[Viola05]

I'm trying to make this short.

Im in my early 30's. I finally met a wonderful genuine good man that I see a potential future with. And thing's are truly great. It's still a very new thing. And aside from us dealing with a long distance relationship thing the only other issues that may be a problem is He has an ex that he told me he gives a small amount of money to from time to time to get by. She cheated on him and got pregnant by the man she cheated on him with and is now on welfare with no family around. So I guess he is her last resort when it comes to having someone help her out when times get tough. He says he never meets her. He just leaves the money in an envelope in his mailbox and she comes by and gets it. I told him how uncomfortable this makes me. He says I have absolutely nothing to worry about, he just feels bad for her and there's no way he would ever want to be with her after what she put him through. I do believe him, its obvious.

It's not fully a trust issue here but more so... It's just the fact that he can't just completely stop any contact or stop helping her. I can tell he at this points feels bad for her.

So now I told him I just need time to think if this is something that I can deal with, be comfortable with. For my own boundries. Maybe I'm still comparing him to ex's that have done me wrong in the past and now I'm just scard.

I can't help but feel I'm trying to find something wrong because I'm scared. I don't know. I guess I would like advice on what to do. Am I just overreacting and just see it as someone he is helping out but happens to have a past with. It's hard for me to understand because once I'm done with an ex I'm done. I don't want to be mean and cold hearted and make him feel like he has to choose me or her, I know we all come with baggage. I just don't want to making any rash decisions.

[ken007nielsen]

Hi.

Well the guy your describing sounds like a really forgiving stand up guy.
I think you can come to terms with it, as long as they don't meet up somewhere, however personal contact should be avoided by him. But leaving some money in a mailbox, doesent raise the red flag with me, and that's my baggage, finding little things that doesent really matter, so I say jump in with both legs, and I wish you all the happiness in the world!

Also, leaving her money. I'm sure it won't last, just wait it out - because I really don't think you should deny yourself a guy you obviously like because he's being nice to someone that actually hurt him. Just goes to show he has a big heart!

[vanheart]

Have you told him how much that bothers you?

Sounds like his ex is using him & he is too "nice" to let her truly go. May be pity or guilt on his part.

He has no more responsibility to her. Ex's are exs.

Honestly, I wouldn't put up with that. She's obviously no good & reckless.

Don't let her wreck what you may have.

LD relationships are hard enough especially with this BS.

[Viola05]

Thank you for you views on it thus far. Yes, He knows and wants me to talk about it with him. Your right she is reckless and I think it steming from guilt,responsibility and not being able to let go.

Because, I did leave out this part. When they were together, she also lost a mother when they were together and she became even more reckless with substance abuse and suicidial. He had to stop it from happening and had to take her a place by doctors orders. He told me if she were to do anything like that again, he doesn't want the weight or guilt of feeling like he didn't try to help her.

I talked to him about it again. He said he would stop helping her once she got a job and was on her feet. I told him what if that's a year or more from now. He said he would stop.
But, I'm still not sure where I have decided to stand on it yet. I guess that will take some time. I don't want to loose a good thing. I guess I just still need time to figure out where my boundries are and if it will be OK.

[talaniman]

Keep talking about it that's a good sign. The good news is he truly is a nice caring guy. The bad news is he is a too nice caring guy, and sooner or later he will understand the best thing to do to help someone is to do nothing.

Sometimes people have to help themselves, but is it your place to point this out? I don't know, because sometimes people have to figure it out for themselves to understand, but keep talking, that's the only way to build anything. Just don't judge, or rush to judgment.

No hurry to see how it works out because as you learn, it will be clear what path this is going down.

[answerme_tender]

If this is a long distance relationship as you have pointed out, then you only know one side to this story. Why would he even tell you this so new into the relationship is kind of weird, is he deliberately trying to make himself appear to be the nice guy.

I am just approaching this from a different point of view here. He could be the nicest guy you have ever meet, but he could also be a wolf in sheeps clothing, only time will tell.

A stranger can say and be anyone we want them to be until they can't fake it any longer. Sometimes our instincts alarms don't go off right away.

I just encourage you to not lose your head or your heart to this man until you have had been able to spend a lot more time with him and see him interact with his friends and family on his territory!! Once you have had time to really watch,lesson, and gaither facts will you be able to decide if you want to jump in with both feet.

Take care

[vanheart]

So, she gets gets a job... Then... Nice answer. I would be mad.

You got with a guy that has a strong tie that he doesn't seem willing to give up. Regardless of you.

Pretty lame. I wouldn't bet my bank account on him.

Hes already proven things by his actions. Hes no victim or a saint. Hes the one in control here.

I would give him an ultimatum. You or her.

Its easy for him. You're not there.

Either get together & make a plan, or chalk it up to fun times & move on.

There's no reason in the world to wait for this guy.

Hes obviously not ready. That why people sometimes are in LD relationships. So they don't have to really deal.

Can be on holiday.