[bigNavySeal]

In the last few years I have moved abroad from Europe to Asia to pursue new experiences and an expat working career. I am male and I graduated a couple of years ago. At the moment I am well settled, have good friends around, good activities and a good job. A few years back at the times of deciding to move back to Asia after graduation (I had a 1 year internship experience there that I much liked) there was a close Asian (male) friend in the city I currently live in that I relied on, who is the subject of this topic.

He was a good friend, I temporarily stayed with his family when I moved to Asia and he was at the time my main point of contact. We considered each other good and close friends; We spent a lot of time together, I got to know his circle of family and friends (although he didn’t have too many friends), more like local relatives, and we traveled a lot for over 1.5 years; he got me into contact with a lot of the local culture and so forth. Something I much appreciate and value to my personal experience and growth. We created a small circle of friends together. However, I did perceived him at times to be possessive of our friendship, and I have thought him often to be attracted to the same gender, although I have never given him the indication that I am. I have asked him various times however, yet he denies he was/is.

Not too long after I moved to Asia to stay with his family, I moved to my own apartment, he found the apartment for me, and I had trusted him with a spare key. Over time I progressed with my career, made new friends, enjoyed my time, with other words lived my life, etc. and was also still close with my friend in question. As times passed by some odd incidents occurred while I had various short-term relationships with women, whereby at the time stalking/bothering my girlfriends and myself over the phone and on Facebook various times was involved. I have never been able to sort out what exactly happened at the time, but I have taken it very seriously. The police was shortly involved. Through the people that I knew I came to know it was another expat I met that was behind this stalking for an unknown reason, and I have never really understood his motivations. Luckily the stalking died out; I have avoided confrontation and haven’t spoken to this person since. This was 1.5 – 2 years ago. Although at the time I also linked the incidents to my friend in question, by his responses I initially trusted him he wasn’t behind this.

I’m currently in a one-year relationship with a very decent woman, and the first couple of months she too was stalked a few times for unknown reasons. Interestingly my friend, at the time still close to me, never approved of my relationship with her, but tried to demonstrate this in a subtle manner, e.g. saying she’s not right for you, etc. you will find your right woman later. It is true that I had doubts about my relationship with her at the time.

Various months later, on my GFs very birthday (7 months ago) I had set-up a small nice personal ‘display’ for my GF, and after, as we were for the day out, my friend went into my apartment, burned a personal wooden object my GF gave to me, which I included in the display, had also disrupted the ‘display’, and left again. The wooden object had our names on it, the burning resulting in her name being removed from the object. When I got home I was obviously quite shocked. The day after I confronted him on the phone yet he initially denied. After I caught him on security cameras, he eventually admitted with a vague motivation, and said the burning happened by accident (as he argued the induction cooker wasn’t too far away, it accidentally burned on there), which of course I don’t buy.

To make a long story short, my GF obviously freaked out, I demanded my keys back, which he gave back, but never apologized to my GF. He tried to continue our friendship as before as if nothing happened, and initially I accepted, but not too long after I realised what he had done just wasn’t right. Not too long after, I have requested him a break of contact, which he accepted, and I haven’t spoken to him since for over 2 months.

I still regularly feel stressed over the whole chain of events and our break of contact, as I have never known his exact intentions on these events, I don’t know now what he is really up to and what is going on in his mind, apart that we decided to stay friends on Facebook. After all, we were good friends in the past. I know that he recently got a payroll job (he had his own little business before, but wasn’t going so well), so that’s positive. From how well I know him, he seems rather harmless in nature/action, but you never know, and the events that have occurred in the past months were very odd to say the least. I wish not to speak to him for now. I am relatively close to his sisters, but have also stopped talking to them for quite a while, and they are aware of the things that have happened. To me it was very clearly a jealousy from his part and possibly that he is attracted to the same gender.

As I know he always considers me just a phonecall away, and said even before I suggested the break in contact, that he still considers me as his closest friend, I am bothered by this. Could I trust him, forgive him and ask my GF to forgive him? Might he possibly have other intensions? Should I keep shutting him off, something I wish to do at this point? Some professional advice on e.g. the psychological nature of this situation is much appreciated.

Thank you.

[joypulv]

You are the one closest to this story, and you sound intelligent and aware enough to be the best judge of the situation. No one online, no matter how well trained in psychology, is there to see and hear all the little nuances of behavior.
You have experienced enough with him to cut off the friendship and take back your key, which sounds like the best option to me. I would be vigilant in case he made a copy, and I think I would change my locks if you are allowed to, and if not, get permission! One thing not even the best experts can predict is escalating behavior, and since you have cut him off, he might escalate. So I would be vigilant about stalking in general, and would advise your GF to do so too.
Same gender jealousy may or may not be a sign of sexual preference. There are so many gray areas it isn't something you can pin down, and in cultures where homosexuality is severely sanctioned, it may be hidden forever; even he may not be aware of himself. Or he may just be someone who doesn't make friends easily, and when he does, he latches on and is very possessive. I wouldn't consider it a pivotal matter.
I would keep the distance total and permanent, party for his own good, since he may see any little contact as encouragement.

[talaniman]

He is a nut with his own hidden agenda. Evidently he doesn't like sharing your friendship, or is afraid of losing you in his life. Too bad, but stay away from him, and pay attention. Extreme caution is indicated.

[bigNavySeal]

Thanks both for your responses and advice, which are both similar in nature. Avoiding communication is what I will keep doing for now, but it is quite likely he will seek contact again.

What I find difficult to judge, and although you both sketch a similar and rather dramatic picture, is that he has never ever shown any form of aggressive behaviour. It's was more like high emotional behaviour.

I have experienced him very often to be sane and normal in human interaction, and actually quite advanced in social 'politeness/kindness' to people.

Although I certainly also take escalating behaviour into account, and am therefore cautious, I do think that it was purely an odd jealousy act from his side, but again the extremes in kind and e.g. jealous behaviour are indeed too large to ignore.

I will keep you informed if further events occur. Thank you indeed.