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maltese_angel · Feb 20, 2011, 01:39 PM

Hello. Im 45 years old and my husband is 15 years older than me. I found out that my husband have been having a texting affair with my ex colleague who is 20 years younger than me. My husband promised that he will stop texting her after I told him that I will leave him. At the moment, there has been no evidence that he is texting her still, I also monitoring his mobile phone bill and he seems to be telling me the truth. Now, he is very attentive and he can't seems to get his hands off me. I do love him dearly and would like to give him another chance so I give in to his desires. However, in the last week, he is unable to sustain an erection hence unable to ejaculate. I do feel guilty and I am worried that I am not really what he wanted. What should I do? Please any advice is greatly appreciated...

JudyKayTee · Feb 20, 2011, 01:54 PM

Has he had a physical checkup lately?

And, yes, it could be HIS guilt that is keeping HIM from performing.

Perhaps you should both see a therapist.

Keep saying this to yourself - "It's not me, it's him."

Cat1864 · Feb 20, 2011, 02:26 PM

How long ago did he stop texting with the other person? How was your sex life then?

Since this is rather sudden, it may be that the timing was off or the environment didn't help. Too hot, too cold, big meal, hungry, too tired, etc. Things that have probably happened in the past but you didn't think much of it until something causes you to question everything in the relationship.

Stress, exhaustion, health problems, medications, etc. can all cause problems with maintaining an erection, too.

One of the first things you can do is encourage him to go to the doctor and make certain he is healthy. It may sound strange, but the endorphin boost of doing something he knows is wrong may have been masking health issues.

You aren't the one who should feel any guilt. He is the one who messed up. If he was having issues with the marriage he should have talked to you instead starting up a relationship with another person.

Talk to him and find out what he thinks happened. If he tries say it was your fault, you might want to seek marriage counseling.

southern_raised · Feb 20, 2011, 05:44 PM

Insecurity, shame, guilt and a whole list of other emotions can cause such a let down. Talk with him, then have a good talk with yourself.

I understand your worry, but stop backchecking. Once trust is broken, only faith can heal it. You have to have faith in your hubby and faith in yourself that you are doing the right thing. If you are religious, you have to have faith that god has a plan for you.

And your hubby has to have faith too. Take one day at a time. But also remember that, your wellbeing should be considered too.

maltese_angel · Feb 21, 2011, 01:01 PM

Thank you very much Cat1864. He said he only just stopped texting about 2 weeks ago. Same time since he had problem maintaining erection. Our sex life is pretty non existent before this issue. How should I start talking about it to him? I really would like to know what he thinks happened but I didn't want any confrontation.. What if he continues to text her again? I have a gut feeling that he would... Thank you so much for your time...

Cat1864 · Feb 21, 2011, 04:30 PM

You need to work on communications. You should be able to talk to him about the relationship and your fears and to listen when he speaks about his needs and concerns. Together you need to work through any damage that his texting relationship caused to your marriage.

You don't have to be confrontational, but you do need to sit down and talk with him about what is going on. You both need to be open and honest with each other. If need be, you might look into marriage counseling. It can help to have a neutral third party mediate and keep the discussion on track.

Let him know that you are concerned about his health. Erectile problems can be a symptom of larger health issues.

JudyKayTee · Feb 21, 2011, 05:52 PM

I just re-read this. The husband was TEXTING someone? I see nothing about an affair or what he was texting the coworker.

Or am I missing something?

I don't control my husband's use of his phone. Note that the sex was pretty non-existent BEFORE the texting incident.

I'm now not too sure what is/was going on.

CravenMorhead · Feb 23, 2011, 11:32 AM

The implications were more along the lines of Sexting rather then texting.

Though it does sound like an emotional affair. Which can be as hard to recover from as a physical affair. Communication, acceptance, and closure.

The one confusing thing is also that your sex life was non-existent before hand. It sounds like you were going from nothing to something. This problem could be something that has been pre-existing. A good trip to the doctor would be a good idea. It could be a physical problem, at least partially.

I don't condone his actions, but I don't think texting like this is a bad thing though. It all depends on how far it went. A little trust is good.

Cat1864 · Feb 23, 2011, 12:59 PM

Originally Posted by maltese_angel

I found out that my husband have been having a texting affair with my ex colleague who is 20 years younger than me.

She does say that her husband was having a 'texting affair'.

What she doesn't say is how long this went on and if the sex was non-existent before the 'affair' began or if it turns out it went missing during the time he was 'active' with her ex-colleague.

Hopefully, they are communicating and working out their problems.

JudyKayTee · Feb 23, 2011, 02:47 PM

When I first questioned this I didn't understand just what it is that the husband is doing. I still don't.

Maybe OP will come back and fill in the details.