[desperatedad9]

My daughter will be 18 in 3 months. Our relationship has dissolved the in the past three year She has become abusive, disrespectful and in 4 years has gone from As to Cs, Ds and Fs. She put no effort into anything other than Facebook, Myspace and her "friends". At this point we do not speak to each orther and when we do (no matter what the topic) it becomes a fight. My biggest concerns are lack of respect and consideration towards our family and her giving up on school. To my knowledge she is not doing drugs or drinking yet, sex I am not sure about but I could understand if she was in a relationship which she is not. I can't bring myself to accept how she trates the family including her 10 year old sister and that her lack of study (she never picks up a book and I get call from teachers complaining about her) is jeopardizing her athletice scholarship to a good school.

My respnonse has been quite stern. Meeting her rebellion with strong discipline (I have never hit her but come close several times). My immidiate concern is that I may be pushing her into the arms of sex, drugs and rocknroll but I also fear that letting her go will take her in that same direction. I thank you all for your kind thoughts but would only like to hear from moms or dads that have been in the same please. We have already tried the Chruch and therapist with no results.

Very Desperate
DAD :-(

[Wondergirl]

What went wrong with the therapist?

[martinizing2]

My immidiate concern is that I may be pushing her into the arms of sex, drugs and rocknroll but I also fear that letting her go will take her in that same direction. I thank you all for your kind thoughts but would only like to hear from moms or dads that have been in the same please. We have already tried the Chruch and therapist with no results.

Very Desperate
DAD :-(

It might be a someone who has no kids that still has valuable input that could help a lot. We do not limit answering to any specific group.

When a child is 18 they really are no longer a child and many will break away from family to get a feel of independence and freedom.
If she is living at home you can put restrictions on some of what she does as stipulations of being able to live there.

Communication is always the best way to get to understand what the girl is feeling.
Talk to her being open and honest, but don't make it a debate. Tell her you are concerned about her and want to know what she is planning . But at this time do more listening than talking and no matter what she says, just listen, try to get the whole story from her. And arguing is usually not the way.

This is how I would approach my kids and has been the most affective in finding out what is on their mind.
You have to realize that they are not an extension of you. They have their own agenda and ideas and if it is not what you want for them you can only voice your opinion and know that in the long run they are their own person and will do what they decide is best. No matter how bad it looks to you.

You are right that being too restrictive can drive them into what you are trying to restrict them away from and no restrictions can do the same thing.
It is a fine line you have to walk that is different with each person you are dealing with and you have to play it by ear.

The time for scolding, threats, and raised voices is over. She is basically an adult and if you treat her more like one she may act more like one.

I would stress the value of having a scholarship especially in this economy. That is the way she can truly become independent and self sufficient with a degree.
Then stress the benefits of having a supportive family help get through college.

The best thing you can do is open up a line of communication on an adult to adult basis. Remain calm and give thought to everything you say.
As a father of 5 I know how hard this is to to keep the emotions in check and also know it has to be done.

And talk to her as much as possible without smothering her, let her know it is because you love her you want to know.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't say or do anything.

I wish you well

[Jake2008]

If she continues to get F's, continues to be disrespectful and argumentative to the point where you come close to physical violence, and nothing you have said or done has changed things, the emphasis here, should be on you. Not her.

Therapy DOES work, but only if both parties, or all parties (mother, father, siblings) participate. If therapy didn't work because she did not wish to participate, and she was unwilling to change, that is not an excuse for you to give up on getting professional advice, in order how to change how you, deal with her.

And, as Martin said, advice is offered from anyone, with or without kids, with or without living or having lived through the situation you are in here. We have some people in this community who are teens themselves, and offer very valuable insight from that perspective.

And, as it so happens, I went through hell with one of my own. Followed what turned out to be very bad advice from friends, and locked horns with no resolve even with the smallest, seemingly inconsequential things. Arguments were equal decibells regardless of whether it was a pair of socks on the floor, or her coming in six hours past curfew.

And that is where the line was eventually drawn. I knew that I was not effective in either coping with, or changing myself, in order to learn how to expect changes from her. The role of parent and teenager changed to two warring factions, instead of a parent and child.

Please persist with going to a counsellor on your own. Even if specifically for the sole purpose in addressing your anger, frustration, and to talk about what doesn't work, and what to do to change your thinking in order to have the skills you need to be more effective in parenting your daughter.

There are no rulebooks unfortunately, and obviously what has been tried, has not worked. I was in the same position as you are in now. The only way things will improve, is you finding and learning ways to change yourself, in order to help her change her behaviour.

[dontknownuthin]

You need a therapist. If you weren't happy with the results of one, get a new one. Also know that you may not like what the therapist has to say, but they know what they are takling about. They may find fault with your parenting and take it as a gift - you need change, so you need to be willing to change.

Ask to meet as well with your chlid's school counselor, coach, advisor and others who might be able to help you to turn her behavior around.

I would also have her tested for drugs. Her behavior suggests it could be a very real possibility and believe me, you'd be the last to know.

I'd also be snooping big time in the texts and Facebook, etc. You'll find out a lot and my feeling is that my son gets privacy when he earns it - if his life is going in the toilet, it's my responsibility to snoop and find out what's going on with him.