[rachelegreen]

Hi..
I am in a long distance relationship.We have not met for 3yrs now.. but my problem is that he just doesn't understand my needs sometimes, and if I do tell him, he says he will try to work on it, and again, after some days, he returns back to same thing..

Then again if I tell him about the problem, I feel, how many times do I have to tell him the same thing! And I feel as if I am being too needy.. so I tend to not tell him that I have a problem with what he did.. I just keep thinking about it.. I am currently in that phase of "not told him and just thinking about it"...

It is really frustrating!we chat a lot since it is costly to talk on phone every time.. but while chatting, I feel, he gives me a secondary status.he keeps doing all his things.. cooking.. talking to other friends, etc etc... while chatting with me.. so many a times,there are too long time gaps in my chat and his reply... so I come to know he is doing something else too...

Whereas, when I know we are going to chat, I leave aside all my work.I go into my room, sit alone,do nothing but chat with him.. with full concentration.. many a times, he doesn't even pay attention to my words.. it really is frustrating!

While chatting about something important, he just goes away saying, I'm hungry.. I don't understand, can't he just wait for sometime till we finish chatting!

Please let me know if I am too needy.. he might have his explanations for what he does.. but am I not correct to expect these things from him?

[redhed35]

May I ask why you have not seen seen each other for 3 years?

I don't think your needy at all.

Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain when the couple see each other every few weeks or months but 3 years is a bit much! Have you ever met?
What are you getting out of this relationship?

[rachelegreen]

@ redhead35:
Thanks for replying.. well, we had met last yr for 2 weeks.. and its not a matter of choice for any of us to stay apart.its just the situation we are dealing with (regarding the LDR).
Both of us need to get established in our career.we have decided to get married next yr.and after that, we are going to stay together..
I am not uncomfortable about our LDR.coz I know it is required right now.and I am looking forward to the day we start living together..
I do love him a lot.and I know, he loves me even more than I do.
But such problems occur sometime which make me very sad and hurt.. I read through many online posts about such things which gave me an idea that men are different than women in such matter.. so I guess I should give him some benefit of doubt and try to understand his viewpoint too..
Once I tried to just just forget my needs and requirements, and just follow what he said.. u know.. like, if he wanted to chat, I would chat.if he said, now e has to go, then I said, fine.. etc etc... but that only made me more sad within myself.. he also noticed this change in me and said, I was not the usual self.. I tried to tell him why I was behaving like that.. but I became too emotional.. so much so that in that period of one week, I was almost depressed !
So I know, I can't stand being something I am not..
See.. im totally confused as to how I should behave.. I have got this insecurity of being left alone.. and being needy makes my insecurity grow.. thinking, my neediness will push him to leave me..
Its so complicated!

[talaniman]

I think the time, and distance has you more disconnected from your man than anything else. I think that a LDR is hard on you, as it is with most couples, and there is little either of you can do for each other at this time.

For this to work, a better understanding of his schedule, and setting some rules of communicating would help, but you have to express yourself honestly, and specifically to him to accomplish this.

For example, he should know that he has to clear his schedule to give you undivided attention, when you do communicate or chat, even if its for 5 minutes.

I think those things would help greatly improve your feelings, and you won't feel like he has greater priorities other than you.

You have to tell him how you feel, because 3 years apart can strain any relationship, even the best most dedicated ones.

[ironhide262]

Chatting is great but have you tried Skype or another VOIP application... face to face talk( OK, computer screen, but still.. ) is always much better and if he has a laptop he can bring it with him (to the kitchen for instance). It would also be much harder for him to just go off and do other things.

[Homegirl 50]

I think you two need to work on this current problem before you get married next year. In fact I think you two should spend sometime together in the same place for a while before you get married. You have been separated for a good while. Have you ever been together longer than a few weeks?

I don't think you are needy but you do need to let him know how important his undivided attention is to you when you chat, especially since you don't see each other.
If he does not get that or want to compromise with that, what makes you think a marriage is going to work?

[rachelegreen]

Thanks everyone.. for your thoughtful answers..
They have helped me scrutinize my relationship, feelings, and situation...
Right now, things seem to be fine...
I talked to him about my expectations from him regarding undivided attention from him..
And he seems to have understood it (atleast for now)
Thanks a lot!