[dimension879]

The story goes as this...
We work together and have done for the past 3 years, we hit it off almost straight away and became close friends.
I always liked her as there was a lot of chemistry between us, as I was already in a relationship I didn't act on it, neither did she.
After I broke up with my fiancé I was in abit of a mess and quickly came involved with someone else for a short while more of a fling really after that fizzled out we finally got closer at our xmas party.
The morning was pretty strange as I thought it might change our friendship, it didn't and we agreed to just have some fun together.
Things were good with that arrangement and we agreed that if we did meet anyone else then we would be honest with one another.
After 6 months of the occasional bit of fun I did meet an old flame out one time and we started seeing each other, I had to be honest and was with her and called off the what we have, because she is so closed off by everything and everyone around I didn't think she liked me more than what we had. I know this makes me sound like a pig but I am really not, I had no idea.
This other girl I had a whirlwind relationship and we even got engaged (stupid stupid stupid) after about 4 months I realised that it was all wrong and finished it.
During these 4 months my ex g/f made work life hell. Which is understandable.
I did feel guilty for being so selfish and not giving a crap about her feelings, I still feel guilty now to this day.
After I did split with this other girl we did start talking again and rebuilt our friendship to the point where we could enjoy each other company again.
We all went out on a night out and we slept together again, it wasn't planned as I didn't want to start it up again because I didn't want to ruin what we had.
So we started seeing each other abit more not just on nights out, which was nice.
As I had been in a few train wreck relationships I did keep her at arms length so I could sort out my demons.
As time went on my feelings for her grew and in may of last year 2010 we made things official, we talked about what had happened and why it took me so long to say I wanted more then just sex.
The truth is I always did but part of me was scared because I had never had a girlfriend that was also my best friend that I could be so comfortable with a woman.
She has always been insecure and has a complex about my feelings for her like she is not good enough that I really hated, to which I reassured her that she was just being silly.
So we get together and things are great, we spent many nights a week together and always had a good time.
We are not the most lovey dovey people but I always let her know that she did mean a lot, and our sex life just got better.
So here is where the trouble starts...
So everything is going really well.. and we spend xmas together with her family, I am the first boyfriend she has ever introduced to them we are not teenagers I'm in my late 20's and she is in her early 30's.
So xmas comes and goes and then when I go home on boxing day to see my family later that evening I send her a text saying I know I don't tell you enough but you make me very happy and that I love her lots... this is the first time I had sent her a text saying that.
We have said it to each other but not on text, I thought this was a nice thing to do as it was xmas after all.
So I was buzzing about everything, she then fell poorly and I tried to organise to go see her to cheer her up but she didn't want me too, this upset me because she always wanted me to go see her when she was poorly.
I didn't know how bad she was and I tried to organise new years with her, and she didn't tell me once that she didn't want to go so in the mean time I was trying to sort something out, and was sending her a few texts a day to see how she was doing, she then got angry with me for no reason all I did was see how she was with a few texts throughout the day to see if she was any better.
Which normal boyfriend wouldn't do that is what I thought?
She had never acted like this with me before so it left me for the first in our whole time confused and a little insecure.
She basically was off with me from boxing day to this day.
On new years eve I woke up in a good mood as I thought I was going to see her, so I tried to call her in the morning... she didn't pick up.
So I left it for a few hours and tried to call again... as I had to get a train to where she lives I was on a time limit so tried calling again, as I didn't know she was out or anything.. I got no reply.
So I sent her a text saying would she like me to come round and spend NYE with her... to I got the reply 'No thank you,have a nice night'.
As you can imagine I was angry and tried to call to ask what was going on but she had switched her phone off... so I kept trying to call and in the end I sent her a text saying that I knew where I stood about the night and that she could have handled things differently.
To which she text back in record time saying that she was feeling that poorly and she knew she was being a ***** and apologised for acting that way.
I didn't text back as I was angry as all my plans revolved around her.
She then sent another text saying sorry for being a *****.
I just replied she went on like she didn't want to be with me anymore, she just said I was being silly.
That's how it was left on NYE and I didn't see her that night.
I didn't speak to her new years day as I thought I would give her space after what happened.
The next day I called her and said that I was sorry for what happened and why I questioned us, so everything was good again... or so I thought.
The texts that were supposed to be OTT were me just being nice to her and saying I was lucky to have her in my life, and if she was getting any better.
So the first time I see her since boxing day was at work on the 04.01.
I was excited to see her and went to say hello, and as soon as I saw her I knew something was up... I acted normal even though I was feeling pretty crappy with flu.
I didn't think any of it at first until lunch when she was really off with me.
Then I sent her an e-mail like I normally would but she was cold towards me.
So I just said that I think we should meet out of work and talk about what happened so we can get back on track.
I had the next couple of days off work and it was like as soon as we were out of work she was txting etc...
I text her and said can you come round to me after work so we could talk and she agreed but then ended up calling me from work where we had a serious conversation about our relationship.
She said she didn't realise there was a problem until she got back to work.
She said she was confused to why all of a sudden she was asking questions that had never crossed her mind before and wasn't sure if she had talked herself into feeling how she was.
I know there is no one else involved as she really isn't that sort of woman, plus I saw her way too much before xmas for that to be an issue.
Her last boyfriend was 7 years ago and he left her for one of her friends to which she just didn't go out for over 2 years.
So I know why she has a complex about the whole relationship issue, but what I did was it really that bad?
She couldn't tell me why she was confused, then she started thinking about if she confused things thinking she pushed me into the relationship and the past and everything about us and how she loved me or there was a future for us, as at the moment she could not see one because of her head.
So I am left even more confused as she was so indesisive about being sure she wanted to end the relationship, but thought now it would be the best thing to do as she didn't want to carry on being unsure.
Can a woman be that confused about how she feels?
I said to her that I will not be contacting her and if when she wants to talk then she has to come to me as I have done everything I can.
She said that before xmas it was the happiest she had ever been and we spent so much time together, she has 2 jobs which leaves her pretty tired as she has a horse which takes up most of her week, which I accepted from the start as it is one of the things that makes her happy, so out of work she doesn't do a great deal socially as she doesn't really like the pub/club scene and hasn't got a lot of close friends so she does spend a lot of time on her own.
I haven't missed treated her, just been there for her whenever she needed me whether it be stress at work or anything else.
I think that because she hasn't been with someone for so long she might be scared of getting hurt and pushing me away or she is just confused about the whole thing.
It has been about a week since she thought about things properly and work colleagues have said she still doesn't know and if she realises she has made a mistake she would come back on her hands and knees.
I am looking for a new job at the moment and will leave if I get the chance.
What is you opinion on this?just need some help!

[talaniman]

Let me start by saying that most breaks/break ups start with confusion. First one partner then the other. You reacted like all us fellows do, trying to get the facts, and fix them.

That's just what we do, but females have no facts (sorry ladies), just feelings. They cannot be fixed. Sometimes they cannot be explained. But as a guy with a confused female, all you can do is kiss 'em on the cheek, and back up to a safe distance, and see things with an unconfused mind, and not take it personally, because this is truly about her, and NOT you.

The whole routine of th friendship has changed, and its you who have to adjust, since you work together, that makes it hard, by giving her the space, and time to work through her issues, and is unconfused. The important thing for you is to not be confused as she is, and not act on your own wants and needs for her to be a part of your life, so you can be doing your own thing without her.

Why is this so crucial? So she can make up her own mind as to what she wants, without your influence. That simple, but so hard for many of us to grasp. Now does that mean she will choose to want to have a romantic relationship with you again? NO, it does not, as bad as you may want her too. That's something she has to decide.

Basically leaving her alone to sort her feelings out is what's needed, and the only way that happens my friend, is for you to honor her need for space, and resist any impulse to show her you are there for her, resist any impulse to fix things between you, or try in any way to influence her to come back.

If she wants things to get back the way it was, she will surely let you know, but any effort on your part, not only adds to her confusion, and makes things worse, NOT better, but will make you as confused as she is NOW!

I know it ain't easy to let this go, you like things with her, and the way it was. I understand that only to well, so do your thing with good clean adult fun, and for now, let her do hers.

I know you have questions, I can see th wheels turning.

[dimension879]

Thank you, I have blamed myself thinking I have done something wrong, it's a weird one that she wanted this for so long and forgave me for the past and I thought we moved past that.
I have deleted her number so I am not tempted to txt/call and did say to her when she is ready to talk as I won't contact her and not to be too stubborn about it all as it could be something good we could be losing, as all it will take is for her to say sorry and everything will be forgiven.
The thing is she hasn't got a lot of close friends and doesn't do much socially as it is not her thing so.
We always did that stuff together, so she spends a lot of time on her own.
I know it is not a quick fix and will take time, if it doesn't work out then I will deal with it.
I know in my past relationships that I have always been 100% sure its not going to work out, it's the fact that she really wasn't which is getting to me.

[talaniman]

Also observe how you try to rationalize her actions by putting facts together.

it's a weird one that she wanted this for so long and forgave me for the past and I thought we moved past that.

I have deleted her number so I am not tempted to txt/call and did say to her when she is ready to talk as I won't contact her and not to be too stubborn about it all as it could be something good we could be losing, as all it will take is for her to say sorry and everything will be forgiven.

The thing is she hasn't got a lot of close friends and doesn't do much socially as it is not her thing so. We always did that stuff together, so she spends a lot of time on her own.

Facts and logic on your part, typical of the way guys think, but then I deleted those parts that are about how you see things and this is what's left.

Thank you, I have blamed myself thinking I have done something wrong, I have deleted her number so I am not tempted to txt/call I know in my past relationships that I have always been 100% sure its not going to work out, its the fact that she really wasn't which is getting to me.

I have deleted her number so I am not tempted to txt/call I know in my past relationships that I have always been 100% sure its not going to work out,

As you see once the facts (as YOU see them), logic (again as you see them), and assumptions (yours) are gone, it boils down to the last bit of confusion, you not knowing what she is thinking. And that's why you leave her alone because its very easy to be thrown off, and be confused by one small fact you don't have, and cannot get, her feelings. You can't fix her feelings so you are left with doing nothing but the things that don't confuse you... your own thing.

[liongal]

A Female point of view:

I can't help but pick up how 'cold and detached' you sound given you are meant to really care about this girl! 'Well I have tried, and let her know she can contact me when and if she wants to, I have delete her number so there' :-(

Have you ever wondered if your g/f is testing your genuine feelings for her. Think about it, all was really well until you left her on Boxind day and sent her the text declaring your feelings towards her, she then becomes myseriously off with you one min and the next sends apology text. YOUR G/F IS PROBABY SCARED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT SHE REALLY HAS FALLEN IN because she is too afraid that you will leave her again and break her poor heart. I think she is looking for your reasurrance that your Love is for real...

[jeje409]

Sounds to me like she have other or is bored with you... I know when I get those feelings its because something in relationship not going right and I want a way out...

Make nice romantic dinner with her before you have to leave and talk to her... figure out what's wrong with her... it could be something simple like her wanting you to take her out more or something.and you can't say that she's not a cheater she not like that... you really don't know anyone anymore... if I were you I would take that job and start over anew!

Oh yeah... having a girlfriend isn't everything you know... maybe this is a "wake up" call for you to concentrate on yourself and your career... after than everything will fall into place

[jeje409]

If the relationship DIDN'T work the 1st time... it's not going to work the 2nd time either... u need to get over her... go find a hobby to do