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volbear · Feb 16, 2011, 02:33 PM

My neighbors husband is in afghanastan and has been since August 2010. Around October I noticed she was visiting my other neighbor whose brother was frequently staying with them. I saw them outside one day, he was working on his car and she was literally following him around. I had such a strong gut feeling that she was involved with him that I really started watching what was going on. I noticed them play fighting one day and he slapped her butt when going in the house. She was spending a lot of time at the neighbors house, but had never liked her before. Her brother in law visited for thanksgiving and the guy disappeared the whole time but was back the day after her brother in law left. Her husband came home for christmas and I didn't see the guy for the two weeks her husband was home. A couple of days after her husband left the guy was back. I noticed him leaving her house one day about noon and he was looking around, like he was making sure no one was around. I also noticed her lights on at 2am, and as long as I've known her, she was in bed by ten. Now the guy is apparently living there. His truck is there day and night. When I went over last week she was quick to tell me that he had been so much help to her and that her husband was aware of everything, she told him everything so nothing could be misconstrued. I also get texts that he is staying there because he had to get away for awhile. She has lost over 50 lbs and letting her hair grow out. My intuition tells me there is more to the relationship than that. I am so torn, my gut says she is cheating, my head wants not to believe it. Could sure use some advice. Thanks volbear

answerme_tender · Feb 16, 2011, 02:54 PM

Well from what you have wrote I would agree with your instincts that she is having an affair. If she is a true friend why haven't you called her out on this. When she was coming out with all the excuses why not just tell her to her face that you thought she was lying and that she was having an affair. Then I would have asked if she isn't happy with her marriage why not just get a divorce instead of breaking her vows and becoming the neighborhood cheat!

I guess I would discuss this with her first, see what her reaction is.

Jake2008 · Feb 16, 2011, 03:16 PM

I don't think that you have any business spying on your neighbour, keeping notes, looking for proof to prove your theory of her having an affair on her husband, or otherwise involving yourself to such a degree in the first place.

And, just what are you going to do with the 'proof' you have collected. Tell her husband? Is there some sort of reward in this for you, other than having the satisfaction of knowing your snooping helped end a marriage?

Or, not that you've said, talk to your neighbour because you care concerned for her welfare, and as a friend, wish to help her, because after all, you're spying for all the right reasons right? Its all in her best interest that you do so?

My advice is to butt out, and find better things to do with your time than keep tabs on your neighbours, and expect that a) you have any right to do so in the first place, and b) any good can come of your meddling.

Wow. Glad you are not my neighbour.

volbear · Feb 16, 2011, 03:41 PM

Wow. All I wanted to know was should I listen to my gut feeling so I could decide if I should talk to her. And I don't spy on my neighbors, we sit on our front porch a lot.

talaniman · Feb 16, 2011, 04:04 PM

NO! You do not talk to her about her business, because its none of yours.

volbear · Feb 16, 2011, 04:39 PM

By the way, I am not taking notes, spying or meddling. I would never tell her husband and I want to talk to her but she has really pulled away from me since this started. I just don't want to further alienate her needlessly. I am confused about my feelings and it makes me question my strong feeling. I just wanted to know if anyone could help me decide if my instincts are right. I don't know why you are so offended. You are glad I'm not your neighbor and I am glad I don't have you as my "emotional health expert"

mystific · Feb 16, 2011, 08:05 PM

Honestly, what business is it to you to concern yourself with something that is so completely NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU?

Who gives a flying pig if you are right? What, you want to sleep with her instead? Having an affair or want to have an affair with her husband?

You don't have a partner or family to concern yourself with you have to watch to see what time her lights go out? Really? Your own form of voyurism? Don't get out much?

Unless you're actually in that bedroom with her and know what is truly going on.. you know nothing.

So do what you should be doing best, and keep your nose and your perversions to yourself.

answerme_tender · Feb 17, 2011, 08:00 AM

Well I guess I am thinking in different point of view, and maybe because I have had a friend make this huge mistake in her life. I also had my suspensions, no I don't leave next door, but when you notice different things, and change in attitude,etc.

That is why I asked now that you pretty much know, if you were going to talk to her as a friend. Listen I understand were everyone wants to say its NONE of your business, stick your nose out it, etc.. And they have every right to say that.

However, I am coming from this point of view, that I did suspect and I stood back and didn't say anything to her, just kept my nose out it. Now, I could set around and say "well it just wasnt any of my business" but the trueth was I didn't want to have to acknowledge knowing, maybe I wasn't a good enough friend to take the chance of ticking her off.

She did get caught, and she lost everything, marriage, children's respect,most of her friends and even her own siblings respect. We sat down couple of years after this and I told her that I knew what was going on and why I didn't say anything. She said that she wishes that I would have stood up and told her, that maybe that fear would made her come to her senses that it would have given her someone to talk to about the entire situation. No, she couldn't say for sure that she would have stopped, but we would never know.

So here I am to tell you I still don't know what would be the best solution, if keeping out of it entirely or taking the chance to speak with her as a friend ( if she is really a close friend and not just a neighbor). That call is going to be yours. None of us are perfect, and sometimes its hard to accept that our friends screw up even in when it comes to their vows, but that's when we decide do we stick with that friendship or just walk away and hope for the best.

Take care