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Allanwhite12320 · Feb 15, 2011, 03:36 PM

Around two weeks ago, I got into an argument with my girlfriend. She yhen said it would better if I stayed at mine for the time being. For the last few months, I have been under a huge about of financial stress and was taking it out on her. It wasn't her fault. Anyway I tried texting her but I difnt get a reply and then afterva week she said that after the lies I told her dhe didn't know wheather to believe me. I didn't tell her everything that was wrong until later. I wanted to know if she wsnted to finish with me and her reply was " i need space after everything thats happend. Show me the allan that i knew when we first met". I then saw her that night at work and asked her if I could meet her after work bur she said no. She said I needed to take responsibility for my actions and not have everybody doing all my dirty work. Ive told her how much I love her, and how sorry I am but she doesn't get in touch. Does this mean its over?

Cat1864 · Feb 15, 2011, 08:46 PM

Alan, I just read read your other thread that gives more of your background (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ts-551837.html.)

The advice you have been given there pretty much applies to this thread. You need to give her space and at the same time work on your relationship with yourself.

Since you work for her father (even if it is on a contractual basis), she knows where and how to contact you. Let her be the one to initiate contact.

In the meantime, go to counseling sessions. Think about how you were when you first met your girlfriend and if that is the person you want to be. If it is, look at ways to bring those characteristics out. I don't know what you have available, but volunteer work, exercise, eating properly, getting the proper amount of sleep, taking classes, getting out of the house and meeting new people, etc. are all ways to work on yourself.

I can't say if this relationship will ever work out. I do know that both of you need to work through your individual issues and allow yourselves to let go of the past before you even think about resuming the relationship. You need to show yourself that you can meet new people and possibly make new friends. You need to show yourself that you are stronger than you seem to think you are right now.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for her to make decisions that affect you. Live your life and if/when she gets in contact with you, both of you will be stronger and better partners for each other. If she doesn't, then you can find the strength to fully let go.

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 16, 2011, 12:02 AM

But its been 2 weeks now and just wish I knew if she is going to finish it with me or not.

Cat1864 · Feb 16, 2011, 06:36 AM

Allan, at this time she may not know.

You say that she asked for space and told you what she needs to help her decide. From what little you have said, I can only guess that she is angry and hurt, but giving you a chance. In a way, that puts the ball in your court. You need to show her that you are at least attempting to work on your own issues and get out of the hole you dug with your 'lies' and treatment of her. That will probably take longer than the one week you have given her since you first posted your other thread.

Do you want to be the person you were when you first met her (okay, an older but wiser version)? Do you see any changes that you want to make to yourself and your life? Do you want to change for yourself-not for anyone else? If so, have you looked at where you can make small changes that will set the foundation for larger ones?

She has to make her own decisions based on what she sees (and hears.) Do you want her to make that decision based on what she might be seeing right now? Are you willing to live with some uncertainty to be able to give both of you a chance to see improvement?

Have you given any more thought to what Wondergirl suggested about writing? Are you getting out and getting involved in life?

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 16, 2011, 07:19 AM

Spoke to her mum this morning about something and she said ahe didn't want to split up, she just wants me to make a differemce in how I do things and let everybody else do it. When you are in this position then its hard to keep patient and wait for her, even though I say I would do anything to try a keep her. Just need to play the waiting game.

Cat1864 · Feb 16, 2011, 01:18 PM

'Playing the waiting game' implies doing nothing but sitting there hoping she makes the decision you want her to make. That won't work for either of you.

She doesn't want to break up with you, but she will if you don't seem to be moving forward.

For your own sake, you need to find peace with yourself and learn to like who you are. You need to start building a personal support system of friends and hobbies that will allow you to work through your problems without trying to put them all on her again. I don't think she will put up with that type of behavior any more and she shouldn't. You shouldn't either.

Take care of yourself. Good luck.

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 16, 2011, 01:26 PM

I am doing stuff, forgot to put that in. I am getting myself out and about and from what her mum said, she has heard about it. What I meant was that, so long as I keep doing things to become a better person all I can do is wait till she hopefully gets in touch. That's what I meant. Sitting about isn't going to change things.

Cat1864 · Feb 16, 2011, 03:30 PM

I am very glad you are working on yourself. :)

It may seem difficult or like you are giving up, but as you get yourself on track you might find that what you want in a relationship changes. Be open to seeing all of your options so you don't get stuck on waiting for her. It will set you up to move on should there be a decision that the relationship won't work. If the relationship does work out, then you will be in a much healthier emotional and mental state because you will have a better support system in place.

Good luck.

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 19, 2011, 09:57 AM

Threads merged for the full story

So I have started to get my house in order. Still have problems with the girlfriend. From my last posts its now 2 weeks since I slept their. She said she wanted to see the old me and start taking responsibility for my own stuff and stop being lazy. She invited me to hers on Thursday for coffee and wanted to chat, not about the problems but just chat, is that a good thing for me? Why do you think she did it? I have now done everything I can and sorted my mess out. Everybody says she is not going to finish with me and that includes her mum who sees her everyday. I got a text message last night from really good friends of hers that said she needs space, and that a relationship is built on transparency. I have no idea what that means? Can somebody help me.

talaniman · Feb 19, 2011, 10:51 AM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ts-551837.html

What does transparency mean in a relationship?

Full, and honest disclosure of the truth, about how you both feel, and how you plan the boundaries and rules of good behavior, and how you plan to resolve your issues to the benefit of you both.

I read about your emotional problems and financial difficulties and they way you have handled both so far and I think you do well to listen to what's said and have a plan to solve your problems with the right actions and the help you need.

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 19, 2011, 01:05 PM

I didn't want to tell her all about my problems, but I should have. Now my financial problems are OK now, don't have any problems there now. Also the work will get better. Now she knows this. It was more that I was in a bad mood all the time because of the pressure I was under. But that's gone now and I feel a lot better, but from what I said about what other people have said to me that she is not going to split up, she still has a picture of us lying on the sofa with the words I love you. The valetines present was still their and not in the bin, the ring I got her for xmas, she still wears and the earings I got for her birthday she still wears, plus I still have stuff at hers, clothes, book keeping stuff and also my post still goes their. Does anyone think that I am just thinking too much about her going to split up with me? Sometimes think people just say that she is not going to split up with me because they think that's what I want to hear. I just really want to know where I stand,

talaniman · Feb 19, 2011, 02:19 PM

Look guy, if your thinking all this stuff, and not talking honestly with her, then you can't expect her to know what your thinking, or your intentions. That's the real point isn't it? You have let your personal issues come between you, and left her on the outside largely by your own actions. Who can put up with that for long, and still have love?

You better start talking if you expect to see a way going forward. Maybe she needs to know where she stands, and can expect from you in the future.

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 20, 2011, 02:02 AM

I think you have missunderstood, I told her about my problems and I am now fixing everything. We sat dowm and talked about everything. She knows that I love her and that I still want to be with her more than anything. Everybody is saying to me that she won't finish with me but as I said I think they are just saying that because I think that is what they want me to hear. Of course I have hurt her by not telling everything. But as I say how will she see the difference in me when she doesn't want to see me and wants distance from me? I just want to know if I am wasting my time waiting for her? Also like I said her mum said that she doesn't want to finish with me. She wants that I start taking responsibility for my actions and not have her always dealing with my problems.

Cat1864 · Feb 20, 2011, 05:53 AM

Allan, she will know the same way you know that she doesn't want to end the relationship. You are probably not the only one talking to other people.

While I think she should be talking to you about the issues and what is going on, I also see her need to be certain that you won't backslide.

Things are improving for you, but they are fairly recent developments. Don't worry about her. Work on making certain that you have a support system in place to keep you from hitting the bottom again. Let her see that you are making friends and building up a life that you want to share with her (or someone else.)

She has been hurt by lies and misdirected frustrations, etc. You went through a very bad patch yourself. Both of you need to heal and unpack the baggage that was piling up. Couples have to learn how to handle their individual burdens so that they don't add extra weight to their shared burden.

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 20, 2011, 12:27 PM

Ok, you are probably getting fed up with me now, but just can't get it all out of my head. Still trying to get a picture of what will happen and what she is maybe thinking. My mum has been here the whole week trying to help me out of my mess, she met my girlfriend on Tuesday and spoke to her for a couple of hours and also said if you are going to finish with her then at least do it whilst I am here. She then met up with her on Wednesday for drinks at night and they spoke about stuff as well. Still thinking, if she didn't want anything to do with or if she was going to split up with me, then why meet up with my mum and talk about things. A lot of people have said that most women, whrn they have the intention of splitting up then the stuff that's still their from me, she would have told me to pick it up. Do you maybe think she is waiting for my mum to go home and then speak to me about stuff?

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 25, 2011, 12:13 PM

So its now been 3 weeks since she wants space, we have spoken between plus my mum was here and the two of them met up and chatted about my problems. We spoke on Monday because some of my post goes to hers. I treid to give her a kiss but she turned her head and so kissed her on her cheek. I also slapped her bum like I used and she grinned, jokingly I asked why she is so stubborn, and her reply was that I was also stubborn. She also saod that the women from the post asked her if my post should still go to her, my girlfriend replied yes it can. She also said that I know what she wants from me, I have basically got everything in order now. Rven went to some sort of hypnotheripy thing where 2 people play me and my girlfriend and at the end you can find out if there is still a chance of a relationship. The thing went well, the women said yes but it has to be at my girlfriend tempo, that is what she wants. But this hanging around waiting for her is so hard. Im trying to keep busy and get it out of my head but trying to sleep is the hardest. I really don't want to break up with her, that's the last thing, I sent her a text message today and basically spoke from the heart, but she hasn't replied, she hasn't spoken to her about the problem in a while, its almost as if I don't exsist anymore although in het Facebook page it says that she is still in a relationship.

tickle · Feb 25, 2011, 03:30 PM

Why do you 'speak from the heart' in a text message. How can texting this emotion get you anywhere ? Speak from the heart in a letter. Tell her how you feel romantically. Send a card, tell her that way.

From the way you explain it appears that she really wants to distance herself. Just let her.

Entertain yourself some other way, but leave her alone for now.

Tick

Allanwhite12320 · Feb 26, 2011, 07:35 AM

Hi, trying to entertain myself, but I just can't get it out my head. I wrote her a letter about 2 weeks ago, she wants to see the old me but still don't see how she can get to know the old me when we hardly ever see each other. I even met her today in the town, saw her mums car parked there and jokingly said that they couldn't park because their car was squint. She then asked me what I was doing in the town. When I finished what I was doing asked if they where still drinkning coffee, she yes and I asked if it was OK if I came down as well. Like I said, she still has the ring on, still has the earings that I got her on. Couldn't really ask her what was with us because her mum and her friend where there. Didn't seem the right thing to do. Its driving me nuts, the last thing I want to do is split up with her. And I don't want to bombard her with text messages.

Allanwhite12320 · Mar 3, 2011, 09:00 AM

As you can see from my old posts that I have been having trouble with my girlfriend. Its at the stage where I sent her a message asking her to tell me when I could pick my stuff up because I still have some clothes and work stuff at hers. I know she has time to reply because I know when she is working, she still hasn't replied to my message. She has on her Facebook page the horoscope from her and the horoscope from me, I just can't seem to get the whole situation out of my head even though I am really trying too. Is this a good thing or a bad thing, I am maybe thinking that she is now thinking about not breaking up with me because I thought she would have replied by now and said when I can pick my stuff up and vasically turned it around instead of me waiting for her. On the other hand I just do not know what she is thinking. Can anybody help me?

adviceishere · Mar 3, 2011, 09:50 AM

I don't think anyone can tell you what she's thinking on this, she wants you to wait around on her decision and its now down to you to decided whether your prepared to do that, either tell her its over or continue suffering until she tells you.

Ps.I did read all your other posts