[wap]

**

[Wildcat21]

WAP - seriously - I might suggest a counslour/therapy.

You're still stuck on this guy, that I might quite frankly now, from a lot of what I know, call a loser. Big loser.

Seriously - I think it would do you a lot of good.

[Synnen]

The few times I've actually had to break things off with someone where it was NOT a mutual decision, my main emotion at the time was anger with the person for making me do it the hard way! I would also be relieved that I would no longer have to deal with whatever it was that was making me break up with them to begin with (their insecurities, jealousy, clingyness, whatever)

I would be a little sad, because everyone is sad when something ends, but mostly I'd be exasperated (breaking up with someone who does NOT want to let things go, even when it's OBVIOUS that it isn't working) is really very annoying. By the time I was done, I'd be exhausted, sad, angry, frustrated, relieved, and honestly wanting about 7 months away from the person.

However, I'm too nice for that. I would always try to break it gently, and I would try to make it so that the other person would realize that there wasn't anything wrong with HIM, but with US, and that at that time, it was NOT fixable. I usually would offer to remain friends, but be willing to honor "no contact" as well.

Hope that gives a little insight.

[LBP]

How does not telling the guy your dumping what he did wrong serve him? I mean, why did you bother going out with these/this guy/s in the first place if you're not going to give him the respect he deserves (or, even, doesn't)? How is he supposed to learn anything if he doesn't know what he did to drive you away?

I'm just asking!

[Synnen]

The thing is... when you're being broken up with, you're generally NOT listening.

I usually do try to explain where things have gone wrong. For example, "You knew when we started dating that I had a lot of guy friends, and that that wasn't going to change. You're jealous of my friends, and I'm resentful of the fact that you don't trust me with them. We've talked about this. Yes, I know you think you can change, but the reality is that you've promised that in the past and it hasn't gotten any better" etc, etc etc

The whole thing is that when you're being broken up with (yes, I've been on the irrational receiving side too) you're not really hearing the other person. All you're hearing is "break up" and "not happy" and "wish things were different" and THAT is what you latch onto. You hear "be friends" as "this person still LIKES me! We have a chance!" not as "I still like you, but I absolutely do NOT want to date you anymore". Selective hearing sucks.

Most of the time it isn't "drive you away" until AFTER the breakup. Usually, before the breakup, it's just that things aren't working, I wasn't as into it as the other person, whatever. It's not that I don't give a darn about that person, it's that I know it's not going to work anymore, so why not end it now when we still get along?

As far as learning what they did wrong... I try to explain what wasn't working. Not what "they" did or "I" did... relationships are 2 people, and 2 people either work well or they don't. BOTH people have to determine what "work well" means, though. If they don't understand (or will not listen) to my statements about why it wasn't working for me, well... it's not MY responsibility to make sure they learn something. I tried to teach them what worked for me while IN the relationship. What works for me is not necessarily what works for someone else... so I have no responsibility to "teach" them what they did "wrong" when it wasn't necessarily that they were wrong! It just wasn't right for ME!

[Wildcat21]

I worried for WAP because she still hasn't let this guy go. Let him go.

[kanicky73]

This is such a touchy subject for me and I agree with so many things that all of you have said. I am currently in the same situation where I am dating a guy that frankly has started to annoy the heck out of me with his clingyness and jealousy. He is smothering me. Its to the point where I don't even want him to look a me right now, that's how disgusted I am. But as soon as I even start to bring up the "i want to break up" conversation he tries to plead like he is before a jury. So synnen I hear you! Sometimes you just want to say, your freakin annoying the crap out of me and I want you to leave me alone!!

[LBP]

WEll, why don't you just say that?

[Synnen]

Well, usually you DO say that.

They hear "You're being too clingy" and wonder why the other person doesn't cling as much. They hear "you're too jealous" and want to know why you're MAKING them jealous (hanging out with other people, whatever) They hear "you're annoying the p1ss out of me" as "hehehe...honey, you're teasing me too much".

It's selective hearing. I've been on BOTH sides of it. You really do hear what you want to hear when you think everything is GREAT and this person is the only person in the world for you, so they MUST feel the same! Right?

[Nosnosna]

I've been on both sides of it, with different 'qualities' of relationship represented:
Dumper in a one-sided breakup (she thought it was still fine)
Dumpee in a two-sided breakup (the relationship outlived itself by a few months, and we both knew we were kidding ourselves dragging it on as we did)
Dumpee in a one-sided breakup (I thought it was fine, although I really should have known better that time :))
Dumper in a two-sided breakup (agreed that the relationship wasn't going anywhere, and so moved on... I count myself as the dumper because I was the one who brought it up)

Never had an angry breakup, though, although I was so unbelievably livid about one particular method that was used that it bothered me long after I'd gotten over the relationship itself.

The one common thread in all of my breakups is that somebody is, at the moment of separation, in shock. In the end, it doesn't matter how expected the breakup is, it's still unexpected. Things get said that aren't heard, things get heard that aren't said, and the two people involved will almost always tell very different stories about how it actually went.

As far as the emotions go... that, of course, varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. When doing the breaking, I've generally felt awkward... I have this feeling that bringing it up without warning is unfair on the other person, and that they deserve better. Of course, it's always going to be without warning... the warning would tell them what was coming and it, in turn, would come without warning. After the break itself, I, as dumper, went through the same emotions that I went through as a dumpee. In effect, the only difference between the two sides is the initial reaction... I've taken a long time to get over a relationship that I ended, just as I've taken time to get over one that she ended.

[kanicky73]

I have said those exact words, and once again Synnen your exactly right! Some guys hear what they want or just don't want to accept that you don't want to be with them. I actually did say this to him and we broke if off for a while and then he would call crying every night. Who the heck wants that either. Its these reasons alone that some people just can't ever make a clean break. God knows I want to! I want to be single for a while, but its much easier said than done, especially if the other person is not on the same page. So it sounds like wap is on the other side of it, not wanting to accept that its over.

[LBP]

But isn't there a difference between accepting it's over and being upset over things? I mean, do you really expect the guy you dump to just get over it and move on? Do you WANT that?

I'm not trying to be snarky, I'm really interested. Though I must say, from what I've seen, typically people tend to let the things that annoy them build and build and build until they just decide to end it instead of addressing the issue from the start. Or they simply say 'It's impossible!' and walk away without a second thought. It's good to hear that there's at least the attempt at reasoning going on out there.

I think the lesson is that immediately after a break up NC is a must for at least three months, especially when you don't really want to know how the other party is doing.

[Synnen]

Of course I don't want the person to feel nothing!

And I've never broken up with someone for an issue that hadn't been addressed and tried to be fixed.

But honestly... getting someone to accept that it's over is actually harder than getting them to stop feeling upset or sad. Once you accept it's done, you can mourn and move on. Until then, every word from that other person is like having a wound that opens up every time you see or hear from them.

I agree... No contact for a few months seems to work wonders.

[Heart_Man]

The American Institute of Stress and The Centers For Disease Control have both reported that up to 90% of all illnesses are due to stress. For many years I experienced several life threatening illnesses. I found the Institute of HeartMath and discovered that all of these illnesses were due to stresses I had been experiencing in my life due to not managing my emotions, many times in relationships. Learning and practicing HeartMath's scientifically substantiated tools and technologies literally saved my life. Additional information on HeartMath and how to prevent, manage and reverse the effects of stress, in-the-moment, achieve better health, more energy, improved mental and emotional clarity, and improved performance and relationships can be found at Welcome to EmotionalMastery.com.