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PassionforPam · Jan 7, 2011, 08:26 AM

My husband is wonderful in so many ways... but in the bedroom, it is just plain depressing. I have tried everything. I initiate the love making. I will kiss his back, neck, give a message, and most every time I "help" him by giving him a BJ. I have tried to tell him what I like.. I want to be held, touched, kissed, sweet love words spoken... but nothing. Oral sex and foreplay.. well it is horrible too. He is so rough... I feel like I have been to a really bad OBGYN appointment... and then the actual act may last only a couple minutes. Then it's over. I have bought a few toys, but then he gets mad and says that I don't think he is enough... and is constantly asking me if I want his penis to be bigger... I say no... I love the way you are... but I am getting so tired of "faking" it and building his ego. I need to feel loved and feel passion. Is that so wrong?
Signed... no passion for Pam

Enigma1999 · Jan 7, 2011, 08:40 AM

No Pam, not wrong at all.

You are human and have need and desires.

First of all, STOP faking it!

Have you sat down and communicated what you have told us?

If so, then what does he say other than his size?

Being married, you should be able to be open with him and tell him that YOU want to be made love to. You want him to hold, kiss, and caress you.

Maybe he needs guidance, for you to place his hands on your breasts gently. Show him how you want it. Tell him to kiss you slowly and passionately. Demand this of him..

Has he always been this way?

Is he stressed out?

How old are you two and how long have you been married?

Cat1864 · Jan 7, 2011, 08:57 AM

To get a better idea of the issues, how old are both of you and how long have you been married?

First thing to do is stop 'faking it'. It sends mixed messages to tell him you need different stimuli and at the same time making him think he is doing it right. You can't expect him to do better when you are telling him he is doing well.

Second, sit him down and talk to him about each of your sexual needs when you aren't in the bedroom or expecting sex. Be honest with him that you aren't getting what you need.

Are you getting him aroused and then expecting him to get you aroused or are you working together?

Sex doesn't have to be a serious matter. There are many books and games that can show you both how to have fun and enjoy discovering each other. Perhaps a sexual version of 'Follow the Leader' where you show him how you want to be touched and have him touch you that way.

martinizing2 · Jan 24, 2011, 06:31 AM

Honesty and communication are the keys to good relationships.

First , I suggest you work on your communication. Since honesty and communication are essential in a good relationship ,
You need to be more proficient at both.
When you fake it, you are not being honest. If you can't discuss it, it won't get better.

If your husband is a wonderful guy then he should be considerate enough to be sure you are happy with your sex life, and strong enough to take constructive criticism about where he is lacking.

As the others have pointed out, stop faking! Deal with reality, if he is too rough tell him. Or when he does the things you like , tell him... more of that.
Most men like to be given hints or told outright what is wanted or expected.

And on the other hand it seems most women will not tell you if you're not doing well. They will tell their friends

smoothy · Jan 24, 2011, 07:22 AM

Faking it only makes him believe he's doing it right.

Women are complicated creatures.. (as in few if any women like the same thing the same way).. most of us guys aren't offended by gentile and passionate guidance to your likes and dislikes, particularly early in the relationship.

Conversely, come back 10 years later out of the blue after faking it all that time saying we don't know squat... THAT will be taken highly offensively.

We learn what you like and dislike by your body language and verbal feedback.

Misdirect us and we aren't going to learn what you like and how you like it.

We really aren't good at reading minds.

martinizing2 · Jan 24, 2011, 07:42 AM

But won't tell the man. (this post is missing the last few paragraphs... I blame the site because operator related defects do not occur on my PC.)

PassionforPam · Jan 24, 2011, 07:48 AM

I am 36 and have been married 16 years. My husband has been my only lover... I was a virgin when we married. I had my first orgasm last year, via vibrator. I hid the vibrator from him for a long time, because he thought it was horrible that I would need something other than him... but finally I brought it out and said I am using this... would like it if we used it together. We have tried a couple of times, but he gets a little carried away...

I have tried telling him how I feel... but he acts so hurt that I eventually give up. Early in the marriage I didn't even want to have sex... so I did my "wifely" duties when required. Then I realized that wasn't fair to him. So I have slowly changed. I try to be a more generous lover... I kiss, give my lots of oral sex, which he loves, compliment him... but it is the same for him. He likes oral sex... but he doesn't know when to stop and go on to something else... I will try to hint... like I need you now!. etc... but to no avail. Then I end up drying out and the actual sex act isn't pleasant.

I really don't know what to do. I use to think that it was a good thing that I "saved" myself for marriage... now I feel like I have missed out and will never experience true passion.

martinizing2 · Jan 24, 2011, 07:48 AM

We're good at things like%2

smoothy · Jan 24, 2011, 07:57 AM

Its not always about what you say... but HOW you say it.

Tone and choice of words can mean everything.

If he's taking offense... possibly reevaluate what you said and how you said it to him.

Unless he is the hopelessly thin skinned type that can't take any criticism or guidance from anyone without it being personal to him.

JudyKayTee · Jan 24, 2011, 11:23 AM

Originally Posted by chipsdigitalpc

That is terrible. . My girlfriend and I are straight freaks, yo. Toys, fantasies. My favorite is to break up the sex with oral, go to something else (like a toy) while I tounge her very clean anus. She cums a river, then I finally feel free to let go in her mouth or butt

And what is your advice to people who are not "straight freaks, yo"? Her husband apparently doesn't want to hear what she has to say.

So your advice in this instance is...

Enigma1999 · Jan 24, 2011, 11:54 AM

Originally Posted by chipsdigitalpc

That is terrible. . My girlfriend and I are straight freaks, yo. Toys, fantasies. My favorite is to break up the sex with oral, go to something else (like a toy) while I tounge her very clean anus. She cums a river, then I finally feel free to let go in her mouth or butt

C'mon... really?

There is so much I find comical about this statement, I don't even know where to begin.

JudyKayTee · Jan 24, 2011, 12:00 PM

Originally Posted by Enigma1999

C'mon...really?

There is so much I find comical about this statement, I don't even know where to begin.

Apparently he's fascinated by his own sex life because he's posted this same info (which I really didn't need to know!) twice. What is the saying about people who talk about it...

PassionforPam · Jan 24, 2011, 01:23 PM

I am 36 and have been married 16 years.

I have tried to talk to him.. he becomes very pouty and then refuses to talk to me.

PassionforPam · Jan 24, 2011, 01:25 PM

I purchased a book about different positions, etc. At the time he was OK with it.. then later he throws it up later. I have tried to "communicate" with him.. it ends up with me feeling like a perverted monster and him the hurt victim.

PassionforPam · Jan 24, 2011, 01:27 PM

I have tried telling him. But he gets so "hurt" that I am the one feeling like a monster. Am I expecting too much? I just want to feel special, loved tenderly.. it would be worth more to me than anything.

PassionforPam · Jan 24, 2011, 01:29 PM

I have never been critical with him. I do not critize.. but I am almost to that point. He just falls asleep afterward and I end up crying. I realize that sex is over dramatized in movies and books... but surely there is more pleasure in it?

excon · Jan 24, 2011, 01:29 PM

Originally Posted by PassionforPam

I need to feel loved and feel passion. Is that so wrong?

Hello Pam:

It's not wrong. You just picked the wrong guy. So, you're either going to have to give up getting laid real good, or your going to have to give up your husband.. Terrible choice, I know.

excon

Enigma1999 · Jan 24, 2011, 05:50 PM

" I realize that sex is over dramatized in movies and books...but surely there is more pleasure in it?"

Yes there is...

Sex can be very fun and enjoyable.

To me, sex is about a strong connection with your partner. A moment of where you truly reveal yourself and give yourself to your partner. It's more than having an orgasm.

It's about trust, passion, a feeling of being safe and secure, and yes, it's amazing!

I am speaking for myself of course. To others, it may be different.

You are not wrong in your feelings.

You really need to communicate this with him.

16 years is along time. I don't want to see your marriage fail...

I would talk to him and really express what you have told us.

IF then, he is not willing to change, well then, you have to decide.

I know this may sound shallow, but if a lover refuses to go down on me, or make love to me (the way I want it) then he is simply not for me...

Just saying

smoothy · Jan 25, 2011, 07:50 AM

Got to spread the rep Enigma1999
But like you said... Being a good lover is far more than two selfish people getting off how they see fit without regard to the other individual. He's got to listen... and at least make an effort. Sure everyone can't be the perfect lover... but they darn sure should at least try to be the best they can be.

dmpill · Feb 5, 2011, 03:22 PM

I have had the same problem with my husband. Turns out he can't deal with any sort of criticism of any sort, and being rough and ignoring what I want in bed was his way of passively aggressively responding to what he perceived as too much criticism in our marriage. His inability to listen was also due to his emotional distance from me, which was due to his putting up barriers to protect his ego when he did dumb stuff and I got annoyed.

It's not so much the words he cares about, it's my emotion. Even if I say, for example, "Could you take out the trash, honey?" in a light and pleasant voice, he can tell if I'm annoyed that he hasn't done it and it's starting to stink, and he takes the feeling as criticism, which it is, to be honest. You wouldn't think a grown man would be so sensitive about my getting annoyed when he has, in fact, screwed up. (Taking trash out is his job, and he knows very well that it will stink if he doesn't it out very couple of days.) But he is that sensitive. And I don't think he's an isolated case.

What he wanted me to do was to not only not criticize him at all verbally, except in emergencies, but also not to ask him to do anything more than once, not to ask him to do more than three things in a single day, and most importantly, to learn to control my emotions to the point that I don't even think/feel "Jeez, that was dumb" when he screws up. It's difficult, but it can be done. I just need to cultivate some perspective, so I don't get wired by things that aren't going to kill us if they are done badly, divide up the tasks so he isn't responsible for stuff I know he is likely to screw up, and constantly keep my focus on "What gets us where we want to go?" rather than "Argh! That is NOT getting us where we want to go!" And the more successful I am at keeping ultra-calm and not even thinking critical thoughts about him, the more responsive he is to my needs in bed. It's not perfect yet, but we're getting there.