[love4English]

I need some advice ASAP. My children (ages 4 and 8) currently live with their father. I live nearly 3.5 hours away from them - and get to see them every other weekend. While I have feelings for my current husband, I am not head-over-heels in love with him.

Here is my situation... I have an opportunity to move in with a friend - which would place me closer to my kids. I am unemployed, and if I leave him, my husband will likely cancel my health insurance. Also, the car I drive is "ours." I have to make the decision to stay or go ASAP.

Things that drive me crazy about him/or marriage: he has terrible hygiene (showers infrequently, rarely brushes his teeth), he smokes (I do not - when we started dating he'd quit smoking but started up again), we live in a house with his mother, father, and child - I have NO privacy (he is unwilling to move out), his family treats me like a maid (since I am unemployed - I am expected to clean the house, do the cooking, etc.), he is not a good provider (financially), I am expected to play "mommy" to a child that isn't mine and it makes me uncomfortable, I feel no attraction toward him.

Reasons to stay: health insurance, emotional support, I pay 1/2 the mortgage on his parents house - but have no other bills (he pays the other half), guaranteed use of a car.

I should also mention, if I move closer to my children - there is the chance I will get to see them more often.

HELP!!

[tickle]

Can't really say what you want us to say, love; how could we. We don't know your personal situation, only outlined in your post. You want us to say, okay, based on what you have stated, go and be happy living near your children without a dysfunctional husband, no car, and no health insurance.

It isn't a perfect world and many of us have related problems and work through them. Takes time, decisions, decisions, decisions.

Here is what you do. Sit down at your kitchen table with a big sheet of paper, pencil and make two headings, one should be 'stay' and one should be 'go', then list all the pros and cons of your situation.

It was easy posting here and I feel for you and your situation mirrors so many other women out their today wondering what should be done, come or go, children involved, tough choice.

Mine is not the only opinion you will see here; now that I have posted there will be several outlooks on this. So stay tuned and then weigh all of your options, but firstly:

Do you have a trade that you could put towards a job
Do you have any income at all
Will you be on the street before you find digs
Do you like food, lodging and sociability no matter how bad it is?
Can you live on your own basically seeing your kids from a distance?

Take everything into consideration and sit down and do that pros and cons worksheet to get your head around what is going on in you life right now and good luck, you will probably see me putting my two cents in again here.

Ms tickle

[love4English]

I receive unemployment benefits - $1800 per month
I am an unemployed credentialed English teacher (the education system in California is a mess)
I can move in with my best friend. I would be giving her the same amount of money I am already paying out for my present living location ($600).
I have done the "list" thing... I had 5 reasons to stay, and 13 to go.
I am not sure what you are asking - with regards to living on my own and seeing my kids from a distance...

I have always hated disappointing people, and upsetting them. I know that if I leave my husband, it is going to upset him - but at this point I feel like I am choosing "him" over my own kids.

[love4English]

I should also mention - we have only been married 5 months, and were together only 7 months when we got married. I feel - in my heart - that I married him for the convenience factor.

[Fr_Chuck]

First why does the father have custody and they live with him, I ask that, since that is not common. Is there other issues in life we need to be aware of ?

If you lived closer would you get to see them more, if you just have visitation rights, then you only get those days in the written agreement anyway.

Of course the entire issue of why you got married if you did not love him, is an entire different issue.

[joypulv]

I often wonder why people ask total strangers for advice on matters of the heart.
I answer myself by saying that we all have an answer in mind already, but need to hear all sorts of advice before putting our own stamp of approval on it.
I say go! Why? Because it sounds like what you want.
And health insurance? You don't say how healthy you are, so I'll assume that you aren't held down with medical handcuffs.
$1800 month - 600 rent = 1200, enough for a loan on a cheap car and plenty to spare.

[love4English]

Father has custody because I left the "hometown" for a teaching job. I did not receive informed legal council, and "thought" it would be in the kids' best interest for them to stay in the hometown-area. Long story short - the divorce turned ugly, and we are now embroiled in a bitter custody battle. I have a court date Feb 28 which will establish more time with the kids.

[martinizing2]

Is your currant husband a rebounder?

How long were you divorced before you remarried?

It sounds like you made an uninformed decision about hooking up with this guy.

Staying in a marriage for financial reasons is maybe the worst reason anyone can choose to remain together.

I suggest you be straight up honest and tell him you're done.
In your position , I would get out first, then find ways to make ends meet financially.

I think you have already made the decision to go and would like some backup from the outside.

Be honest and do it.

[love4English]

He's not the rebounder, I am. I was divorced (finalized) less than three weeks when I married current spouse. STUPID STUPID STUPID!! He'd been divorced more than three years. You're right - I made a very uninformed decision when I agreed to marry him.

[tickle]

[QUOTE=love4English;2710692]

I am not sure what you are asking - with regards to living on my own and seeing my kids from a distance...
[/QUOTE

You sounded quite desperate, love, pardon me for asking so much but usually we have to drag all of this information out and sometimes it takes a while.

So we now we know particulars and I see you have done your homework and know what you want to do.

You have an income, you have resources, that's good, most women don't have that when they come on here asking what you have asked. Some don't have any support at all.

That's why I was asking, to establish just where you were coming from so you could get answers befitting the situation.
Tick

[Jake2008]

It is quite clear you've had a few rough years, and some battles to fight that you did not expect.

What is nagging at me is, if your current marriage was better, would your priority be to leave anyway, because of your children? When you did marry your current husband, did you expect that you would gain custody, and if so, were you expecting to move them in with your new husband, his parents, and his child?

Is it because of your new marriage, that your custody battle with your ex husband turned into a battle? I'm asking if there aren't reasons, even with the distance, you aren't seeing your children more than you are now. Are there any other circumstances that have been court imposed, or any reason for restricted access.

If you are going to leave your marriage, I hope that you do it for all the right reasons. I'm thinking that if you leave, and move back to be closer to your children, will you be allowed more access than you have now, or do you expect after the next court date, that because you have moved to be closer to where they are, that you will be allowed to do so? What if you aren't successful.

If the reasons you are staying are truly what you say they are, it seems to be that anything would be better than where you are now. But, how do you know that you'll find work, or enough work, so support yourself when unemployment benefits run out. What if you are faced, again, with moving in order to secure employment. What will happen to your plan then to spend more time with your children.

Imagining myself in your position, I would not be comfortable marrying a man who still lives with his parents, and I'm not sure I would take on the responsibility of being a step parent. Many do, and flourish of course, but it would not be my choice to do so.

But, I would be inclined to move nearer to my children, and I would go after whatever job I could find, and be employed, before the court date. If you have made these sacrifices for your children, I would think it would be favourable for you.