[sjaydee]

My best friend and I have always been really close, we were practically sisters growing up. She's always been a great friend: there for me when I need her, always ready to do a favor for me, and has my back whenever I needed an advocate.

As adults, we have grown into different hobbies, preferences, and lifestyles. That isn't a deterrent for our connection, but it does affect our ability to find mutually agreeable things to do together. I am now in a career, in a band, have a boyfriend, and my own social circle. She has the same. Our schedules are absolutely opposite each other and that cuts into our time to see each other even more.

For the past three years or so, we have been getting into really dramatic arguments every three months or so. They always revolve around my lack of attention to her hurting her feelings. When I haven't called her in four days, she texts me and tells me she needs me to be there for her. If she has to inform me of this more than once, the texts get nastier, or I get a lengthy email where she points out all of the things in my life that have taken precedence over her and then she details all of the favors she has done for me as if those favors imply a debt I owe her. Every time she does this, I feel extremely guilty and go out of my way to apologize profusely for being so busy and not showing her how much I love her, etc. etc.

Last weekend, she sent me another angry email. She had been trying to call me all day and I didn't know that because I was busy. What confuses me is that I looked over my phone records (a little much, I know) and realized that we talk to each other, on average, more than daily, more than an hour per week. Of all the closest people in my life, she gets the most of my "free" time aside from my boyfriend and mother. I finally decided after this last email that I couldn't live like this anymore.

I wrote her an email that, in short, told her I couldn't give her more than I was giving her. I was an adult with a busy life, and though I cared for her, I couldn't be her 24/7 emotional support line (every little detail in her life is a huge drama to her that needs my acute and lengthy attention). I told her that I can't accept her guilt trips every time she wanted to get what she wanted out of me, and I didn't feel that our interaction was "best friendly".

I did my best to point out logical, linear reasoning behind my thoughts. I tried to assure her that I wanted to be her friend and be there for her, but that we needed to have an adult friendship in a healthy context. Her reaction was apparently so extreme that her boyfriend sent me nasty texts, and she is demanding via text that I return the mattress she lent me to her parents' house (fyi-I sent her a text asking her to have her parents contact me so I can arrange the details with them. I haven't heard anything in almost two days).

A summary for those who don't like walls of text:
-I put up boundaries for my really needy friend who guilt trips me into pouring more time into her than I have to give. She reacted very dramatically and (according to nasty texts I received from her boyfriend) has not considered the factual logic behind my reasoning.

Is it best for me and her to let her be angry and then come to me when (if) she takes a look at her actions and wants to fix our friendship? Any help or insight someone has into this type of friendship problem would really help me. I don't want to lose such an important person in my life, but I don't want to feel like a bad person all the time because of the guilt trips. Thank you!

[Alty]

I think you should give her time to cool off, let her contact you, but when and if she does, stick to your guns so that this doesn't continue to happen.

You have your own life. She's supposed to have hers. Being busy isn't something you should feel guilty about. You don't owe her 24/7 access to you. That's not what friendship is about.

Also, any past favors she did for you shouldn't continuously be brought up by her in order to get what she wants. If she didn't want to do the things she's done, she shouldn't have, but you owe her nothing.

Bottom line, if she decides to make contact make sure she knows that in order for you two to remain friends, things have to change. You can't and won't continue the way you have been.

[Homegirl 50]

My goodness how old is she? She sounds very manipulative.
Let her cool off and if she contacts you again you tell her you want to continue being friends but as a busy adult you don't have as much time.
Tell her you hope that is enough to keep the friendship going.
It is then up to her.
Set down boundaries though. She can no longer confront you in disrespectful ways or have her boyfriend do it. When and if sh does it again, ignore her.

[DoulaLC]

I would just add, that if after giving her that time to cool off, and you have the chance to get together and discuss how your friendship has evolved, you may have to make some decisions if things do not improve.

This may be a situation of her being a great friend at a time in your life when you both had mutual need for it, but as you have grown things have changed. Some friendships serve a purpose for a limited time.

You may find you chat now and then to catch up, but the distance becomes greater as you both continue to grow and move in different directions.

[sjaydee]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm glad I have people agreeing that it's her move next.

I keep suffering from "coulda, woulda, shoulda" syndrome ever since the email. In essence I know I said what I needed to say and I can stand behind every word of it, but I wonder if I should have been more thorough about wanting to FIX our friendship, not END it (she is convinced it's the latter). I was also afraid she might think that I don't want to be her friend anymore because of something she did a couple months ago that I disapproved of. I took great pains to tell her that situation has nothing to do with my thoughts on our friendship currently. Unfortunately that situation is the only thing she is pinning my email on, and it is the reason her boyfriend is so upset with me.

But, I can't just reiterate what I already said and expect her to magically see the points that I DID make and ignore how she WANTS to interpret it. That just opens the door for more drama and anger on her part. Again, thank you for the advice. I will sit tight and hope she comes around.

[sjaydee]

She's 23 and I'm 24. She is manipulative and has been so since childhood. I just don't recall her manipulating me, only her parents. Maybe I have selective memory?

[sjaydee]

I actually would prefer our friendship just be an occasional lunch and catching up. I think that's the healthiest context for us. I don't know if she'd go along with it.

[Homegirl 50]

It's time you grow up and not allow this to happen anymore.
Sometimes friends are for only a season in our lives and maybe her season has passed.