[adviceishere]

Before I met my boyfriend I had a little fling with a guy I'm friends with now, things went a little wrong after we met up a couple of times but we never actually finished what we started, kind of unfinished business, we always stayed in touch by phone even until this day, he's got a girlfriend now and I'm with my boyfriend, but I still have a huge crush on him! I thought after a whole year of not seeing him these feelings would pass, but I even dream about him at night, I feel so guilty on my boyfriend, I would never be unfaithful and if I did in in the heat of the moment I would never forgive myself, I know if I ever seen this guy again I probably would not trust myself to be faithful to my boyfriend so I don't dare meet up with him even though he's asked me too go for a catch up drink on a few occasions, I'm not sure how he feels but he's a really busy guy who always gets in touch with me which makes me feel kind of special to him, what's wrong with me? Is it love or a crush and why do I feel like I haven't the strength to be faithful to my boyfriend, I love my boyfriend but when I think of this other guy I can't stop myself fantiszing. I feel so guilty I just want these feelings to stop and to be completely into my boyfriend.

[Jake2008]

It's like trying to lose a few pounds, and you open up the fridge and there in front of you is a big chocolate cake. You know you shouldn't have it, but you're tempted, even to have just a tiny slice.

But you know that slice is dangerous. One little slice will lead to another little slice, and before you know it, you've eaten the whole thing, and go looking for another one.

You can control your craving by eliminating that which you find so tempting, and hard to resist. As long as you keep that cake in the fridge, you will be constantly fighting with yourself not to indulge.

The crush is no different. You know it's a bad idea, considering how irrisistable he is, to pursue even a few crumbs.

But, you CAN control yourrself, and make responsible decisions. Because he is so tempting, and you are so caught up in the idea and fantasy of him, it is time for you to do a self-reality check.

Recognize it for what it is, and what the dangers are of not dealing with this. The longer you wait to take charge and put a stop to the behaviour, the harder it is to resist.

No more contact. You know very well that any contact, will result in more than a few crumbs if he reciprocates. And, if you want to ease your conscience, and stop the way you are thinking, you can.

I would write yourself a letter, and list, literally, the pros and cons of keeping these thoughts of the crush going. Then write a list, literally, of why the best thing to do is to let this dream man go. It sounds childish perhaps, but worth the effort.

All of us at one time or the other have been more than challenged by the allure of a nice big slice of cake.

Good luck.

[adviceishere]

Wow that is really great advice thank you so much! I'm going to stop all contact, it will be hard because he has been a good friend and I would not like to make an enemy of him. But deep down I knew this is what id have to do eventually.
Thank you

[Homegirl 50]

This guy has a girl friend, so no contact is what he needs as well.
Leave him alone.

[Jake2008]

Homegirl has a good point there- he has a girlfriend. It is never an honourable thing to pursue another woman's man.

And, I think that what you really needed here was confirmation of what you already knew you had to do. Sometimes hearing this from a stranger, makes all the difference. Good for you for turning your thinking around.

Just wanted to add that it really does help to let him go, not only in a physical sense, with not contacting him etc. but in a psychological sense, in that you end it, by writing the final chapter.

What has worked for me when I've had to let go of situations and people, is to write it out. Even if you write the letter to him. Be brutally honest, and get all the feelings out you have for him, tell him about the dreams, all of it. Then start the conclusion to your letter. Tell him all the reasons you have to change your thinking about him, and to let him go completely. That could include many reasons, such as the importance of your husband, your family, your life. End the letter with a simple goodbye. Then take the letter, put it in a tin can, and burn it.

Then it will be over. Good luck to you.

[adviceishere]

I'm going to do just that.. thank you :)