[feeblechicken]

We were dating for 2 months. One day we were having a casual conversation over IM which led to a conversation about expectations. He broke up with me over IM over what he thinks are different expections of the relationship and thinking that I am not over my ex because of a scar I inflicted on myself.

He wants babies later in life, I told him that I was 70% OK with not having babies because I am 32 and was comng to terms with not finding the right person to have them with. Thinking back, he may have misunderstood it to be 70% sure I don't want to have babies. He is 24 and wants babies later but I would be in my late 30s by then.

I told him so but he insists he likes older women. I might have done a dumb thing and said that maybe he should find someone younger. As for him asking about my scar, I did over-react a little to the way he asked me about it "Are you prone to depression?" . I thought it was so blunt and derogatory, that I might have overreacted in my offence to it. I said that it is normal to be depressed over failing relationships. I think he was a little scared off by my reaction and thought that I was still heartached about my ex. He says he's not matured enough to deal with it and since we had "different expectations" we should call it quits.

I so didn't mean that I was not over my ex. Its been a week since the breakup, should I clarify that or keep the no-contact rule? I feel calmer and I don't necessarily want him back because of the way he so easily broke up with me over IM. I feel a little duped for thinking that he really cares and likes me (he was so loving to me and cooked for me). I was really heartached for a few days after that conversation, perhaps more so than when I initiated my break up with my ex of 2 years which I thought was weird. My thing though is I hate being misunderstood.

[adthern]

If you don't want him back, then why risk further misunderstandings with more contact? I would learn from it and move on. It sounds like \, even though you were upset at first you realize that it wasn't the right relationship for you (that was the sense I got, but could be wrong). As for hating to be misunderstood--Its part of life, move forward and put it behind you.

[feeblechicken]

You are prob right. I guess I still kind of want him to pursue me again. I do have doubts about the relationship the age difference and all but I was going to date him more to see if we could resolve those. Didn't expect him to cut it off so suddenly.

[talaniman]

He says he's not matured enough to deal with it

I have no doubt this is the case, so keep the NO CONTACT rule in force.

[answerme_tender]

I have to agree with sticking to NO CONTACT. I think him breaking up over IM is really a immature thing to do. Why would you even what him back after that!! Take care

[feeblechicken]

I am most probably going to be prideful and stick to the no-contact rule. I guess this is wishful thinking but what if he contacts me? The only way I would consider taking him back if he is actually able to be sorry enough about his rashness and the way he brokeup with me (which is why I thought clarifying would help).

[talaniman]

Don't answer. He dumped you because he didn't understand you, and he didn't try to.

[feeblechicken]

I am getting weak again and almost break the no contact rule when I read a link on his status message about a news article. After a week of break up he's been coming back online on gmail chat. Not sure where he was before or if was he blocking me. Another week has passed because I've been seeing him online I keep getting distracted. I've tried to put him on my block list but I get curious and end up putting him back on. Sigh. I'm 32 but I am not very social and I haven't had a lot of experience dating. I have only really been in 3 relationships prior to him, all of which were dating leading to relationships (shortest 3 months to longest 2 years). I've never dated casually I tend to be serious in all of them. I keep thinking about having a casual conversation with him and asking him out to clear his misunderstandings of me. I can't stop thinking about him. You may ignore me, I just feel like ranting. I will try to last another week of NC, hopefully I will stop thinking of him by then.

[answerme_tender]

Its time to start to other things to get out, take some classes, or get into a book club, or even join a gym, whatever it takes to get out and meet new people.

You need to stop thinking about this guy, he has already moved. You are sitting around dwelling on him and making more out of this situation then what it was. What about joining a dating site? Just a thought.

[feeblechicken]

I do go out and have joined some interest groups. Its when I am at home working in front of my computer that I get distracted by him. I am on a dating site a free one. Though the "market" of men" on it is a bit sad in Singapore.

[talaniman]

Block him from your social network, an keep him blocked, or your curiosity will keep you distracted, and stir up old feelings every time.

Stop doing that to yourself.

[I wish]

Check out the no contact related threads in my signature.

Don't fall back into the black hole. It's not easy to get out and it's not easy to stay out. But the longer you're out of the hole, the more you'll realize that life is much better outisde of a black hole.

As for wanting to clear things up with him, there's really no point anymore. As painful as it might feel, clarifying things won't change the circumstances. You won't be getting back to together anyway. It takes time to accept your situation, but with time, it will get easier. The best thing you can do is go out there and meet new people. Keep yourself distracted.

[feeblechicken]

Finally Resolved pt1:
While I respect all your advice on no contact. I am such a person that I extremely hate being misunderstood. I didn't think I would change anything by emailing him seeing how circumstances were that he broke up with me the way he did. I did write a draft email without sending it out. I wrote what I thought he misunderstood and was extremely clear that it was to rectify misunderstanding against me that I wasn't seeking to change anything especially after the way he broke up with me. The email sat in my draft folder for length of two weeks after we broke up. It was probably why when I saw him online I felt the need to talk to him. I felt I needed to resolve something. I decided to write a list of all the motivations behind the email and the possible outcomes and how I would react. The main thing in that list was that I would stay very rational that if I had misunderstood him in any way or that he can justify why he broke up the way he did, I could be partial. But he can't explain it reasonably or if I wasn't convinced I would not let it go further. So after a lot of mulling over of that email draft I sent it out.

[feeblechicken]

Finally Resolved pt2: Communicating again
Within 10 minutes of sending the email, he IMed me. He thanked me for sending it and wrote about why he reacted and asked that question about my scar "if you were prone to depression?". He said that he had seen it reported so often with teenagers. He was upset with the way I reacted to his question because he felt that I was disregarding his concern. He later explained that due to family problems in his late teen years, he tends to reject people he thinks would hurt him. I was quite unconvinced at his explanation because what I did was merely reacted strongly to his question which one, was either not well put because it didn't show his "concern" and two, how can he seriously think that I could think he was concern with the way he put the question? I had pointed it out to him in that conversation itself, and he just shut down. He was still talking over IM and I stopped him and say I've never had guys not call me on the phone, for some reason he does more texting and IM. So he called me and we talked. I questioned him what he meant by concern, he began explaining that he has anxiety issues because of the way his family treated him in his late teens. He was worried that I would someone who is emotionally unstable and that would be an issue to him. He admitted that it sounded selfish but because of his anxiety, he cuts off people he thinks are going to hurt him. I conceded that I had indeed misunderstood his intention about calling me crazy. But for some reason it didn't stuck me up front that he's so called concern was more on the success of the relationship than it was for me. I told him if we were to continue, I needed to see more from him that he would have to do more. I think we ended the conversation at that. I came out of it thinking it seem he might be interested but was worried about it working. I reflected over and thought why wasn't I convinced with what he said? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt?

[talaniman]

Why don't you give him the benefit of time, and see if he wants to come back??

[feeblechicken]

Finally Resolved pt3: Clarity and The End.
Sorry for some bad typos (mostly structural) in the pt 2.
So the next day he called me and asked if I was free to meet him to talk over. He said he wanted to get to know me better and if not we could still be friends (I had said previously on IM that that option was possible). After some scheduling issues, I met him last night. I had initially like a 1% hope that things may work out if he could explain himself properly. Mostly though, going through my IM history, I saw that he was trying to justify his actions but there were contradictions about his idea of "concern", also that his past might be the reason for his behaviour but it doesn't mean that its acceptable. I also told myself however that if he doesn't give a good explanation and wasn't willing to change his ways about his issues I wouldn't continue. I met him and we started with some casual talk to break the ice. We hadn't met each other in a while. I finally brought up that I still have difficulty understanding why he broke up with me over IM and so quickly. He admitted that the medium was wrong and to him it was the way that he always had been if he thinks that he may get hurt he would cut if off there and then. I asked him if he did that in his past relationships and he said not quite over I'm and he didn't do it so quickly with long relationships. He felt that he didn't know me long enough. I got a bit irritated and pointed out to him why I couldn't feel his concern because its something you show not say that you are concern. He became more and more defensive of his actions and started bring up my scar again saying that if I had said it was a mistake he wouldn't have felt the way he did and cut it off. I felt frustrated because that is precisely why I sent that email explaining my stressful conditions. He was bringing it up again which just goes to show when he said he wasn't judging that he REALLY was judging. He was unsympathetic much less empathetic about it. Reflecting back he was using it as a justification for his action. I got to the point that I knew I couldn't get through to him that there was no use talking anymore we just have different pov. So I told him I needed to go and he brought up again the idea of stayinng friends. He says he's needs friends here. He's a foreigner. I didn't answer and just thought that he's just thinking of himself again.

After parting ways, I felt frustration but at the same time clarity. I don't regret sending that email, I just kind of wished he didn't respond to it. Then again, if he hadn't responded to it, I wouldn't have seen how selfish he was. All this while he was really just thinking of himself. Perhaps I have had thegood fortune to date people who aren't selfish, there was one time that I did and that guy admittedly said that he was a selfish person. I couldn't see selfishness for what it is. I was glad though I could see how much of a self-centred jerk he was through this exchange. I was a little naïve for even that small percentage of hoping but I learn a lot through this. That there are people like him who communicated this way because they are really only thinking for themselves. He can't understand that I cut myself out of the stress that because I cared about the other person, I didn't want to hurt him. He felt that I should have just broke off and moved out. I definitely deserve way better.

If you've read this far, thanks. To an extend you are right about no contact, but I wouldn't have had the clarity I did if I didn't send out that email. Eventually it became a mutual breakup because I needed to see his selfishness clearly. I do feel a bit sad and lonely today which is why I needed to write this for a sort of therapy. I definitely though do not feel the heartbreak I felt 2 weeks ago. I still want to thank you strangers out there because your advice was by far more matured than other sites I have found. You meant well and I felt less alone. It helps that I tried to separate out my heart from my head and let my rationality be the judge of things. I think NC would be great if you can get all the facts you need and if you can maintain a rational mind about gathering it, the 2 week break definitely helped too. From here on its NC, and move on to look for a caring, mature person who loves me for who I am. :)

[adthern]

Good luck