[purelife1980]

I have a 18 year-old step daughter. She moved in with me and my husband in July because she had a disagreement with her mom. My SD told my husband that she didn't want to enroll a regular public school, instead, she enrolled an online school. I told my husband many times that the online school was not going to work out, because she was not showing any signs of responsible behavior. I had a lot of conversations with him, but he still helped her daughter enroll on this online school. When she started school last August, she began doing very poorly; she would only do two hours of school work a day, and would leave the house and go to her boyfriend's house.
A month ago she dropped out school, and said that she was going to work on her GED, a week ago, my husband decided to take all her keys, her car, and her new computer, because of her irresponsible behavior, and because she would spend a lot of nights at her boy friend's house.
However, I am afraid my husband is going to change his mind about giving this girl back all her privileges, since this girl is very good a manipulating my husband.
This situation had hurt our marriage, I feel like I cannot witness any more about of this. (sorry about any grammar mistakes, English is not my first language)
Thank you!

[jenniepepsi]

Some may agree or not agree with me here. But here is an opinion from me, a young woman with no adult children, and have lived with my parents.

First, you don't ground or punish an adult child. You treat them like an adult or they will not become an adult.

That said, she is living in YOUR home (both you and your hsubands home) and she needs to respect your home.

She is 18 years old, if she owns her car out right, no one, not even her father can legally take the keys away unless it is HIS car.

At 18 years old, you can't stipulate who and when she hangs out with. You CAN stipulate that if she wants to stay the night, she needs to let you or her father know. But you can't STOP her from it.

Bottom line, talk to your husband, and either she finds a new place to live, or she needs to step up and be an adult.

But you can't really treat a young adult like a child, and then be surprised when they act like a child.



On a side note, if she would do it CORRECTLY, there is nothing wrong with online schooling.

[Jake2008]

I agree with a lot of what Jennie has said, and wish to add a little bit.

When she moved in with you and your husband going on six months ago, what was established as far as curfew, chores, responsibilities. Were there ever any consequences discussed should she decide to do her own thing, not contribute, and do as she liked, when she liked. If nothing was decided upon before she moved in, or shortly afterward, then you are already starting behind the eight ball, and working backwards.

To remove all her keys as you said, I presume also includes the keys to the house? If the car is yours, that use has been removed, as well as her computer. Have you then, if you have denied her access to the house, arranged for her to get her belongings?

She likely had more than a simple 'disagreement' with her mother which caused her to move in with you and her dad. Have you talked to her mother, or has your husband?

If your husband is used to giving in to her as you've said, it is more likely than not he will allow her back in the house. Before he does that, sit down with him and see if the two of you cannot come up with a set of houserules. Tell her when she is expected to be home, what duties she will do (her own laundry, dishes, cutting the grass etc.), and that you expect her to have a part time job within a certain amount of time. When that happens she can pay a percentage of her income to you to help cover the cost of feeding her and keeping a roof over her head. If she wants to drive the family car she'll have to pay for her own insurance, and gas.

All of these expectations are not unreasonable toward an adult. She may choose to live as a 16 year old, and that's her choice, but it comes with consequences.

And I also agree that you are doing her no favours by allowing bad behaviour to continue. You are however, doing her a huge lesson in teaching her responsibility, should you put reasonable expectations and consequences in place. She also has a choice whether to follow the rules, or find another place to stay.

Unless you want this pattern of behaviour to continue for the next five or more years, it is time to set some ground rules, stick to them, and make sure she knows exactly what is expected of her, when (and if) she moves back in with you and your husband.