[ziggysd]

Ok I know this has been asked a million times but is my boyfriend cheap? We have been together for almost 5.5 years - we met in our respective sophomore(me) and freshmen(him) year. Since that time I have busted my butt at a restaurant job, moved on to get employed at the college where I am now earning my Master's degree. Clearly, I want to do something with my life that will pay quite well once I get the exp I need. He, however, went immediately into the work force and is now a CPA accountant in a firm that is constantly telling him he is partner material. Yet whenever there is an event or even just a nice date, he makes an issue out of how much money he spends on me. He literally tallies or reminds me how much he spent on the previous date so that its an issue next time something comes up. Now, I am very easy going and I never ask for much of anything - I live at home so I pay for school, school supplies, my own gas, anything I want in the house, the occasional book I buy, and then I often try and treat other people who have less than I do. I make 14k a year at my position at the college, which barely lets me stay even. Is it really so selfish/unreasonable that he pays when we go out since he makes so much more than me? This has been happening our entire relationship - we went Dutch almost the entire time we were both in school even though I had a job at the time and he didn't. This is also on top of the fact that instead of trying to get his own place ( he also lives at home) he bought himself a mustang and went to Las Vegas in the past 1.5 years. He also in a drunken stupor tried to insist he was not going to help me pay for graduate school ( I never asked him to and at that point I had already made loan arrangements so I could be independent and pay for it myself as an accomplishment ) He makes me feel like such a nasty gold digger/ spoiled brat - am I nuts or is this not right?

[justcurious55]

You've been putting up with this for 5.5 years? The only thing nuts that I see going on is that you continue to let him be such a jerk. Have you ever tried talking to him about it? I'm going to assume for now that if you've been together this long you probably have. Chances are, he won't change. So you have to decide, do you want to continue living your life with this kind of guy or move on for bigger and better things?

[vanheart]

Well that's just lame & disrespectful.

I would hope that you mean more to him than $.

Have you told him how much that bothers you?

Sounds like he sees you as an expense, not an asset.

Giant red flag of things to come. Very selfish. Don't perpetuate.

He sounds insecure. Regardless of $.

"This has been happening our entire relationship"

Imagine later...

[ziggysd]

I have tried to talk to him about it - I do not mind paying or helping to pay when its appropriate. I have chipped in on dates that were just going out or treated him to a movie. I am the one who does most things just because (for example, I know he loves Reeses stuff so if I go grocery shopping I get him something.) While we were in college I cooked for him and never got help with the bill for the supplies. I feel like we were just raised differently - I don't think about the cost when I am buying presents for loved ones - I have gotten him a silver chain, a money clip in AZ ( har har ) clothes, vid games, movies, just things I know he would like for his birthday, Christmas, etc. I also think its supposed to be the guy's thing to wine/dine just a little in a relationship, particularly if the pay rate is so out of balance. I will make just as much if not more than him down the road so I do not understand his obsession with $. He is a sweet person, completely laid back, and affectionate. It's just when it comes to ponying up he balks or complains. I am just tired of being made to feel like an annoyance or not worth the trouble.

[vanheart]

Couples that really care & want to build a relationship work through this menial BS.

Like I said, this is a sign of his real character. And yours by putting up with this. Expectations without communicating.

"I am just tired of being made to feel like an annoyance or not worth the trouble"

That says it all.

Who wants that? Id be tired too.

If you guys can't communicate, or he doesn't want to make the effort, then what's the point?

Unless you want this to continue. After all, he's just fine. And your obsessive.

[Jake2008]

In fairness to your boyfriend, he is, after all, 'just' a boyfriend. The two of you are not married, have no joint bank accounts, share no assets, you live in separate residences, and have financial independence each, on your own.

His money is his money, and your money is your money. If he chooses to buy himself a nice car with the money he earned, and take a vacation, that doesn't reflect on how he feels about you, it only says that he is doing what he wants with his hard earned money.

If him spending money on you, or more to the point, not enough money on you, that doesn't necessarily mean that it is a reflection only on him as being 'cheap', as much as it does you making a judgment as to how he should spend his money, or again, more to the point, how he spends his money on you.

If the two of you maybe did things differently it might help. The times you do get together, do things that are more in your budget, so that he doesn't feel he needs to spend more, and you don't feel that he doesn't spend enough.

If you can't pay half, for example when you go out for dinner, and you already know he's thinking of money money money, tell him that you'll cook at your place, and he can half the cost of the meal. Because he can easily afford to pay more, does not necessarily mean that he wants to, or should be expected to.

If at some point you decide to live together, or marry, and you being to build a life together, with income in one pot, then I think you have the right to say how the household money is spent, because you contribute to it.

But, as long as he is a single, independent male, he's entitled to spend his money as he sees fit.

[talaniman]

Lack of communications has left a lot of room for assuming and presuming, and it would seem after 5 years together you would be on the same page as far as dating goes, and who pays for what. He has been clear about what he expects, and you have to be clear on what YOU expect. That doesn't mean go along with his program, and be resentful later. It means don't go along when you DON'T agree.

You want to be wined, and dined more, say so, and if he doesn't wine, and dine you, don't go out with him. Communicating is the only way two independent, separate people get on the same page. And accept, and understand each other.

No, he is not cheap, nor is he lavish, probably never has been, never will be, but you have to stop assuming that since he makes more he should give more... to you. That's not equal at all. His money is his, not yours, and since he doesn't tell you how to spend your money, don't expect him to listen to you tell him how to spend his. You are not his wife, so if he doesn't wine and dine you as you want tell him so. And think about that when you get his Reese's cups, or a gift that you don't care what it costs because, cost are what he is about. Cost to him that is.

He is the way he is. Maybe this is a preview of what kind of husband he will be. Doubt if he changes. Will you?

[Herarcher]

I don't think many of the men in the thread understand how it makes a woman feel dengrated when the man in her life is "cheap". I've gone through this same experience and yes communication is key, you have to be very clear about how his behavior makes you feel. Yes, he is a single independent male who can spend his money however he wants, that doesn't mean that he doesn't incur a romantic responbility to you, women want to be wined and dined, and yes even taken care of at times but we give so much more.

I don't think it's so much the $ that bothers us, it's the lack of commitment, just because you are not married doesn't mean you aren't committed to someone. If he has chosen to be in a relationship with you and he knows your financial situation, instead of making you feel badly about it or accosting you with the dinner bill he should realize that relationships are about investing in one another, if doesn't think the investment is worth it, then maybe it's time he seek a different girlfriend because you are too valuable, too beautiful and too smart to put up with such matters.

You deserve someone who respects you, loves you, would go to the ends of the earth for you and someone who would never, ever make you feel guilty about who you are.