[Iwannabhappy]

I have been married to my husband for 7 years we have two children together the youngest is 9 months I have tried everything I know to make things better I do everything from cleaning to the kids
And finacially just to make. Him not stress but the more I do the more he verbally and physically abuses me he drinks and doesn't remember what he does and when he does sometimes he is sorry sometimes he doesn't care
I am the type of lady that won't give up on someone I love I know he loves me but I don't think he cares
Now he wants to leave but hasn't left and tells me that I nagg too much
I don't understand I know he wants to be with us but he wants to be marriade in two separate houses I know he is a selfish alcoholic and I'm just so scared don't know what to do please help

[Cat1864]

I will you warn you that parts of this will seem harsh. Please take it with the concern for you and your children with which it is meant.

One of the hardest things when you love someone is recognizing when you need to walk away because he/she is destroying you and other people you love and should be protecting. You need to stop thinking of him and what he needs and focus on yourself and your children.

None of you deserve to be treated the way you are. Your children need to grow up with stability and not learning to walk on eggshells.

It isn't going to be easy and you will need support. I suggest finding a support group for family and friends of alcoholics like Al-anon (Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen.) Look into counseling for yourself and your family.

Contact a lawyer and find out what your rights are and what you can do legally to protect yourself and your children. If he physically abuses you (what about the children?), go to the police and file charges. Get a restraining order. Take the children and go to a shelter for abused women if you can't get him out of the home.

Stop playing nurse and start being a mother.

Alcoholics are very easy to enable. As long as you keep trying to help him by propping him up, he won't hit rock bottom and learn what he is losing and has lost. He has to want to get help. He won't until he knows no one else will do it.

All you can do for him at this point is hope that he figures it out before he damages his relationship with his children to the point that it can't be fixed.

Do not even think about taking him back until he has proven that he is getting help. You do not need to add revolving door to the other problems in this marriage.

Please take care of yourself and your children.

[Jake2008]

I want to add that while you don't want to divorce him, and the prospect of being on youru own frightens you, they are only excuses not to do the right thing for yourself, and your children.

There is help through many, many social services to provide, and help provide you with shelter, legal assistance, housing, etc. The help IS there.

Just because you don't like the alternative to stepping up and doing the right thing by your children, doesn't mean squat. I don't see it as a choice at all.

By the way you have described your dysfunctional marriage, you know your children, or should know your children, are being raised in an unhealthy environment. That in itself will have consequences down the road. Surely you realize this.

If he has made no effort to address his problems, and can't even remember (so he says) his own bad behaviour when he's drinking, I see this as a no-brainer.

If you cannot identify yourself why you should get the he** out, I worry for you not being able to clearly see that you are harming your children by staying.

[Iwannabhappy]

I know thanks I have applied for centerline and will be leaving I know all that I have been selfish I think of being without him and I feel so much lighter I am going to live only for my children and have a better life. My oldest daughter crys about living a life without him it's so killing me she is 5 I know it will take a while for her I hope she understands one day. Thanks guys x

[Cat1864]

I am so glad you are getting help and getting out.

Your daughter is reacting to fear of losing what she knows. We know that there is a better life ahead of her, but that isn't what she sees. She probably will be angry and hurt for awhile. You might see what types of counseling are available for her. If you can, give her a place where she can express all of the negative emotions safely and be guided in how to find the positive ones. Don't take any anger she expresses toward you personally. Be understanding, but don't relax any rules you have or let inappropriate behavior slide because she is going through a tough time especially if she strikes out at her siblings.

It isn't going to be easy, but I think you have a much brighter future ahead. Remember that you aren't living just for your children, but for yourself. Don't forget to arrange some time every so often for you to relax and let off steam. Taking care of yourself will help you take care of your children.

If you need or want more advice, we are here.

[talaniman]

You are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids, and I hope it works out well for you. I think it will.

[Homegirl 50]

You will be OK.
He is a grown man and can think and function on his own. Your kids cannot. Your responsibility is to them alone at this point.

I wish you well.