[citychick]

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for the past 3 years, we've been through a whole lot during those 3 years and a lot of hard work, sweat and tears went into it. We've been on and off a couple of times though, 6 months ago we broke up and for a while I was seeing someone else but it wasn't exclusive. I liked that guy but I loved my boyfriend so much we ended up getting back together. So we're together and for the first couple weeks things were good, it was like we were trying to get to know each other again.
Now things feel like they did when we were going through a rough time. He's usually very shy and quiet but since we got back together I feel like we're too different, he doesn't talk much so communication is kind of slow, he isn't very interested in stuff I am, I'm a go getter and I love excitement. He's easily discouraged, a procrastinator, very jealous ( don't get me wrong he can be a good guy) He's caring, I can tell he loves me but these traits he has are killing our relationship. Its not like I haven't spoken to him about all of this though, every time I do he gets emotional and I feel like a horrible person.
When we go out, very little talking takes place, we sit, eat, look around, cuddle, make out etc. pretty lame. I had more fun with the guy I was seeing but I didn't love him, I love my boyfriend but things are just starting to bore me. I don't want to cheat on him or break up what should I do?

[joypulv]

You either accept this new stage of love (there are countless, I suppose, past the first excitement) for what it offers (comfort and respect and steadfastness) or you say that you are diametrically opposed to each other and must break up. We can't know which. I'm a big fan of a sheet of paper with a line down the middle, even if you rip it up afterward.

I'm also a fan of tossing a coin. You assign one action to head and one to tails, and then the instant it lands, you gauge whether the result was disappointing or made you glad. And that's your answer.

And third, advice from friends, family, and strangers online serves the same purpose. Usually people already know what they want to do and just need to hear both sides to clinch what they were going to do anyway.

[Cat1864]

citychick, I am going to be honest that it is a pretty big red flag that you are thinking about cheating. If it has come that far, leave the relationship before you make a huge mistake.

How and when have you tried talking to him about the issues? Would couples' counseling be an option?

Who decides what you are going to do on your dates? What would happen if you took turns making plans?

Do you both spend time with your friends or interests of your own? Does his jealousy keep you from exploring your interests that he doesn't share? Does he expect you to support/show interest in the things he likes? Does he get upset if you don't?

He could be the greatest guy in the world, but that doesn't mean he is the right guy for you. If he isn't willing to communicate with you and work with you to find compromises, then there isn't much you can do. You either accept this is the relationship or you leave.

Accepting the relationship as it is includes not cheating. It doesn't mean that you should stop trying to communicate your needs, but it means realizing that his needs mean more to him. It is not a healthy relationship especially for you.

Leaving may hurt, but I think you are already there. You say that you love him (and I do believe it), but I think you are also trying to hold on to what you want love to be.

People generally end up in on again-off again relationships because they don't want to let go, but they don't work through the problems that caused the break-up(s). I tend to recommend that couples do not get back together until after they have unpacked the emotional baggage and healed from the break-up. If they don't they turn the relationship into a rebound and keep going through the same thing over and over again.

Think very carefully about what you need and want. Take care of yourself and good luck.

[citychick]

Thank you for the advice. I know the cheating idea is a red flag I try my hardest not to go down that path though. I've tried discussing our issues in the form of casual convos and it makes him upset to the point where he's crying. I spend time with my friends, he on the other hand doesn't really have any I try to include him in activities with my friends but because he's always so shy and doesn't go out often he's often uncomfortable which equates to me not enjoying myself. Thing is, this time around we want to make it work cause we have intentions to marry but I can't marry him like this. It isn't exactly easy to let go when we've invested so much into what we have now...

[Cat1864]

When you go out with your friends, how does he react? Does he have things he likes to do (they don't have to include other people) or do his insecurities cause him to react negatively?

If you can accept each other's differences and compromise, that would give some hope for a lasting relationship. However, if there are no communications and you are both getting frustrated and upset with each other, then counseling and classes designed to help couple's learn to communicate might help. I won't lie. It is a long-shot. It could either work out or in a year you could be at each other's throats and causing a lot of hurt and pain that could be avoided.

You're going to have weigh the pros and cons and try to be as open with him as you can. If it helps write down how you feel and your concerns, ask him for suggestions on compromising and give it to him. Hopefully, he would read it and think about it instead of reacting defensively.

Good luck.

[Wondergirl]

You need more interesting things to do. If all I did was "sit, eat, look around, cuddle, make out, etc.", I'd be bored too.

Check out a half dozen books from the library about trees or birds. Children's non-fiction books are the best with clear wording and colorful illustrations.

Make a list of ten trees or birds that live in your area, then go together (pack a lunch? I suggest meatloaf sandwiches and hot chocolate) to a forest preserve, nature center, state park, woodsy place, your back yard, and figure out which trees or birds are there. Don't quit until you've found every tree or bird on your list of ten.

When you finish that, research house types -- saltbox, Dutch Colonial, foursquare, Cape Cod, etc. and make a list of ten (I've helped by giving you four). Walk around your neighborhood or a nearby village and try to find those types. Don't quit until you've found all ten on your list. You may even see unusual or unidentifable types while you're walking and want to find out what they are, so back to the library or the books.

Go bowling.

Play miniature golf.

Go ice skating.

Help an elderly relative or neighbor with light cleaning (bathrooms and kitchens are especially fun) or yard work. Sit with this person for at least an hour to chat and listen to stories about the old days.

Visit the local shelter two hours a week and volunteer to brush cats, walk dogs, clean cages or litter boxes, socialize shy animals, and chat with other volunteers.

Ask at the library (maybe the one you went to to find books on trees and birds) if they accept volunteers. In jig time, they will probably have you shelving books, putting labels on new DVDs or audiobooks, encasing new hardcover books in plastic covers, searching for books to send out to other libraries' patrons, and other fun things. You could even do light cleaning there -- wipe down furniture, wash tabletops, clean stairway banisters, dust book shelves.

Wow! I'm exhausted! Now, who was saying he was bored?

[citychick]

If I'm out with friends and he's at home he gets clingy and will text like a nutter. If we're together, he'll BARELY speak to my friends he'll say hello and goodbye that's about it. He used to write poetry and music but he stopped (not sure why) I've tried encouraging him to start again but he hasn't. I've known him since he was 17 and he pretty much has a really low self esteem which I've accepted and tried to help him get through. I'll try the pros and cons thing. Thank you again