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kapple58 · Feb 16, 2011, 12:03 AM

My boyfreind of 5 years is in early sobriety and wants me to marry him what should I do?

DrBill100 · Feb 16, 2011, 12:26 AM

Originally Posted by kapple58

my boyfreind of 5 years is in early sobriety and wants me to marry him what should I do?

Your experience of "5 years" is your only personal directive. Defining early sobriety or from what, is non-essentential... you and only you have the background and experience to answer this.

answerme_tender · Feb 16, 2011, 04:13 PM

From my experience of taking my brother to AA that one of the things they encourage is getting the alcoholic life together and that did NOT include getting into or futhering any exsisting relationships. Due to it being the beginning of sobriety---they didn't encourage that they had the true ability to handle the stress or emotional commitment it take to keep a relationship and stay sober for at least 3years( at least I think it was 3years).

Before you make any decisions why not take the time to talk to his sobriety coach or just call AA and ask them some questions.

Take care

talaniman · Feb 16, 2011, 06:37 PM

Before you make such a life changing decision, get some facts, and AA can provide them.

Personally I advise strongly against such a move in early sobriety, as he may stay sober, and he may NOT. Only time will tell. I would sure wait to see how his first YEAR goes before even considering it. In most cases sobriety is only half the problem, but other problems that led to alcohol abuse takes longer, maybe years of hard work, to over come, or resolve.

kapple58 · Mar 9, 2011, 05:20 AM

I know what I have to do but he won't listen and he is very obsessed with me

redhed35 · Mar 9, 2011, 05:24 AM

Originally Posted by kapple58

I know what I have to do but he wont listen and he is very obssessed with me

So he has to deal with that as well as all the others issues.

There is no easy fix here, it takes time,patience and lots of understanding, also take into consideration the sober boyfriend may not be the same person as before.

You have control over what you do and the choices you make,no one else.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 9, 2011, 05:45 AM

Early ? A year of being sober is early, or is it a week or two weeks ?

He needs to deal with his problem, and get his life together,
It sounds like you know this is not the right time.

talaniman · Mar 9, 2011, 01:45 PM

Originally Posted by kapple58

I know what I have to do but he wont listen and he is very obsessed with me

This alone is a reason not to get married. Obsession is not the best basis to build a life together so do what you have to for your own protection, and let him do his.

Sober, even after a year does not mean sane, as the same behavior, and mindset is still there, and until a dry drunk deals with those issues he cannot recover.

Alcoholism is but a symptom of a greater problem that has to be dealt with.

kapple58 · Mar 10, 2011, 05:23 AM

I understand that now that it could take years or at least a year to start to clear the fog from the mund. I suppose it is hard for both of us to handle this change in our relationship. He wants more than I can give at the moment he doesn't see what I see, and the dry drunk is quite intimitating, I am just realising that things won't change without the spiritual awakining, that is talked about in the 12 steps program of AA. He has a sponsor and is doing the steps. I am scared of the retaliation when I say no more as I have done this before, we will get there eventually wer had High hopes for our relationship. We have a lot in common but he scares me more now as he has a bad temper and he gets Paronoid about me having affairs and really believes this. To the point where he has sat under my house, When he was drinnking and the other night out of the blue he brought that up and started accusing me of these things again, He changed real;ly quickly It really scared me . But I keep thinking he will get better he has some really good qualities as well. Tthankyou for your answers they are helping me to get strong for both of us.

DrBill100 · Mar 10, 2011, 07:31 AM

The jealousy and insecurity you mention is common in the alcoholic as are unpredictable mood swings. That's true in drinking and recovering alcoholic. If you intend to work through this relationship it could be helpful for you to attend Al-Anon (particularly since he is going to AA).

There you will meet others that are going through similar circumstances, others that have been through them. Many find this social comparison invaluable.

You can obtain a list of meetings near you here

Al-Anon, like AA, meetings are an admixture of people. So you may not find meaningful information or association at at any given group. If not, don't give up, try another. Find a group you are comfortable with, people you can relate too.