[KingNeal07]

Hello I have a situation,my ex girlfriend has recently reunited with her ex boyfriend that is currently serving in the army,however when we talk on the phone she always brings him up in the conversation and it's really irritating to me,I admit I am jealous of the two of them just because they are back together and I am in the friend zone,to make a long story short I'm still in love with her what should I do?

[Jake2008]

When your ex girlfriend contacts you, and the conversation starts to make you uncomfortable, it is up to you to change the subject. It doesn't matter what the subject is that makes you uncomfortable, she could be talking about her brutal menstral period, which would also make you cringe.

By telling her you just don't want to talk about her new boyfriend, simple and straight up, without excuses, she should understand and respect that. You don't need to explain why, or compromise, or be told that how you feel is silly, you just need to know that you can tell her, that topic is off limits.

It has to be extremely difficult to listen to her go on about her new boyfriend, while you still have very strong feelings for her. But those feelings shouldn't dictate being passively available for her to share stories of her new boyfriend. Set that boundary, the new boyfriend is not a topic you want to talk about.

Also probably part of what keeps you being submissive in this way with her, has to do with the fact that you are not really over her. Maybe you hang onto a friendship hoping for more, I don't know. Maybe you think that by being a good friend, you're keeping a lifeline open to her, should the new guy not work out, and there is a chance she will come back to you.

Breaking up is quite different than breaking up while keeping the friendship part of the relationship going. While she seems to have no problem doing both, it is a problem for you in my opinion.

Sometimes friendships work out afterwards, sometimes they don't.

Maybe it is time to end the friendship. Cut the ties that hold onto the dream, and put the past where it belongs, all of it. By keeping yourself in this place, you are not able to see the world, or live your life, without her in it. That is part of the healing process; recognize that it is over, and a friendship is just not working for you.

Distance from her, will make you stronger. When she is no longer on your mind, on your phone, and communicating regularly (I assume she is), you will not be so involved emotionally with her, and it will be much, much easier to heal, and move on with your life.

But it is up to you. If you choose for now to remain friends with her, set some boundaries and stick to them. If you choose at some point to end the relationship entirely, realize that what you had is over, and hanging on isn't likely to result in a new relationship with her.

Time for changes.

[KingNeal07]

But what if she gets all frustrated with the fact that I don't want to hear about it and she wants to talk about him?

[Jake2008]

Friendships have to have boundaries. If a consequence to you telling her you do not wish to hear or discuss her new boyfriend makes her frustrated, that's too bad! She can talk to a girlfriend, her mother, she can talk about him till the cows come home, with OTHER people, not you.

Surely if she's a friend, the two of you have other things to talk about and do, other than include this third person. Some topics are just off limits, for either party in a friendship. It is not a free for all. I have a friend who remarried a man that I do not like. I happen to think of her ex as a friend of both my husband and I, and I had to tell her that I don't want to hear about the problems she has between her ex (my friend) and her new husband.

That's the way it goes. Being a friend does not mean putting your needs behind anybody elses' needs, or accepting, 100% of the time, anything they wish to say, or do. If you wish to both maintain a friendship, and stand up and define your comfort level on the topic of her new boyfriend, you'll have to tell her, and accept that she will likely not be happy about it. So be it.

If she wants ot maintain a friendship with you, she will respect boundaries, and honour them with some understanding.

[answerme_tender]

What is the point of you staying friends? She has moved on with her life and is with another man. You are not a girlfriend, you're an ex-boyfriend!! If she needs someone to talk to about her new relationship I agree with Jake have her talk to one of her girlfriends.

Tell her that you wish her best, and want everything to work out, but since you are actually broke up, that being friends you meant more like an friendly acquaintance situation!! Were both of you could talk or email every once in awhile and caught up, but you never meant to be considered it to be more then that!

This way she still knows that you want to be friendly if ever see each other, but you are not one of her girlfriends, that you have moved on with your life too. If you cannot tell her over phone ==email her.

take care

[KingNeal07]

I respect that she has a boyfriend... and being that she and I are friends and I am there for her, is there any steps that I can take to get her to reconsider me?

[talaniman]

No!! You need a life without her because she has one without you.