[Home_Inspector]

I agree risky and expensive unless there are risks of birth defects and her insurance would pay for the amnio. Again I didn't say I condone this use but thought she would like to know her options and the time table for having them done. Nor would I risk the well being of a child to find out who it belongs to but that is me and others have the right to their own beliefs. Some were saying that it couldn't even be done and others laughing about my information about how DNA could be collected. She deserves to be told the truth regardless of whether I approve of her actions or not... I have been married for 22 years and have been faithful for all of 22 years so I'm not the bad guy some are imagining me to be. I just don't think the men "deserve" to know the truth. If they were married I would say they do deserve to know. As far as I know she has made no vows to them. I also don't think them knowing before the tests are completed will accomplish anything but clearing her conscience and to me that would be a selfish act. I just believe that what is best for the child, in most circumstances, would be to grow up in a home with 2 parents as opposed to one and I wouldn't condemn the child into that position before knowing who the father really is first. As you stated above in my opinion would be the best way to approach this matter. If they were married I would have responded differently.

"So you're going to get DNA from your friend first and find out through amniocentesis whether he's the father or not.

If your friend ISN'T the father, that means your bf IS, and you won't say a word to your bf that you cheated on him with your friend. Everything will be perfect then.

If your friend IS the father, you will immediately tell your bf that the baby you're carrying is your friend's and how the baby got there."

[Alty]

I just came onto this thread and I have to say that I'm in shock.

1. Your boyfriend deserves to know that you cheated. No matter what the outcome of the DNA test is.

2. Home _Inspector, telling someone to lie so she can save face is not something we on this site condone. We are moral people, and give moral answers. There's no way that a man should have to raise a child that's not his because the female didn't want to tell him she cheated.

3. Amniocentesis is risky. OP, are you willing to risk the life of your child because you can't wait another 21 weeks for it to be born?

So, here's my advice. Tell your boyfriend that you cheated. Tell him he may not be the father of this child. Suggest counseling if you really do care about him and want to make this work. Let him know that you will be getting a DNA test once the baby is born, and even if he decides to end the relationship, he will be responsible for caring for the child if it's his.

If it's your friends child then the same goes for him. He helped make the baby, he'll have to help care for it. There is no get out jail free card.

You made a huge mistake, now you have to set it right. No, I won't condemn you for having a weak moment, but this child is innocent in all of this, and he/she deserves to have the love every child needs in order to be a good human being. No matter who the father is, he will have to step up and at least financially support this child.

Wait for the birth to get the DNA test. Tell both potential daddy's now that they may be celebrating fathers day soon.

[Wondergirl]

I agree risky and expensive unless there are risks of birth defects and her insurance would pay for the amnio. Again I didn't say I condone this use but thought she would like to know her options and the time table for having them done.

She has already asserted somewhere earlier in this thread that she will have amnio done.

Why on earth shouldn't a male be told he might be, or is, a father?(He was sort of like there to help make it happen.) I thought that was the current push, that pregnant women must come clean about paternity.

[Enigma1999]

I just don't think the men "deserve" to know the truth. If they were married I would say they do deserve to know. As far as I know she has made no vows to them."

Absolutely he "deserves" to know. Both men should know of this.

With all due respect, you say you have been married for 22 years? So... that would make you 40+? I can't believe that someone of your age would even say that.

How would YOU feel if your wife (married or not) got pregnant and didn't know who's the baby was, then didn't tell you, because you don't "deserve" to know? Then you find out? How would you feel?

[Home_Inspector]

Well all of what you said except for this part... "and how the baby got there"
I probably wouldn't go into much detail about how the baby got there...

[J_9]

I'm going to admit right now that I have not read the entire thread. I will do so as soon as I finish posting this.

I'm considering an amniocentesis

Slimchick, I am a nurse in the women's health field, particularly pregnancy and labor and delivery. I don't know any OB/GYN who will do an amniocentesis strictly for the purpose of DNA testing due to the risk factors, such as miscarriage, involved.

[Home_Inspector]

If we were married I would deserve to know. If we were not married it would be her choice of who she had sex with. But this isn't about me... Dating someone and being married to someone are 2 complete different things. One has vows to be faithful, the other doesn't.
Both of the men had a part in this so both knew the risks involved. If she were married to one of them I would think it would be different.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, she will not get a amniocentesis done just because she wants to know who the father is, plus at this point and time, she can't even get a court order to order the men to take the test. ( have to wait to baby is born to get court order for DNA test.

And I agree, lying is never a way to start any relationship and will normally find its way to the light years latter and cause more trouble.

She will at this point have to do what 100's of other women who sleep with more than one men and don't use any proper protection, wait till the child is born and have the men tested.

[Enigma1999]

Home_Inspector,

It DOESN'T matter if she is married or not.

She got pregnant, either by her boyfriend or her friend. It DOES matter if they know. They have a right to know, married or not.

Period.

[Home_Inspector]

As I stated I agree that the rightful father should know. I don't think that the person that isn't the father has a right to know! It's not his kid! Having an amnio or CVC is much too risky for the child just to satisfy your curiosities! Who cares what it costs! The safety of the child must be your main concern right now. You should definitely wait until you have the child to take any DNA tests of the baby. If you think the guilt you feel now is bad imagine the guilt you will have if the amnio injures or kills the baby! Do you want to live with that the rest of your life! In the mean time get samples from each male and keep them for testing and get as much information on both as you can in case they try to fly the coop on you before the child is born. If you find out the child is your BF's baby then all is well except for your guilt of fooling around on him and that you can break to him gently when and if the time is right. If you find out the child is your friends baby you are going to have to tell them both and deal with it then. You will have plenty of time to think of a way to break the ice and tell the truth if need be. If the child turns out to be your BF's then you can choose a special time when you both are ready to tell each other about the skeletons in your closets, you may just be surprised at what he tells you he has done. Everyone has some level of guilt they live with and telling each other your most intimate secrets, if done properly, can make you stronger as a couple. It can also ruin a relationship so tread those waters carefully and do it when the time is right.

[J_9]

Having an amnio or CVC is much too risky for the child just to satisfy your curiosities! Who cares what it costs! The saftey of the child must be your main concern right now.

I do not know ANY doctor who will do this strictly for the purpose of DNA testing. The risks are too great to the baby and the mother. A doctor is not going to put his license on the line for this purpose. At least not any in the major city I work in.

[slimchick]

I'll ask my doctor for advice and if its not a good idea I'll just wait till birth. I'll speak to my friend today and obviously tell him that he's a possible father to my baby.

[slimchick]

I agree if my bf's the father why tell him? We all have secrets. Don't we? If he isn't, well he'll certainly know whether I tell him or not. I didn't lie because he hasn't ask any questions. If he does then I'll explain it was just a tempting moment and it meant nothing. If he loves me as he says he'll forgive me just how I forgave him many times

[Enigma1999]

I believe a healthy relationship is based off trust and communication.

You possess niether one.

That being said, I wish your boyfriend the best of luck.

[Wondergirl]

slimchick: If he isn't, well he'll certainly know whether I tell him or not.

Not necessarily. Did you ever watch Maury's show on TV? Mothers want to find out who are the bio-fathers of their children and, too often, the bio-father isn't the man who believed he's the father and has raised the child.

[J_9]

If we cannot stay on topic this thread WILL be closed!

[slimchick]

Thanks you know me so well

[slimchick]

I don't care about Maury's show

[slimchick]

To end all this, my child will know his/her real father and I already decided that my friend would take a paternity test. As I said before if he is the father my boyfriend will immediately know if he's not then I'm not going to cause anymore drama.

[justcurious55]

OK, so YOU decided you think your friend will take a paternity test. What about your friend? Did you talk to him about that? Did he agree to it? If not, you will definitely have to wait until the baby is born and get a court order.