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zennnnnn · Feb 12, 2011, 04:19 AM

I have a 24 year old daughter who has refused to have any type of contact with me since having an argument with her brother 2 months ago. I attempted to remain impartial and not get in to the middle of this craziness because they are in their mid to late twenties and I feel that the should be able to deal with these issues without involving their mother.y

My daughter is furious because I am still allowing her brother to live here (he pays rent, etc and is very helpful to his father and I). In the meantime she refuses to allow me to see my 14 month old grand daughter and is nothing short of hateful. She sends me cruel messages via e-mail and causes me nothing us upset and tears almost on an hourly basis. I really feel that she feels very powerful by hurting me. My husband does nothing but tell me to ignore her however he has a relationship with her.

I don't know what to do to make myself feel better. I feel used and betrayed and the pain becomes unbearable at times.

Any words of wisdom would be so incredibly appreciated.

redhed35 · Feb 12, 2011, 04:43 AM

I'm not quite clear on why she has a beef with you, her father is also in the house with your son,I just wonder why she has made you a target.

Your husband is right, stop letting her hold you hostage, if your going to do anything, state your case and say when she is ready to talk about what happened in a adult manner you will gladly talk to her, but while she is sending you hateful mail and upsetting the house hold you won't play into her gripe.. end with love mom, and leave at that, don't respond to any other mail or text.

Your husband can help pave the way to open commincation and improved relationships,if he's willing to mediate.

zennnnnn · Feb 12, 2011, 05:20 AM

You are as confused as I am by the entire situation. I believe she expects total loyalty according to her terms and it can't be met. Thank you. I agree that perhaps dad can assist in the reconnection however he is also disgusted with her displays of anger and lashing out. I think immaturity is the answer. Thanks again.

adam_89 · Feb 12, 2011, 06:22 AM

I think you should send her a letter saying you are sorry but you aren't going to let her talk to you that way and you will be ending contact until she starts having a little more respect.

Jake2008 · Feb 13, 2011, 12:28 AM

So, prior to your daughter having an argument with your son, things were fine?

What do you think changed.

There must be more than what you see as resentment for her brother living living at home.

What was the nature of the emails- with so many coming in fast and furious- at you, not her brother- what is she saying to you. You say the nature of her email is hateful and cruel, and they are coming in at an almost hourly rate.

You say she is refusing any kind of contact with you, yet she is in frequent contact, via email.

This seems to me, because it is you she is angry with (she's not directing this to her brother who you say she's got a bone to pick with), there must be more to this.

Anything further you can add that might make more sense?

talaniman · Feb 13, 2011, 01:35 PM

Follow your husbands lead, and ignore her, and let her act as big a fool as she wants to.

mystific · Feb 13, 2011, 05:54 PM

There was a stage, I'm not all that proud of where my brother and I came to blows one day. Although he was completely and utterly in the wrong, I felt like my parents sided with him when I felt 'hard done by'.

I gave them a choice it was him or me.. and with no answer that satisfied me I left. My mother was a rainbow of adjectives for quite sometime after having once again sided with my brother. Favourtism tends to sting a little in the pride department.

As a revolt for what 'they' had done to me I became the daughter from hell and submitted them to years of stress and pain all cause by my un yielding want to hurt them for something that grew wildly out of proportion in my own head. The only person who got hurt more was me.

Your daughter is pandering her resentment to your emotional turmoil. She know what buttons to push and won't stop until she gets what she wants from you. The only way for her to learn, albeit perhaps a little slowly, is to cut all contact with her.

I realise this is extremely difficult with having a grandchild, but there will be time to make this up in the future. And as much as I know you want to be there for your grandchild, feel grateful that they're at an age where it won't have a lasting effect as they're far to young to remember.

Your daughter needs a good dose of reality. It will come. But it will take time. She'll try and take what she believes to be the moral high ground, but that will come crashing down when it hits her one day. She will come back and see the foley of her ways.

We all eventually do.