[lexi20]

Hi my name is alexis, I'm 20 and my boyfriend and I have been living together for about 6 months now. He works full time, and I have school full time. Whenever we're home together (like right now), he mentions I should do some cleaning, and then he sits down and plays video games.
When I first moved in, I did his dishes, his laundry, and the cleaning. That got old after a while of course, and I started asking him to pick up after himself. That NEVER happened. Today he asked me to clean up. I look around the apartment and all I can see is his pizza plates, his smoothie cups, his pop cans, his lean pocket wrappers, and his empty powerade bottles (I don't eat any of those things). He's even left yogurt spoons on the floor that later dried and became stuck to the carpet.
The last few days I've taken a strike. I haven't done a single thing. I feel like he hinks I'm lazy, but I'm not, I just don't really enjoy being his maid. What should I say without sounding like his mother? It affects our sex life sometimes, because I DO feel like his mother. What should I do? :(

[joypulv]

OOOHHH this is a steamer.
Let's think of some really clever way to handle it.
You could go to the hardware store and buy a roll of yellow caution tape and cordon off half of every room. Put all his stuff on one side, yours on the other, and a chart on the wall showing how many hours he works and how many you have school and study.

One fly in the ointment, however, might be who pays the rent?

[lexi20]

We pay equal halfs of the rent, although he has more bills than I do. This would be a funny idea :) I should add, I've gotten him to clean a few times, (about 3 in 6 months) but when he does, he stuffs all the dirty clothes in with the clean clothes, etc, anything to get me to stop bugging him!

Yes I forgot those things... we BOTH pay rent, and when he does clean(only 3-4 times in the last 6 months), I have to wait until he's not looking and redo it, putting things where they ACTUALLY belong. These times that he has cleaned I make a big deal about it and tell him "thank you so much!" and "it looks so nice!".
When I first met him I was helping him move out of a town house. I helped him to his dishes. They had been sitting in the sink for 2 months he told me. When I got to the bottom of the sink, there was a land mine of mold and rust. That sink never did go back to looking normal...

[answerme_tender]

Lexi,

I absolutely love Joypluv idea!!

I guess bottom line you aren't his maid, then sit down and tell him this. You are living with this man, if you don't have communication in this relationship it will NEVER work. If he doesn't want to be responsible for 1/2 of the responsibilities of having an apartment, then let you know and you will advertise for another roommate and he can get his stuff and move back to mommys house so she can be his maid. He either grows up or ships out.

Take care

[lexi20]

Thanks answer me tender :)
We've talked about it before. I even cried while I was talking to him because I was so frustrated! I don't think words themselves are going to do anything, if you have any ideas for me to take action you should share! I don't want to lose him, I feel like I could marry him tomorrow because he is such a wonderful guy, except this one problem. I think its time to play dirty.

Anyone have any ideas on how to maybe, boyfriend proof my apt so it stays cleaner longer?

I will try talking to him again answerme tender!

[joypulv]

Another idea:
Get prices for housecleaning. Put 2 weeks worth of trash in bags, yours and his. You each foot the bill for the % that is equivalent to the number of bags.

Suggest a chart. Each of you has to clean up and take out all their own garbage, each of you cleans the bathroom every other week, and together you clean the kitchen and living room once a week for 40 minutes.
Let him know that if something isn't worked out, you have a friend who wants you to move in with her (bluff, so scramble if he takes you up on it, and mean it if you say it).

In other words I don't think someone with mold at the bottom of 2 months worth of dishes, and who asks the love of his life to clean his mess, is going to magically leap up based on rational discussion. Action is called for.

[answerme_tender]

Lexi,

If he is a great guy in every other aspect but this one, it may be you that is going to have to give on this one. A relationship just isn't a scorecard! You may have to come to grips you are in love with a slob, and realize that you are going to be the one who cleans. Hey if nothing else it sure gives you motive to get good grades with your schooling--so you can AFFORD a HOUSEKEEPER down the road!!

Rememeber Lexi--there are still people out there searching just to be able to say what you already can--that he is a wonderful guy that is pretty special. Is being a slob something you can tolerate if not then just again sit down with him and see if he can help out with money to get someone in to help clean.

I know you wanted a better answer, something to get him to clean, but sorry sometimes we just have to accept and be thankful for the good things our partners give of themselves to us, and live with the downfalls--DONT we hope they will do the same for US!!

Take care

[Cat1864]

Well, you ignored a warning sign of two month old dishes at his old place and then enabled the behavior when you moved in together. What ever actions you take now need to be with the knowledge that you had fair warning.

You do need to sit down and talk with him about the issues. No blame. No tears. No anger. Try to keep the frustration at bay. Be honest that you feel like you are his mother when you have to clean up after him. It makes it difficult to think about making love/sex when you see him as more of a son than a partner. I wouldn't use the word 'maid' in case he has fantasies about maids.

Ask him to give ideas of how you can work together to keep the apartment clean. It may be that making a list of chores ranging from cooking to paying bills might show the current division of labor and where compromises might work.

Ask him what would motivate him to help out. Maybe make a deal of no video games until after x is done. Perhaps a get together with friends if he helps keep the place clean for z amount of time.

Make a deal that he takes his dirty clothes off in one place. You will wash what is in that pile/hamper, but you won't touch anything he leaves in another place.

Have a large trash can near where he typically leaves his trash. Only use plastic eating utensils and paper plates/cups.

See how you can turn cleaning into a fun experience for both of you instead of frustration.

[I wish]

Being messy is just the way he is. It's not going to be easy to change his habits. You can't force him to change, so you need to decide if this part of his personality is a deal breaker because if it is, then it's going to take a lot of effort from his part to clean up. If he's not willingly going to do it, then it's going to be a rough ride for a long time.

[lexi20]

You are right answerme tender, I should be thankful that he is perfect in every other way :)
As a matter of fact... earlier today I made a deal with him. He commented on how the apartment was a mess. I said, "i'll pick up whats mine if you pick up whats yours." it worked! He even did the dishes.

To cat1864, I've been working on him from the very beginning. He was showing signs of improvement, and definitely signs of responsibility, but then something must have went wrong.

I did not "enable behavior", he is very aware of my feelings and I have been taking action, although it may be small steps, since we started dating.