[snowbunny]

I have been dating a lovely guy who has been separated for 2 years and is now living on his own away from his home town, near to me. We hit it off straight away yet still remained cautious as we are both in our 30s.

On a trip abroad we discussed him moving in with me to which I agreed but then he said he was going to hand his notice in on his current flat the minute he got back. I was startled and told him that as he was not yet divorced I could not let him. Besides, we had only been together for 2.5 months. He was upset. I explained to him that his ex-wife might make things difficult if she knew we were living together also.

A bit of background - he married his wife and then had an immediate affair with an ex-girlfriend for the entirety of the one year marriage. Then dumped them both on Christmas Day 2004. Did not properly date anyone else till he met me. Also, his father committed suicide when he was 10 and he has a very strained relationship with his mother and fairly good ones with his 4 brothers from 3 different fathers...

He was promoted at work and now has an extremely stressful job which sees him working 18 hours most days for the month of January - including weekends. He was becoming exhausted and could not stay awake in the evenings.

THings carried on fine, even with him discussing marriage and babies. He told me he loved me more than he had anyone, even his wife. Then his divorce proceedings started. He told me he was fine with it but I know that no-one gets away with a stress free divorce.

Christmas came and he spent a fortune on me and all his time with me. Took me home and I spent time with his family and friends, most of whom he fears he has lost with his last marriage.

We spent nearly every night together all the way up until January. We couldn't get enough of each other and he kept saying how incredibly lucky we were to have found each other. He started to get ratty with me in December and then suddenly in January 'needed some time to sort himself out'. He said his job was too much and couldn't stand the pressure of me needing to see me too. One morning he found himself rolling around the garden in his pyjamas crying because he had hurt his finger moving some garden furniture. This is not the man I know. I gave him space and only responded when he contacted me.

He then told me he thought he was depressed. As I suffer from depression (I now know how to handle it) I completely understood and just gave him advice and urged him to see a doctor. I still gave him space - even more so in fact. He says he has lost his house, friends, dog and is getting divorced, his job is killing him but he has to stay with it as he is £50,000 in debt.

I went into hospital last Wednesday and had an operation on my wrist. I have 8 stitches in it and it's not too good. He didn't come to see me due to work commitments (I believe him, he works for a premiership football (soccer) club and they were playing that night and it is player transfer window until the end of Jan).

Then on Monday night he finished our relationship. I am in pieces. We exchanged several emails and texts since and got all the horrid stuff out of the way but the bottom line is that he says he is so so depressed and overworked and hates himself. He said he hasn't given up on us, only himself. That I am not the only one to be pushed away by him but that he has shouted poison at his mother and they have cut each other off. He doesn't know what is wrong with him and will seek medical attention. He thinks our relationship is a casualty of his job and that any negative thoughts he had about us is due to his depression. He said that he will need some more time (till the Player Transfer Window closes) and then will reflect. He thinks we should keep talking.

So... my actual question is... do I hang on as I really do think he is the love of my life (it's been some time coming!) or am I kidding myself and is he just keeping me 'afloat' for his own benefit? Will I be hurt again in a month's time? My gut instinct most of the time is that he will come back but today I have had different vibes, maybe because I asked my mother what she thought. Can you help please? Thanks

[ordinaryguy]

Frankly, it looks like a very long shot to me. He's carrying a ton of baggage--bad marriage, cheating, divorce, debt, father's suicide, bad relationship with mother, stressful job, untreated depression. I like to believe that people can overcome such obstacles, and some do. Whether he's one of them remains to be seen. Whether he does or not, you have to continue to back way off and let him do whatever he does. Caring for someone like that puts you through a wringer, so get ready to be squeezed. I feel for you, and for him.

[valinors_sorrow]

It strikes me as a little inconguent that you would say this man is the love of your life and yet still have such doubts about him too. Trust needs to accompany love if it is to ever stand a chance, Snowbunny.

I always think that if someone in a relationship is going to ask their partner to wait for them, that several things ought to be in the mix:

1. Clear clear communication so that everyone knows what the waiting is about. Breaks and break-ups are two different things and its best not to confuse them in your mind - that is a substantial source of a lot of heartache for people so read this one again please!

2. Behavior that reflects what is being said - this is definitely not the time to say one thing and do another. If the two don't match, go with what the behavior is saying - its much easier to lie with our mouths than our actions.

3. And an understanding of how long the wait is supposed to take. Specifics are really necessary here. Waiting indefinitely is not a kind thing to ask of anyone.

Love does not require us to suffer for it, despite how great a movie that always makes, okay? Its difficult to tell from your post how well your situation matches up to these conditions so you'll need to be the assessor of that.

Lastly, I would like to gently point out that the man comes with beaucoup problems and you might want to ask yourself what kind of issues you have yourself that makes you pursue someone who seems so unprepared to be in a healthy relationship? I am not saying he is a poor choice, just that he maybe shouldn't be in the relationship market to begin with. For now. I can certainly appreciate how he may need some time to himself to heal and clear his head out. Anyone would having been where he has been.

If waiting seems a poor idea, (and if you don't meet those three conditions it really is a poor idea) let him know you understand that its over and you are free to pursue your dreams. If and when he has his decks more cleared out, perhaps he can look you up. If you are available and still interested then, it can be pursued further but frankly my guess is that neither of those are likely to happen. It is just how the world works.

I hope that lends a bit of clarity to your thoughts.

[talaniman]

If this fellow is making the effort to work on his problems I think waiting for a time may be a benefit, but be aware that it is no guarantee he will be fixed anytime soon, so watch closely and encourage, him but be honest with yourself as far as how long you will wait. He has a long hard road ahead. You may be of help but don't think you can solve his problems for him.Good luck.

[snowbunny]

Thanks everyone - lots of help. I will say that I did not have any doubts about him until he finished the relationship! I still love him completely and truly. I trust him implicitly and know he would never cheat on me.

He has been contacting me today - texting 'to say hello and to see how your wrist is' and saying how busy he is but feeling a bit better.

I am going to give myself one month of waiting. The transfer window will have closed at the end of Jan and this will give him a few weeks to settle down.

I am only responding when he contacts me, not initiating contact, in only a friendly manner and am not mentioning 'us' at all - just that I want him to be happy and hope he is looking after himself which he seems to appreciate.

I completely understand what you say about his baggage and past but until recently he told me and seemed to be over all that, had had a nervous breakdown and subsequent therapy and was ready to make a new life. I think it is the fact that the divorce is now physically happening (lawyers letters, ex-wife in touch and sigining the house over to her) that this has all come to a head (along with his job).

Anyway, I could sit here and make reasons/excuses all afternoon but what I will do is give him space, carry on with my life and be a friend to him without mentioning 'us'. He already knows how much I love him and would do anything for him.

[snowbunny]

Well it has been about a week and I have had regular texts from him. I also sent him an article on depression which is the best one I have read and explained his feelings and behaviour exactly. I know I shouldn't have contacted him from a personal point of you but I was so worried about him and wanted him to know he wasn't going mad. He liked it and said it hit home. Yesterday I didn't respond for a few hours and he texted "I guess you are not talking to me but I just wanted to you to know I was thinking about you". I told him that of course I was and that I still feel the same and miss him so much. He replied "Cool - do you want to meet next week for a catch up" and then carries on with friendly texts for the rest of the day. Today he phones me but has to go because he started crying. He has just emailed me and wants to see me on Tuesday night. Do you think he wants to get back together or is just feeling guilty and wants to clear the air? He has said "Tuesday it is then. Your choice what we do, in or out, fun or not….."

[talaniman]

Know way to know what's on his mind given his problem but we await your update.

[snowbunny]

Yesterday I received an enormous bouquet and a "sorry doesn't even cover it" card. We went to dinner last night and he told me that he is so depressed that he doesn't want to be near anyone but loves me, misses me, misses 'us'. He said he can't promise that the relationship would work and wants to take it slowly. (even though it was me not letting him move on with me after 2 months that started his questioning of our relationship and told me constantly how in love with me he was, babies, marriage etc)He is finding it hard to cope with the responsibility of me while going through the divorce. He talked me through his depression and said he is seeing the doctor next week. While confused, I am so glad to have him back. I want to help him so much but know that I can't do that to the expense of my own happiness. So my thought is to carry on with letting him initiate most of the contact and just be friendly and relaxed more than give him the 'baby lovey-dovey' talk.

Any thoughts / advice? I really do care for him so much.

[valinors_sorrow]

If you can manage to back up to where you were dating but not exclusively then more power to you. I know I couldn't after being as involved as you two sounded.

I still see how ill prepared and premature he is being trying to be in a relationship. Dinner and flowers didn't change much of the really significant parts. It would hit me as unkind to add to the pressure for either of us and for that reason, I would end it very very gently-- knowing that IF down the road we meet again and it is really different, HE is different then maybe. I also know how rarely that happens too.

I am not one to string anything as important as a romantic relationship along not knowing what direction its going -- its just not my nature. I honor that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy and the cousin of apathy is ambiguity. I also think he needs to go through this type of experience he is having with the help of professionals and friends but not lovers, that is just too messy for me.

He needs to do it as a single person in order to come out the other side fully functional. People who are divorced need time alone to do some critical things. I have seen too much of how the world works to disregard this: you can help him or you can be his lover but you cannot be both-- not unless setting up the paramenters in your relationship that you'll always be the caretaker and he'll always be the disadvantaged one suits you and I hear you being very close to that now. I hope that gives you something to think about in addition to how much you care for him.

[talaniman]

As much as we care and want to help people through their problems sometimes the best thing is to move aside and let them handle their lives themselves. It is so unhealthy to put yourself and your life on hold while you become a caretaker for some one else's consequences. This guy has a lot of baggage to be dealt with and deal with it he must. Your duty is to yourself and your happiness so consider limiting the emotional investment to his well being and give him room to succeed or fail. Do not neglect yourself on the maybe he may succeed.