[kindonte]

Hi - we are in our 30s and have been dating for a year now. At present we live apart and see each other most weekends. The first year has been amazing. She has been very generous with her feelings and I have enjoyed lavishing her with affection. I take great pleasure in providing financially for her needs when the occasions arise. We have talked at length about living together too.

Since the turn of the year things seem to have cooled a little though. Yes we still kiss and cuddle and sleep together and hold hands in public and have sex etc. but I can't shift this gut feeling that she has cooled a bit. She has found a new set of girlfriends who are really nice and I am glad for her. But I wonder if this new circle of friends has made my love less necessary. She tells me she loves me but mostly only in response to me saying it first. Her texts are brief and to the point. We still talk about living together.

I can't tell if she has just gotten secure in my love for her or that she is losing interest. Now I have started occasionally asking if she still wants me to live with her. I asked her what she loves about me. She finds the questions annoying saying I am testing her. I didn't think it would be difficult to tell the person that you love a reason why you love them. This is where I worry that it might be that I just represent financial security. Forums say I should not text and give her the silent treatment. That goes against my grain because I think it is rude and I naturally enjoy telling her I love her and sending texts (I never bombard her with them). They say actions speak louder than words. She does hug me and kiss me and sleep with me etc and she says I love you too.

But I can't help shift this niggling doubt about whether her reduction of showing affection is because she feels she has got me and doesn't need to win me anymore or because she has lost interest and is bored. How can I tell the difference?

Any help would be appreciated. I love her dearly but I don't want to be hurt again like have in the past.

Thank you

[ken007nielsen]

I think you need to cool off mate, if she has actually told you that she finds it annoying, and that you are testing her, then you need to back off. And with the silent treatment, try as a test :) not to contact her and see how long it takes her to write to you..

You mentioned she's been more cold as of late, and her msg'ing your is more strict and to the point.
That could just mean that the infatuation is wearing off. Because her actions doesent suggest she is starting to get over your.

You mentioned she's gotten some new friends - that means they are new and exciting and she wants to explore that for abit, so she might feel that you come as abit clingy!
Being affectionate is lovely, but it can also be too much.

My advice for you is to give a little space, she acts like she wants it.

[talaniman]

Stop being so insecure and needy. I find it helps not to put them on so high a pedestal, and have other things to do to keep you from asking someone if they still love you or why they love you so much.

She is having fun with new friends so why aren't you? As time goes on, couple have to make adjustments. You can't let the ghosts of the past ruin your future by making you a scary insecure partner. That drives them away quicker than bad breath.

[vikiviki]

I think every love has a common feature,
At first, it is very fresh and strong，but after a time, till all is stable, love will be calm down.
I think
So she is secure in your love.
You should enjoy every stage of your love.

[kindonte]

Thanks for the replies - I appreciate the time you have taken and honesty as well. I would say I am fairly secure in myself as a person. I have a good circle of friends that I spend time with regularly so there is a healthy balance there. I know relationships plateau out as the initial excitement becomes something deeper. However I also know that I still like to make the effort, not to put her on a pedastal but to give attention and affection because of who she means to me. I may be old fashioned but I thought that's what couples did. We don't live in each others pockets so it isn't as if either of us are suffocating each other. Today I said to her "i love you" and all she said in reply was "do you?". Not an "i love you" back or anything. I think I am going to go away for a few days just to let her have some space and sort out in her own mind if she misses me or not. If she doesn't then I would say the writing was on the wall :(