[clafairey]

I'm getting so sick of how much of a push over I am. I have had people treat me like absolute rubbish and take full advantage of me in the past and I've still forgiven them and hoped they'd change. I'm talking about friends, family and partners.

I don't quite understand why I do it, but I try to be nice to everyone, no matter what they do to hurt/annoy me. I've had people use me for a place to stay, food, money, cheat on me and just walk all over me and I still forgive and try to forget. I don't want to hurt people or make them feel bad at all, so I tend to keep everything in and then I begin to get bitter towards them, but try my best not to show it so as not to upset them. I wish I could be open and not bother so much about upsetting people but I just can't get past it.

In the past, I have ended up snapping 2x, at friends. I had two friends who lived with me on separate occasions and I ended up supporting both of them. I got very fed up of this and asked them to move out, I didn't tell the complete truth as to why they had to move though as I didn't want them to hate/dislike me. I'm so scared of people hating/disliking me.

The funny thing is, I work as a security guard at a women's hostel and am in charge of 8 residents, enforce rules and keep the place secure. This, I am good at. Maybe it's because it's a role I have to take? Like a part in a play? Like it's not really me or something, I don't know. Also, the only person I have ever been completely open with and not been so worried about speaking my mind is with my current partner. I just wish I could be this way with other people.

How do I stop being such a push over and stop being a coward?

[clafairey]

Anyone? :S

[Jake2008]

Sometimes it takes time to start getting answers.

It helps that before you get yourself into a position of being used, that you stop to think about what it is others are asking of you.

For example, when you are asked to loan money, instead of opening your wallet, set a new rule for yourself to always say, "I'll have to think about it", or "Sorry, I can't afford to". If you make a choice based on due consideration, you will be less inclined to be instantly opening your wallet, and later having to deal with 'being used'.

The being used part, is what you need to learn how to control. Not the event, not the people, but the part where you are being used. Stop it before it starts.

Set the bar higher, and learn how to say, simply, no. No explanation needed. Have you considered that your friends may be friends, only because they know you never question their motives and actions? Set the bar a little higher on the type of people you associate with, and realize that it is you in control, not them. You can't be used, without permission from yourself.

It is easy to get into this rut when you are a giving person. But, giving too much, and giving too much inappropriately with the consequences you are left with, means that you need to control your decisions more, and have fewer opportunities for others to take advantage.

Even start with realizing that you don't owe anybody an explanation for your own thoughts and decisions. If you are asked for money, simply say no. It is quite liberating, and gets easier over time. Those 'friends' that are left, who respect you in your own right, not for what they can get from you, are friends. The others are users.