[klarik]

I've been remarried for 3 years now. When I got married I left my oldest daughter in California with my mom because she was going to collage. My youngest and I moved to Arizona with my new husband. My daughter was sick of living with my mom and my husband and I decided that I should move back and get her to live with me. Then my husband would move with us when his daughter moved out.

My oldest daughter is 23 (she still lives with us because she doesn't have a legal status here in US so she can't have a job and take care of her self) she is a little out of control and sometimes she just flip out.

My husband is working from home. We decided that I would look for an apartment big enough for all of us. I spent 3 months on that and finally find something everybody likes and it has a great room for my husband for office. We are supposed to move in 3 weeks.

Last week my husband was visiting and he took all of us to lunch and had a talk to my kids. He said he needed peace to work, fair enough and I totally understand. He was talking to my oldest. She said she wasn't going to lie and promise that he always will get peace and quite because it is a family and we fight sometimes and at the same time she understands he needs a decent working environment.

Now my husband doesn't want to move, he says my daughter said she is not promising that she is going to try to keep her "flip outs" under control.

We are going to be homeless in 3 weeks because my apartment is rented out and we have to be out in 3 weeks.

We already paid the security deposit for the new place.

I told my husband I'll keep my daughter under control and schedule her to see a therapist for her anger issue.

He is says he doesn't think I'll be able and he still says he doesn't want to move.

What should I tell him to make him believe me? I already talked to my daughter and she said she is going to try and be more "adult" and keep her anger under control.

[smoothy]

I'm not sure there is anything you can tell him... he knows her well enough already to know what she's like. First time she reverts back to her old tricks (and she is going to, sooner than later, a leopard can't change its spots)... the old "I'm an adult and can do what ever I want" comes out... (tell me she's never done that one yet?) and I'm sure he's been really patient up to now... but clearly, doesn't want to put up with her drama.

People don't change overnight... and she won't either.

Tough situation, I know... but if she's going to be the way she is... she has to learn to support herself. Maybe a dose of reality might make her grow up. I've heard too many like her... and I am basing that on how you said she answered. The apartment would be yours and your husbands primarily... but she appears to act like its hers based on that answer. From that alone I think I understand what your husband is thinking right now... and that would be... "I'm not putting up with this in my own place."

I think at 23 the time to deal with her behaviour issues should have been a long time ago. And not now that its become an issue for others.

Its really a, too little, too late gesture.

I wish there was an easy answer to this... but you already knew there wasn't going to be one. She's 23... time to grow up and act the part or move out. Its not like she is still a child. She should have put that behaviour behind her 5 years ago when she legally became an adult.

[smoothy]

I want to add... its not uncommon for parents to lay down some very strict house rules for adult children who for any reason stay in THEIR house. Many times more strict than when they were minors.

It comes down to this... My house... My Rules. THey aren't open to ANY negotiation or argument... period.

And "She said she wasn't gonna lie and promise that he always will get peace and quite because it is a family and we fight sometimes " Is as close as you can get to thumbing her nose at it as you can get without responding with a vulgarity. The only acceptable answer would have been... "Yes..of course".

I didn't overlook the "She's an illegal" comment... I chose to not answer it because #1 you really won't like my stand on that and #2 it really plays no factor in how I see this situation anyway.

And how I see it is... its the parents place... they set ALL the rules... the adult child either completely complies without argument or complaint, or they are free to move out and get their own place.

[dontknownuthin]

Talk to your daughter and tell her that her invitation to live with you is dependent on permitting your husband the peace he requires to work, and any and all family disputes must be managed in a normal tone of voice. If she cannot commit to that up front, she may not live there. Then move.

At 23 she is an adult and needs to finally learn that if she's giong to live with other people, whether her parnets or roomates, she has to tolerate and abide their conditions unless shes' the one paying the rent.

At the same time, your husband should set specific hours when he expects quiet. He should also consider that other people do make noise and there are ways to maintain peace that don't require cooperation from other people such as using headphones. In my office building, several therapists have white noise machines that they sit outside their offices and which make it impossible to hear their conversations, and impossible for them to hear conversations outside of the office. It might be worth looking into.

[Jake2008]

What you are doing is essentially being forced to choose between your husband, and your daughter.

In addition to the advice already given here, I would tell her that she needs to make an appointment herself, with a therapist, to address the issues that are making everyone's lives miserable. If she cannot even do that much, she is not showing any hope of changing her behaviour. She has to take that step.

I don't get the impression that your husband would end your marriage together, if there are changes. But, I understand him not wanting to keep seeing history repeat itself either.

And this is not just a problem between your husband and your daughter. While you have been maintaining the roll of referee, by keeping the peace, you are not solving the problems in your household, which are caused by your daughter.

You aren't doing her any favours either, by coming to her aid, and continuously putting bandaids on a problem, that she should be, as an adult, able to take care of herself.

I would tell your daughter what the new rules are going to be, starting with therapy. Also what your expectations are, i.e. a job, household responsibilities, and a longer term plan, say six months, that you expect her to be able to support herself, on her own.

She should be easily able to afford a room in a home, or shared accommodation, and working on improving her own life, under her own steam. Maybe if she is given a little push in the right direction, she will discover that she is quite capable of being responsible to herself.