erm, duh?). If u had values u wouldn't even allow yourself to go there. And we all know what happens to most people who have sex too early in a rlshp, without een establishing any emotional connection

and I just don't get it. Its not as if he was super attracted to her (he tot her fat n ugly) and her personality sucked, she said she was a totally selfish, self-centred rude girl who had severe attitude problems and would throw things ard the house when she couldn't e.g. cook something. And then the woman went on to cheat on him (and I'm sure sleep with) another man, she sounded like a total whore who only made use of men for sex in order to get love. Why would anybody be tog with such a person? =O

I don't know, but it all sounds like a bunch of excuses. I seriously doubt anyone who mistakes pity for a person as genuine affection and gets into a rlshp with them and stays on even after being treated like crap. And what if one day an ex contacts him again for a shag fest? Is he going to just say yes cause he has to please everyone in his life? Goodness.

[amicon]

Well poor thing-couldn't stop himself?

I don't think so-he does so sound like a player and I suggest you stop worrying about his comings or goings and concentrate on getting to know people without his shortcomings.

You deserve much better!

[Jake2008]

I have to say that I admire the way you are thinking about all of this.

What strikes me is that he too can somehow identify the needs of others, including their lack of character, their loose morals if that's the right term, and critically offer an analysis of the women he sleeps with, or the women he is attracted to, but, with how he figures he is a person of values and standards, he can't see what is wrong with himself.

Do you think that's accurate?

[southamerica]

You don't understand his behavior because it doesn't make sense. And it doesn't make sense because his words don't match his actions. His words don't match his actions because he's playing a game. You're trying to sympathize with him and therefore he is winning that game.

If you find yourself trying to justify someone's actions constantly, even though you don't agree with/understand those actions... then chances are you're being played. Walk away and find someone who's worth your time!

[lilmizsara]

hahahahaha! EXACTLY my thoughts. Its odd that he can see all these "needs" and lack of character in a woman or whatever and stick ard cause u are so noble and think you can fix it.. when all the time.. HE is the one that needs the fixing! This is sooo unbelievably weird I want to laugh. And since he has all these values and great character, shouldn't he know from the beginning what kinds of women they are? In my experience, people who cheat give off very similar vibes. And after one failed attempt he still couldn't tell? Shouldn't men with "great character" be able to tell the "not so great characters" from the start? Haha. And don't tell me u can be in a so called relationship with someone so low and you don't realise anything wrong with it?

not to mention he would randomly bring up these women in totally unrelated conversations we were having, just to tell me "her voice was so nice it touched your heart", "all of my exes wore skirts". Who in the eff cares?

[lilmizsara]

I don't see why you should give a darn about people who treated you like nonsense. The past is the past. Just leave it be. But no, has to mention them. Had the nerve to even mention one of their bdays and then say "we all have good memories", this is the same ex he slept with. What good memories? When she left him at home all alone on her birthday to go sleep/canoodle/ frolick with another man? Very interesting.

And extremely respectful towards me too. This guy seriously has issues.

[lilmizsara]

This makes sense yes.. I constantly am trying to figure out/justify his actions. And I'm slowly realising that he IS winning that game... have to figure a way to get out.. dude's already making serious commitments three months after we first dated - I should be his last, we shld get married, he's waiting for me etc..

Might work on other girls, but not me, sorry.

[lilmizsara]

heh says he has values then can't stop himself - with a girl who was hardly attractive inside and out. Wonder what those "values" are that he's talking about then. Interesting! Ha

thanks for your answer :)

[amicon]

Lil,I think it's time you rise above this situation and concentrate on yourself now-sometimes people are just beyond our comprehension-and that's life.

Wasting time and energy trying to figure out why these people are who they are is tiring.

Go do something to make you feel good about you.

[lilmizsara]

"Go do something to make you feel good about you." <-- THIS! I should do, thanks! :)

Though.. I have one last qn I'm always curious about, since I'm a lady. Is it true that men really cannot "control" themselves when a female comes onto them for sex? I understand if he finds her hot then yeah, but how about the unattractive females? Do the men just sleep with them cause though ugly, they offered? Or do some women just manipulate the situation in such a way the man can't say no? Just curious

[talaniman]

God didn't make any ugly females. And there will always be someone to see the beauty of any human. But a predator, and user like this guy, will exploit any weakness he finds to get what he wants. Be it sex, money, power, or a cheap thrill.

[lilmizsara]

I leave your first sentence open to opinion, cause I certainly don't agree with that. But more importantly, when you pointed him out as a "predator" and a "user". He keeps making himself out to be the victim of the situation(s). I'm not sure if he's that innocent. Yar he might be placed in a compromising situation, but he chose not to get out of it. Despite speaking of good values. I don't buy the "no self control" thing cause its not a gender issue, even women act on their sexual urges, but its ultimately whether the person wants to exercise self control. In the case, he didn't want to.

[talaniman]

He is who he is, and you can only deal with him for who he is.