[aluenee]

Threads merged

Its about my life.. please read below and advice me...
We(me and the girl whom I love.. lets call D) became best friend just two weeks before.. it's been a year we became close to each other.. Just before a year. We'd been to educational tour from college.. And after that we became closer. I knew she had boyfriend.. And that time I was in relation with next girl L.

Just as a fren.. me n D used 2spnd times.. we go4 walks and phone calls and sms.one day I realized.. she likes me.. But I ignored because I was in relation with next girl L.Then after a month I got break up with L.. then I told this to D.. Actually she was unknown about my relation with L because I had promised L not of telling about it to others.. after that we all moved to next city for study. There we stayed for four five months and I was in pain because of breakup with L.. I these time D helped to get rid of grief,I was in.we shared time together.one day I felt like I was liking her.. crush on her.. I told her about it.. I said her I don't want to get love from her but just shared it because we're close friends.. and as I thought,c too had crush on me.. I came to know by her that before 1month when she knew I had girlfriend,she left her feelings go off.. Then we kept on sharing lots and lots of time together.. watched romantic movies together too,I used to leave her to the place where she used to stay.. then we both started expressing love.it used to be very hard for us to separate. In four months,only about two days we were out of contact.we use to say boyfriend and girlfriend 2 each other since our first month of being close friend.. but it became the reality.. But next thing is that she is in relation with next guy too.. his existing boyfriend lets say S.. she used to meet her just sometimes and she knows I feel bad about that..

Then she went to abroad for further study.. I was with her on last day and first night too to see her going off at 2am in the morning.. I know her family members and they do know about me too.. now also we chat for at least three hours a day.. then fb mail.. sharing I love you n I love you too.. n just before two weeks she asked me to be her best friend.. n I accepted it.. She knows I love her more than she does to me.. I didn't know what was propose..

Once I said her I love you and it was propose.. but she did nothing and no response.. Later I knew its actually meant the answer and making choice.while chatting.. we discussed about it.. then because of her I really proposed her.. she didn't say.. she felt bad.. she said she loves me but she is not choosing me.she says she can't leave her existing boyfriend.. she wants to leave him I guess.. I think she is worried

What if S do something.. once he tried doing suicide too.. n bla bla.. But I 'm seriously in love with her and she knows I want her to accept me.. and she feels bad too that she's not accepting me.. she feels bad when I talk about my ex and other girls so do... my friends saying me not to be serious. She 's playing with you and bla.. and I 'm against it. Its me who 've known her since a year.. if anything happens she'll too suffer too.. coz she loves me too.. About me and her we've told to only one friend.. D wants it not to be known others.. Just two days ago oe of my close friend,asked me about D and me.I said we're just close friends.. n he asked me what if I 'd to chose between him and D... actually if I had to then I will D.. cos she is everything for me Now please say me what to do.. I want her(D) to choose between me and his existing bf(S).. but I don't want to hurt her by asking it.We have already talked about this thrice.I love her and I can't bear loss of her. I can't see her being of other.. I can't.. I can't share her with other guy like this... Please help me. If possible.

[LightCross]

From your description above I can say that this D u love has a good character, because she decided to stay dedicated to her boyfriend despite the fact that she has feeling for you also which shown that she is dedicated and loyal person. As for now the best move to do is to respect her decision, because althogh you both has same feeling to each other the timing just hasn't come for you both yet so for now back down for awhile say to her that you understand her situation, by doing this she could feel that you respect her and mature enough to consent about her situation. As for 'be able to be together' part time will tell.

Besides even if she were to dump her current girlfriend now and enter relationship with you it won't be healthy for you both because for her part she will be in relationsbhip with you while carrying guilty feeling from dumping her boyfriend which ofc will affect both of you in certain stage of your relationship later on, as for you ,you will also carry about the same guilty feeling, so yeah I don't think with the present situation of you both you could enter a healthy relationship with her, so for now the solution is to wait for the time when you both available and be able to enter healthy relationship:) peace

[aluenee]

Thanks.. Its just is that we love each other knowing that she's next boyfriend.. she knows it and so do I . But despite it, we love each other.. It means should I just move on like this? We've trust for each other.. But what if I'd to lose her? What if she goes to her this S.? she knows what will happen to me.. Coz she knows how much I love her.. She knows I do love her more than I 'd ever loved L.. Hmmm. Really thanks you guys..

[LightCross]

Like I said before whether you lose her or win her time will tell because looking at the present situation right now won't allow you both to have a healthy relationship, as for now you should just wait for her to be available while keep being part of her life, keep accompany her as 'special friends'. If she is truly meant for you then the time will come for you both to be together, for now just play the available role.

[aluenee]

Sharing I love you and kisses on chats.. Is it bad? We love each other.. and best frens too... Ok I'm ready to wait for her.. But I don't want to be her option in her life.. It means should I wait for her tragedy with her existing boyfriend S?am I disturbing their relationship? At first she liked me. Then I liked her and now we both.. Did I do wrong for telling my feelings for her before five months?

[LightCross]

Whether you disturb their relationship is really depend on how you act in front of her and how you treat her really.There are certain degree of attitude that you can give to friend and people you love.Simply put it is like this : If the degree is separated from scale 1 to 10 with 4-6 'degree of attitude' is a degree for people you consider as friend and 7- 10 is for people you consider as someone special then the way you act toward her should be in that 4-6 degree and not going past it although I do find that it is hard with your current situation atm because you love her and treat someone you love like a normal friend is... hard, but yeah try to create some limitation of your attention you should give to her. As for whether kiss and say I love you in chat is bad or not I think you already know the answer inside your heart, because if you don't know the answer you wouldn't ask it here, someone who sure what he/she did right won't have a single doubt inside of his/her heart.

It means should I wait for her tragedy with her existing boyfriend S

You look at this from wrong point of view, waiting doesn't mean you wait for tragedy to befall between them, or at least you shouldn't see it in negative light like that. See it in more positive light like : waiting here means seeing whether they 're meant to be together or not,and if they were not to meant to be together then it doesn't mean that you caused it and that also doesn't mean that you can't go to her nor you being option to her.

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...lk-303157.html

She has a boyfriend, so leave her alone. Its really that simple, and your efforts to get her away from him are really quite disgusting, and disrespectful to her relationship. Your friendship is not genuine because its purpose is to sway her away from who she has chosen.

A better man, I think, realizes this, and steps away from this situation all together and gets his own life, and his own girl to be with. Not hold out hope that an unavailable female will change her mind. That's very unrealistic. Then you can keep your dignity, and self respect, and not seem like the clown waiting for a balloon.

You are not entitle to anything special because you have strong feelings for her, nor should you presume her feelings are the same as yours because obviously, they are not. Get a life that makes you happy without her in it, and be a better man.

[aluenee]

I didn't get your degrees of attitudes.. And no I don't have any guilty feelings.. I do trust her and so does she.. And she likes it.. Its not I'm forcing her. Hmmm.. Yeah you're true I should wait for her.. By the way me too don't want to force her for anything.. Its her to decide everything na.. she tells me not to leave her.. And keep also asking me what if I didn't get her.. She says if she and me couldn't be together then she won't keep frenship too and will never show herself to me. I do know I'm seriously falling for her and she is too..

And its not that I'm swaying her away from her boyfriend.. a year. Its not few days.. I'm sure that no one have known her as me.if my love is really true then I'm damn sure that she is happy with me... why should I leave her alone.. If I leave then what'll happen no one knows better that me.. I've promised her of loving her always and I can never think of leaving her.. I 've heard from her bf's fren.. That he 's other girlfriend too.. But I've not said about it with her. Coz I don't want to make his existing boyfriend down in her.. If I'd bad intension then I would've said it to her na.. But I can't do it. I love her and I do respect her feelings for me, for her existing boyfriend and their relation..

[talaniman]

Her words and actions match, she is keeping her boyfriend, but keeping you secret in the closet. She gives you time as a friend, behind her boyfriends back. She is playing you, and you let her. Back off, and if she really cares as much as you think, she will drop the guy and come to you.

Do you want the truth, or the fantasy of your own feelings??

[aluenee]

I wish you guys would know her as I've known.. Why playing me?what she could do if she fell in love with me?she's not the girl who can hurt others easily.. Her each decision matters a lot.. Just before.. We left chat. We chatted for three hours.. I know my two closest frens are already angry with me for this.. They think the same.. As you.. two expert guys said. If she were playing me why would she miss me every evening. Why would she provide me her fb Yahoo password? Why would she 've tears in her eyes for me? Why would she chat with me despite of her busy schedule. She's to go collegeg in morning at 9am.. bt chat with me 4 half an hour bfr.. n in intrvl of an hour,chats wit me for half an hour and after getting back from college and after taking meal. She only chats with me.. Gets invisible and doesn't care about other.. Its not playing yar.. I wish you guys were me and had known her.. To be honest, she is the reason for my happiness.. If because of her I'd to be in pain then that's OK.. But I'm not strong emotionally so it will hurt me a lot of course. But I don't think so.. I know that her existing boyfren has other girlfrens.. One of my bro had talked about it with me.. So I don't think I'm interfering in her life.. If we both love each other then why should I back off.. And now what should I do with my two those frens? They're annoyed with me for being serious about her..

[talaniman]

She sounds socially isolated with no friends or activities. Yet she has a boyfriend. She must be more afraid of him than have love for you, or she sees no future with you as nothing more than a friend. It could also be she has no choice but to be with him, and can never be with you. Sure you get attention from her, a lot in fact, but you have no facts or explanations from her why you are on the outside looking in, and this other fellow has her heart. That's really odd to me considering how much you talk together. Okay he is blackmailing her with suicide or whatever, ask yourself if that's reason enough to be with someone, let alone stay. No my friend there is either a lot more you are not telling or this is utter BS you are in. What country are you from and are you both in the same class/caste?

[aluenee]

We both were from same class in same college.. then we went to next city.. n we studied in same institute for some preparation classes.n we've spent lots time together.we're from different caste.. yeah she fears of what would S do if she breaks up with him.. before four months,she 'd said we can't be together.. but I don't think it would be now.. we do talk about our future sometime.about marriage.. n what if I die.. n she too ask what if she dies.. n both gets upset if anyone raises question to other.. we both mostly talk about the moments we shared together in last year 2011.nw c has gone abroad for study and will get back in ten months,then'll get back after a month again.. I can't leave her and if I do so then it'll affect her.. she 's frens.. she's sociable.. not isolated.. yeah we do care about each other and talk but in chat.. Phone calls can't be like that in same country because we're away.. I sleep at night just chatting with her and morning mail.. my day is her.. completely her.. But one thing is that I've my all close frens away now and only she is in contact.. n after she went there, I've not been out much.coz of her absence,I don't like anything to do.. I miss her badly.. I want her.. But I don't want to force her to be with me.. I don't know why she not accepting me.. But as light said, we won't be in healthy relation. So me too thinki of waiting.. why no girls giving answers in it?I want to get their view..

[talaniman]

So you are the one that is social isolated with no friends. No wonder you are so stuck, you better get a life that you enjoy, with friends, and activities that you enjoy without her, or you will always be stuck.

[aluenee]

I'm just idle these days. And my close frenp are away. My college will start from next month. But in spite of it, I don't want to lose her. I don't want to make her away.. I do seriously love her.. Why you thinking I should leave her? Can you read my answers and question again and give a conclusion to me? Please

[Alty]

You want a female point of view, well here it is.

It worries me that you have invested so much of your life in her when she's not doing the same. You said that she's your whole life. That's a lot of power she has. Have you ever considered that she remains your friend for the same reason that she stays with her boyfriend? She's afraid of what you will do because you've made your whole life about her.

The bottom line is that she does have options, she has choices, and like it or not, she's making them. She's with the boyfriend. She hasn't made any plans to leave her boyfriend. She told you point blank that she doesn't see a future romantically with you. Did you listen to her, or did you just hear what you wanted to hear, as you're doing here?

You love her. She may love you. But, she loves her boyfriend more, otherwise he'd be history.

She is playing with you. She doesn't want to lose you, but she's not willing to be with you. That's really not a fair thing for her to do, but you're letting her every time you pick up the phone. Every time you stay at home because she might call. Every time you make time for her. You're allowing her to use you.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I doubt you'll listen. You're still living with the fantasy that somehow, some way you two will be together. What will it take for you to realize that you won't? If she marries the boyfriend will you finally realize that she doesn't want a relationship with you? When she has kids will you finally get the point? Or will you spend the rest of your life pining for someone you can't have?

The choice is yours. You can change all of this by simply letting her go. Talk to her, tell her that you cannot continue like this, that the friendship you two have, when you want more, is breaking your heart and you have to look out for yourself. After that you go to no contact. That means no Facebook, no skype, no phone calls, no letters, no contact at all.

It will be hard. It will be painful, but this is what you need to do to move on and find someone that can give her heart to you completely. This girl can't and won't.

[LightCross]

I think I will make the degree of attention thing shorter, it is basically all about adjustment. Like : if the attention you should give to normal friend is 6 and the attention you should give to special person is 9 then you shouldn't break the limit like for example giving 9 points of attention to normal friend because it would be overkill.

Now back to your situation, right now it is best to give her attention and treat her like normal friend because atm she has her current boyfriend, interacting with her like a couple is like asking her to do double dating indirectly , and I don't think it is a healthy way for you both to continue like this, for now focus on yourself and on your life rather than keep staring at the door that currently closed for you and wasting time
'Dont do to others what you don't want others to do to you' , would you like it if one day you in a relationship with one girl and your girl's heart wandering somewhere into someone else and keep interacting with that someone? No right?
As for what I meant by waiting for her I meant that currently you should control yourself and somehow don't interrupt with their current relationship, and if you find it is hard to treat her as a friend then you should perhaps not contacting her for time being.

Then we kept on sharing lots and lots of time together.. watched romantic movies together too,I used to leave her to the place where she used to stay.. then we both started expressing love.it used to be very hard for us to separate. In four months,only about two days we were out of contact.we use to say boyfriend and girlfriend 2 each other since our first month of being close friend.. but it became the reality.. But next thing is that she is in relation with next guy too.. his existing boyfriend lets say S.. she used to meet her just sometimes and she knows I feel bad about that..

She still confused about what to do here I suppose, she dated you, going out with you and such yet at same time she initiated relationship with other guy and took him in as her BF, I will say bluntly to you that currently she is not mature enough to get into serious long term relationship because the fact is she did kind of 'doubling', she loves you but at same time she loves another man also,with her current state even if she were to leave this man and go for you what you expect?For the time being just let her with this man, let her grow up and mature and respect their relationship and fight your urge to be with her which is the best thing to do currently.

And Altenweg is right, for the time being you should focus more on yourself,for the moment leave the closed door for awhile

[aluenee]

@ATENWg::

Hey,thanks for everything.. you know I'm getting really pissed out.. huft.. what shall I do now?I can't let her go.. do you know just before a year, I'd same thing happened.. my girlfren broke up with me because she felt for the other guy.. and now this girl entered my life.. my ex is nothing is in front of this girl.. not cute as her.. But this girl when I love is very understanding... and I love her so much.. I don't want to let her go and I don't want to talk about it with her again asking for choosing between me and him.. Just before she got online,I thought of not getting online.but I couldn't.. so I got online and chatted with her.I do trust her so much.. But I'm very possessive about her,I can't share her with others.she knows that.. his existing boyfriend is also far from her as I'm with her.. but she gives time for me.. Mail,chatting.. we're distanced so can't meet and can't talk much on phone.. She's nothing with her boyfriend now.. may be sometimes call.. But I've feel of insecurity about her. What if I've to lose her... And bla bla as you said.. Isn't there anyway to realize her that she now need to make chose between her existing boyfriend and me? no don't think her as a play girl.. actually I don't know what's play girl too.. I'm simple,and I can't hurt anyone.. But I've been being hurt.. now I've my friends away too.. but in a month,I'll have been joining my bachelor level of study. So new college and new friends and new girls.. She too feels insecurity about me being confronting other girls.. Recently I'd one girl who was interested in me. But I kept her ignoring.. One thing is sure,I love her and I don't want to lose her.. I knows lots of girls are there,but I love her a lot.. Those time I spent with her in last year were my best part.. Yesterday she'd said me that one bro of his had asked her to meet and she was asking me if she should go or not.. She's there in other country and in girl's hostel so she doesn't get in contact with much guys there too.. I know there is no much contact with her existing boyfriend but I want to be just sure that she is only mine. Is not there anyway to make her realize that she should take a decision? should I ignore her and not be online for chatting with her?but it's going to affect me too.. what shall I do?

[aluenee]

@LIGHTCRZ:
=>
What you meant by treating her like a normal fren?I do sometime treat her as best fren and sometime as boyfriend.. how to treat like boyfriend n how to treat as best fren?
Now we're not dating.. We're just in different countries.. Despite this fact I want to continue with her.. Hmmm yeah I'd my own girlfren just before a year.. She lost her feelings for me and felt in love with the other guys and she'd broke up with me before seven months.. I've already suffered by that.. And it hurt me a lot till this girl just became more than just a fren for me then close fren then love and now best frens too.. She used to meet his existing boyfriend but she used to say me that her boyfriend has said to meet.. she informed me always.. And my bro near me had told that her(this girl whom I love,lets say D) boyfriend had other girls too.. He is in relation with other girls too.. but her focuses more on her.. whatever it is he's other girls back of D.. and I don't like it. And I've never talked about it to her(D).. before she left this country.. She'd once told me that she think her existing boyfriend has other girls too.. You know what, I've heard bad things about her from others but I never cared about it.. it was when I was just a fren.. Now we more than just a fren and I don't care about anything.. We've trust for each other..

What did you mean ? If its hard for you to treat her as friend then perhaps not contacting her for time being? What you want me to do?hmmm should I ignore her? And stop chatting with her? We can't meet each other till ten months. And the only way of being in contact is me calling her on phone, or fb mail or we do chatting.. we're not available to meet each other.. Should I say her and stop doing contact with her or just without saying and stopping doing contact? You know? She always miss me much in the evening, because it was me with whom she used to go for walk till little dark at night also.. she knew that she'll be scold if she gets back to her home but despite this fact,she used to spend time with me.. and so do I...

Hey,She's not with him k. He's also far from her. They can't date. They 've only phone contact. Just it is that they are in relation... I'm just idle now and I've moving to do whole day. So I just keep on missing her and the days and moments we shared together.I Just wait her at 7.30am ,2pm,n 8pm for chatting with her.. What you say now? Please you guys don't be bored with me.. I can't share this with anyone.. Whatever I'd to share I've shared with my best fren which is she herself(D).. some times I do chat saying her like.. ""hey, i want to chat with my best fren not my gf..and then i say ,why you not helping me? You'd told me that you'll make my gf to accept me- being best fren you not helping me.. And i also say, i love her a lot. Very seriously and i wanna spend my whole life with her .. I'm just waiting for the day when she accept me.. I'm possessive for her and she's the best girl i've ever made.. And don't you dare to say her bad""

this way i chat with her with two roles as best fren and love and she realizes by it too that i love her very much.. And she feels bad that she is not accepting me and asks me why i love her so much..she says me that "hey boyfriend,I'm very bad na?"..

What you guys say now?.

[LightCross]

I meant you should be consistent with your role, you can't play two roles at same time aluenee, tehre is no such thing as playing role and boyfriend at same time, boyfriend is boyfriend best friend is best friend

What did you mean ? If its hard for you to treat her as friend then perhaps not contacting her for time being? What you want me to do?

I meant that at this point you shouldn't treat her as girlfriend because she is currently taken thus you should treat her as a friend, however treating her as a friend with the love feeeling you have for her atm is hard right?I was telling you that if just in case you find that you unable to treat her as friend for time being then you should made a consistent move, which is ignoring her,tell her before hand that you find that it is wise to give her space because you don't want to intrude her current relation with her boyfriend,she will understand.

Hey,She's not with him k. He's also far from her. They can't date. They 've only phone contact. Just it is that they are in relation...

Yup they are in relation, let's make things short, this girl D has two choices :
1. Cont with her current BF
2. Dump her current BF and go out with you.However one thing to keep in mind here that if she were to dump this guy and go out with you, what do you think will happen?You both will feel the consequences,she would feel guilty for dumping her current BF because while in relationship with him she has you being in the middle of it and finally she has to kick him out.And as for you, you just made one person experienced same thing you experienced with your previous girlfriend who fell in love with other guy and break the relationship with you. No matter how I look at it if you two were to get together with the current situation you won't be able to create healthy relationship, sorry but it is the truth

And don't you dare to say her bad""

In fact I didn't , I only provide you with the fact that atm this D is confused and still not mature enough to make proper decision, not mature enough doesn't mean that she is bad, it is just that she still needs time. If she is mature enough to be consistent with her feeling and decision you wouldn't be in here in this forum wondering and asking why she doesn't be with you buth instead go with other man while loving you at same time.I know that sometimes hearing fact can be harsh but well which you prefer fact or fantasy?

[aluenee]

Yeah I'd done that before. I'd same discussion of accepting and bla bla.. I said her I'll give her space then she'll know who is important for her but I couldn't continue.. I know same had I done with my previous girlfriend.I couldn't give her space and never let have fear of losing me.. but I lost her.. Hmmmm with this D,I'd not done any contact for some hours but I couldn't continue it. It was getting hard for her too.. Finally we chatted after about twenty hours.. And we got discussion for an hour. She was annoyed with me for taking her exam and asked me if I would want to take more exams or not.. And I never repeated it.. Coz both of us were suffered..

Yeah I know that as you said had happened with me. I lost my ex.. And if I do same with it then I'll be like that guy and this D will be like my ex.. I'd already thought about it.. If she accepts me also, then other may say her bad.. which I don't want.. But I can't think of my life with absence of her.. I'm really confused.. I can't let her go.. She first felt for me.. And I felt for her later. So I've not forced her and I didn't interrup her relation.. If about trust worthy.. I'm better than his existing boyfriend.. Do you think I want her to be with the guy who keep making other girlfriend?