[clearlyconfused]

Before I go on, I wanted to tell you how things were before all this crap. Both neither my husband or I had any opposite sex friend that we kept in contact. Once we got married we both just agreed on that. Neither one of us had Facebook or any of those sites, he just thought that one you get there is just to look for trouble or because you are looking for someone in particular. I didn't have a problem with that, since I agreed with him as well. We figured that if you need a friend it should be a woman in my case and so on.
The inevitable happened on Friday night. I went to his sister's graduation party and it was very awkward, it felt very weird, everyone was watching me the whole night, so at that point I knew something was going on, but didn't know what it was. Finally my mother-in law asked if I was OK, so of course at that point I lost it and I asked her, how much she knew, so I guess she's know for about a month, but she didn't know that he was thinking about leaving us to go with the ex. All she knew was that he found her online and that was it. My mother-in-law talked for a while about everything that is going on, she was so upset but didn't want to talk to him about it, at least not yet, but she advised me to call "the ex", so I left her house and called her. We talked for 30 minutes about their relationship, and all she could tell me was that they're friends and that they talk a lot, e-mail each other and chat on "facebook" (remember what I told you earlier) so I guess they've been talking for two months, he has sent her pictures of our kids and she said that the only thing he said about me was that he loves me as a he would a friend. She also said that she wasn't interested in him, other than a friendship, and for some reason she was super nice and said to call her if I needed anything, that she would give me her e-mail address, her home address. (which made me very suspicious) In the middle of my conversation with her, he called her, so obviously he found out that I was on the phone with her. He called me about every second for the last 10 min that I was on the phone with her, but I wanted to finish my conversation with her. By the time I got off the phone with her I was so nervous to get to the house, because I knew that he was so mad, and it was so late, the kids were sleeping in the car with me and I didn't know how this was going to end. He has never been physical but I was still nervous. Luckily when I got home, his mom was there with him trying to help. To make the long story short, we argued all night until 2 am, at this point I had to get away so I left the house to drive around and just think straight. In the meantime, he texted a couple of times, one of them was to sort of admit that all of this was his fault. All I could think about is the lies and how long this has been going on. The next day we were both calmed and talked some more, I didn't want to talk about it her again, so I didn't bring anything up, but in the middle of our talk the one thing the ruined it all was that he said: "she is going throught so much and for me to bring this up to her, I feel so bad", and I was so upset but I didn't say anything I just sat there. Then he just said I don't even know why you are so upset I didn't do anything, up to this day he hasn't really apologized, he doesn't see what I feel. I am so hurt of the secret life that he was living, the lies, and he being friends with his ex, for whom he still has feelings for (according to him). I know he's going through some struggles in his personal life and that is why he's so confused but in the process I'm getting hurt. I will stay for as long as I can. I love him, but I also would like to apologize and realize what he did. I feel that he still cheated on me emotionally, whether he admits it or not. I just e-mailed him a long letter letting me know my side of the this, and how I feel and why I am so hurt. He still hasn't respond.

[talaniman]

When things are in the open, they can be dealt with, and I think your right, he has a lot to correct within himself, if he is willing.

I think you keep your distance until its actually happening, and don't act like a guilty victim. His actions have brought this about, and only his actions can change things. That means don't take any bad behavior from him for any reason.

I wish you the best, and you need to know you're a good one that deserves it.

[clearlyconfused]

I wish you the best, and you need to know you're a good one that deserves it.

Thank you so much. You have not idea how this website has helped me. When I first found it, I was suicidal. I was such a coward to even think about it but I couldn't talk to anybody about it, or at least I felt that nobody cared. Now I know I can come in here and vent and also learn from others. I am also in the process of building back myself esteem. When I sent him that e-mail I made it clear that I just wanted to let him know how I felt, in fact I told him that he didn't even had to respond. I do understand that he's going through some issues, so I am giving him his space. I don't text, call him or email him unless he does. His mood is up and down, I also think he is getting a little depress, but I also let him know that I am here if he needs me.

[Homegirl 50]

I'm sorry you're going through this. You now know more about what you're dealing with. Don't let him make you feel guilty.
Give him space, but don't give him permission to continue his mess.
I wish you well.

[Cat1864]

I haven't responded much, but I have been following the thread. I want you to know that you and your children are in my thoughts and I think you have a lot of inner strength you are just now tapping into.

You might show him AMHD. Let him know that there is support for him too. The support will probably be tempered with a healthy dose of grow up and stop living in the past. However, it is here.

Whatever else happens, enjoy the special moments that happen daily as you raise your children. Don't get so caught up in his drama that you miss the laughs and smiles.

[clearlyconfused]

You might show him AMHD.

I'm sorry but what is AMHD?

I want you to know that you and your children are in my thoughts and I think you have a lot of inner strength you are just now tapping into.

Thank you! If anything this has help me realize a lot of things about me, I am learning a lot in this painful process, but I know that things happen for a reason and I'm sure at the end I'll find out why this happened. I used to question why me? What have I done to deserve this? But again, this website has help me a ton. You have no idea, my desire to do things for me is back. I'm also being a better mom. Thank you ALL! I'll keep you all updated.

[Homegirl 50]

AMHD is this website. Ask Me Help Desk

[clearlyconfused]

I am so sorry, I googled "AMHD" and it gave me some medical terms, so I was confused. Thanks! I mentioned him this website, and I told him how much it has helped me, so we'll see if he gets on it.

[Homegirl 50]

He could learn something!
You feel free to come anytime to need to vent. We will be here for you as much as we can

[clearlyconfused]

I don't even know if I should even keep trying, or just give up...
I've been married for 13 yrs. And have two beautiful kids. I thought we had a wonderful marriage until last year. Last year all of the sudden my husband decided that he wanted to get a divorce. Obviously he had been thinking about it before he told me about that, but for me it was a surprise. He said he just wasnt' in love with me and he didn't know if he ever was.

He was in contact with his "first love". He looked for her on the internet and used to call her and text her throughout the day. She lives in a different state, so I know nothing ever happened, at least physically. Thanks to this website I dealt with it pretty well, and worked it out. He was going through a lot of changes in his personal life as well as work. He wasn't happy with himself and was easier to blame me than to admit it.

Anyhow, it seemed to be OK for a while, I still had a hard time trusting him, but tried everyday. I will still check his phone and our phone bill every now and then. Three weeks ago he had to go out of town for work, and I was fine with the trip and didn't think anything of it. On the second day I couldn't sleep so I decided to call him later than usual and he didn't answer his phone instead he texted me telling me that he was in a meeting.. at 10 p.m. I thought it was odd, but I gave me the benefit of the doubt.

When he came home, I noticed he was very distant and sort of distracted. He was very protective with his phone too. About a week ago, I decided to check his phone and found two sent emails where he was replying to two different sex encounters, I was devastated, and humiliated, since I always have to start everything at home and sometimes he acts to bother if I do. I was so hurt and couldn't even look at him at all. I was so upset, hurt and shocked. I feel like I don't even know him at all. Those text were sent the same night he told me he was in a meeting. I wanted to confront him, but I knew that he will just walk away from all this, instead of talking about it. I know I will talk to him about it, but I've been waiting for the right time.

I also found some dating sites on our laptop where he's been. I am so confused I don't know if our marriage means anything to him at all. I don't want to give up our family. I still love him, and I'm sure he knows this. It was really hard last week to talk to him and pretend that nothing is going on, when I know that is far from the truth, but it was a good weekend. He doesn't have a father figure or anybody that can give him good advise, except for his boss. My husband looks up at this man like no other. He helped him get back on track last time. Should I talk to him about this problem to interfere? This is so personal that I'm emberrasted but I feel so out of luck. What should I do??

[talaniman]

Listen carefully, get your ducks in a row, get some financial advice from a divorce lawyer, so you can know all your rights, and as you form a plan of action, and survival, tell him his actions, and behavior, are unacceptable, and will not be tolerated, and tell him to get the hell out, quietly, and calmly.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say, and take no more crap. Cry later, handle your business now! Sometimes a slap up side a guys head is what he needs. He wants a divorce, give him something to think about.

No more nice victim.

[Jake2008]

He's not a teenager.

He's a grown man, married, who fathered two children. He has no business having any encounters, particularly sexual in nature, with any woman. I don't care what her occupation happens to be.

If he is unhappy, he should keep his pants on, and get his as* into counselling. What makes his life so unique and special that he can lie, cheat, and distance himself from his commitment to his wife- you- and children, and pursue the very unspecial art of screwing around.

And you, on the other hand, wait for the right opportunity to address this with him? You do realize what he is doing right?

Why do you put up with it. He's in or he's out. There is no compromise to allow for affairs, liaisons, meaningless sex with strangers, hookers, sex sites, chats, etc. with any woman. He has disregarded, completely, his marriage, and his family. He is risking, by his own behaviour, the loss of everything.

I would address it, and not wait until he seems receptive to talk. Tell him what you know, and that you will not tolerate it. Tell him you have made an appointment with a marriage counsellor, and you expect him to keep the appointment. Put it on the calendar on the fridge. If he won't go- you go.

I don't know who needs a wakeup call more. Him, to realize what he is about to lose, or you, for not putting this on the table and dealing with it.

[clearlyconfused]

I know, you are both right, I should know better and not let him treat me this way. I just... He talks about all of our goals as if nothing really happened, I'm sure he doesn't really know that I found all this out, but I am sure he can tell there is tension between us. I've had a hard hiding my anger and disappointment in him. I feel like he is not the same person that I married. The same weekend after his trip he asked me to arrange to have a sitter to go out on a weekly date since we haven't really gone out on a date for many years, and now with the kids is even harder. So we went out that Friday, and we had a great time until I remembered those emails and I just can't keep it in, but I haven't cried in front of him either. We have gone out every week since then, and that seems to be going well, but I know I can't lie to myself about our problems. This last Friday, I brought up the our sexual life and he just blew me off and said Im happy in every aspect and I cant' imagine being with anybody else or being married to another women, he said you have everything that I want in a woman, and he also said that his boss has told him that several times, even though we've never met, his boss told him that he wouldn't be where he is if it wasn't for me. So this made me more mad, since I know what is really going on behind the scenes, I've acted like nothing has happened but I don't believe a word he tells me know. I don't want it to get to to point of hatrage, so that is why I think is best to walk away from this fantasy marriage. It just hurts me to look at me daughter and know that I will be taking all of our future plans away from them.

[talaniman]

His words and actions don't match. Cry later, handle your business, with the truth, and the fact. He needs to know you know the truth, and ain't happy at all.

Those are the facts, and anything less is dishonest on your part. Just saying.

[Jake2008]

I think maybe something to think about, is the fact that he can profess love, fidelity, honesty, and optimism about your marriage, but, just under the surface is not love, he is not being faithful, he's not honest, and his optimism is misplaced.

The face you see is what you want to see. All that he professes, is what you want, and need, to hear, and believe in from your husband. But, it is a false personna saying these words to you, and the words are working. You are still silent.

You do have choices. You can remain silent, and overlook his indescretions. You can confront him, and risk the end of your marriage. You can try, through counselling, to address what you know, and get the cards on the table and see if there is enough left to rebuild trust.

If you just bail, you run the risk of not saving your marriage. To be fair to yourself, and fair to him (dispite what he's done), a decision whether to leave, should be based on a thourough examination of all the facts, and time to work through it all. Without insight and honesty, you are running away from a foe, that you just may be able to conquer.

And, you may just come out a stronger woman, and mother because of your decision, no matter what it ends up to be.

Either way, without the cards on the table, you will never know, and keeping all of this inside makes life easier at the moment, eventually, you will likely realize that if you cannot trust your husband, and communicate honestly, you will likely end up having decisions made for you, instead of making decisions for yourself.

[clearlyconfused]

You are right!! I will talk to him. As stupid as it sounds I just wanted to make sure his mother was back in town, since she was gone for several weeks and I knew he was going to need the support. I know I shouldn't care since he obviously didn't care for us, but I do. She is back now! I will try to talk to him tonight. I am so hurt but I am also doubting myself. Our anniversary is next Monday!! And I just kept hoping that it will be a make up day. Do you think this is well damaged or can this marriage be saved? I just have a hard time picturing myself as a single mother and without him in the picture. I know this is not enough to justify his actions. I know he caused all of this, and I should just know what to do. It's just easier said than done.

[Jake2008]

It isn't an easy position to be in, by any stretch of the imagination. Most likely the most difficult problem you will ever have. Things get very complicated, because you have to accept and anticipate that there will be consequences to speaking up- good or bad.

I would advise you to tell him ahead of time, that you want to sit and talk to him, on a certain day and time. Ask his mother to mind the kids. Be as prepared as you can with what you want to say, even if you need to write it out point by point. If you have 'evidence' at hand, I'd be prepared with that too, just to get past flimsy excuses he'll likely offer up.

Allow yourself time to both talk, and listen. And, be prepared for him not to be willing at that date and time, to discuss anything. It may take more than one try to get the truth on the table. But, I would also advise you not to discuss this in bits and pieces, and if he wants to talk again, tell him, same time next week. And leave it at that. It is an issue deserving of due consideration, and preparation. To push everything at once, or think that one attempt at the truth will be enough, may very well not be enough. He has much to answer to.

[clearlyconfused]

Thas is such a great idea. I know if I give him heads up or at least let him know that I want to talk to him, before I actually do he will not be as upset and probably listen more than just walk away from the conversation. I really want to get all the cards on the table and get to the bottom of all this. I don't have any proofs, but the emails are still on his phone. I just checked again this past weekend and they are still there. I don't think he knows that I can get to his SENT messages.

[Jake2008]

I am glad you are going to try, and not give up without a fight. He will either accept responsibility for his actions and change his life around, or he won't.

But, at least you will have the satisfaction of being sure, when you do need to make a decision, that it was the right one.

Best of luck to you. I hope you will post again.

[clearlyconfused]

Thank you for all the great advise. I will post again!