[zakant00]

A week ago, my boyfriend, who I was with for 1 1/2 years, broke up with me totally out of the blue. We are both 23 and had talked about getting married and having kids and I really thought he was the one. I had been in other relationships in the past, that didn't even measure up to this, so I thought for sure I had found my prince and was sure he felt the same way. Anyway, the night started with me getting very upset with him for not calling me (as he usually did for the past 1 1/2 years) when I got out of work. I said some nasty things, but figured it would just clear over. However, this time he said he didn't think he could do this anymore. He told me that he didn't like that I was materialistic and that he felt that our relationship was 80%about me and 20% about him and that things always had to be my way. Now, I'm not saying this may not be true, but the rest of this story just has me confused. I asked him for another chance to show that I indeed love him and want him to be happy too. He said that he didn't want me to change for him because I would eventually start acting that way again (he doesn't believe people should change for one another in a relationship--however if it's bad habits (like mine are), I think change is good). I asked him if he had found someone else, he said no. Finally, we settled on taking a break. Two days later--didn't hear a word from him. It was driving me crazy, so on the third day, I blocked my number and called him (I knew he wouldn't pick up if he knew it was me). I wanted to make this mature--I wasn't trying to stalk him or anything. He picked up and was a bit surprised and hesitant to talk to me. I asked him if we were still on break and he said that he was doing fine and thought it would be better to go our separate ways. I asked him why we couldn't work through the things he didn't like, but he said he couldn't. He also told me that he had been talking to people at his work and they knew he was upset so they were trying help him. I just couldn't understand why he didn't come to me--that wasn't like him to go outside our relationship to talk to people he hasn't even known 6 months. He said there was nothing I could say to change his mind and that maybe once we had our careers figured out that we would find each other again. I blatantly asked him 5 times if he met someone else, each time the answer was no. He then proceeded to say that I'll always have a place in his heart and that he wanted to keep in contact and be friends. Our conversation was very short as you could tell he was anxious to end it. A day later, I wrote him an email and expressed my thoughts about everything and said that I wanted him to be happy and that if it meant not being with me, then I would have to be okay with it. I left it open to him whether he wanted to respond or not. So since then, I've heard nothing from him. Since the email, I pledged that would be my last try at contact. Crazy enough, the next day his brother's g/f called me about a separate issue and then said that he had just told his parents that we broke up the night before (4 days after we actually did). She said he was really quiet and didn't really give a reason. Quite honestly, I think there is someone else (at work) because he used to talk about this one girl all the time, but I really thought nothing of it because she was very different from me and he always told me she was nothing to worry about as she has a kid from someone else and just wasn't his type. I'd always tease him about her and sometimes he'd get upset saying that it wasn't right for me to say mean things as I didn't even know her, but I was jealous what can I say? Sorry, this is long but I think it's good to get the whole story. What do I do now? There is stuff at his house that is mine. I have stuff of his. If he did find someone else, I wish he would just tell me. He's been avoiding me at all costs, I think I am on his block list on AOL as he always used to be on there. One other confusing part of this whole story, just 2 days before we broke up, we had been talking about booking tickets to go on a trip and he was all into it. In addition, he wrote me text messages saying he loved me and couldn't wait to see me. I am so confused, my family was shocked to hear the news as well as his (from what his brother's g/f told me) as everyone thought we would get married (he used to tell his mom all the time that I would be around for a very long time). Any advice about any of this would help. I am trying my best to get over him, but it's hard to think that we aren't together anymore as he played a huge part in my life--my life revolved around him--i changed my schedule at work to coordinate with his and we would be on the phone all the time together.

[daisydew]

This sounds almost exactly like what happened between my boyfriend and I about 5 weeks ago (minus the fact there might be another girl). My boyfriend actually used the 80% 20% reasoning too. I can really feel for you, because my boyfriend was my best friend.

There are other people on here who will give you great advice, but all I can say is to just let him go. Don't contact him. It really becomes easier as the days go on. I slipped up a few days ago and ended up calling him, and trust me when I say it really does just hurt more to talk to them again if they don't want to be with you... and if they wanted to be with you, they would let you know.

I think this would be a great time to work on yourself. A lot of great people on this board gave me the advice to take this time as an opportunity to improve myself, and I'm really trying to do that now. Maybe you should try working on being content being single so when you meet the right person the relationship can be give and take 50% 50%.

Again, I'm really sorry you're going through this. There are so many great people here who know exactly how you feel though. Good luck.

[rol]

<<but it's hard to think that we aren't together anymore as he played a huge part in my life--my life revolved around him--i changed my schedule at work to coordinate with his and we would be on the phone all the time together.
>>

That's probably the reason for the breakup... he became your life. A relationship should always be a balance of an "i" you" and us"

Don't contact him again, forget about the stuff for now.

<< blatantly asked him 5 times if he met someone else, each time the answer was no>>

Just because he does not want to be with you does not mean he is with someone else. That comment I'm sure really irritated him.

Right now go and rebuild your life without him and keep it, don't revolve your life around any guy.

[momincali]

"A week ago, my boyfriend, who I was with for 1 1/2 years, broke up with me totally out of the blue. We are both 23 and had talked about getting married and having kids and I really thought he was the one. I had been in other relationships in the past, that didn't even measure up to this, so I thought for sure I had found my prince and was sure he felt the same way. Anyway, the night started with me getting very upset with him for not calling me (as he usually did for the past 1 1/2 years) when I got out of work. I said some nasty things, but figured it would just clear over. However, this time he said he didn't think he could do this anymore. He told me that he didn't like that I was materialistic and that he felt that our relationship was 80%about me and 20% about him and that things always had to be my way. Now, I'm not saying this may not be true, but the rest of this story just has me confused."

Stop there. Ya know, I read through your post and I have to say, you seem pretty self-centered. Now here me out, don't get defensive. You know that what he says is true and yet you stand here saying you can't figure out why he doesn't want to be with you anymore. You sent him an email to express your thoughts. You said you couldn't understand why he just didn't come to you with how he felt, why, so you could bash him for saying something you didn't like? You blasted him for not calling you like he had for a year and a half, that's not unreasonable. I have a good feeling that this is not the first sign of nastiness you showed him. I'm sorry to come off so blunt, but I think you're selfish, unreasonable, controlling... would you want to be with you??

I don't believe for a second that you're confused, what I believe is that you're looking for someone else to blame for this break-up besides yourself. You asked him 5 times if there was someone else in his life, 5 times. You needed to find someone to blame. Why is it so hard to believe that there isn't and that yelling at him on the phone for not calling you was just the straw that broke the camel's back? Does he have a history of being a liar, if so, you left that out. Maybe the girl he talked about at his job was just a friend, someone nice he could talk to, is that so inconceivable? You guys seem to be very different. You're controlling and he's... not.

Bottom line is, he had enough. If this is truly about your love for him and not the fact that you lost your punching bag, then respect his wishes and leave him alone. Show him that you can be considerate of him by doing what he asks. Your break up didn't come out of the blue, it was a long time coming, you just refused to see it cause you weren't on the short end of the stick. He's not made of stone, he got tired of your stuff and finally had enough, good for him for taking a stand for himself and walking away.

[zakant00]

5 things...
1. I agree with your post (momincali) (most of it)--there is no doubt that I am self-centered and I guess you could say this was the hard way to learn this
2. To clarify, my email told him how I loved his family n thanked him for letting me be apart of it. I also admitted to him that our relationship was about mostly about me and that it was my mission to change for myself as that is the only way I will ever change--not for someone else.
3. I just don't know though, how do you explain like 100+ text messages and phone calls between him and the other girl?
4. I know we need to have no contact for a while and I want to work on my issues. How will I eventually show him that I am changed? Do you think he'd ever want me back?
5. Shouldn't you try to work your problems within the relationship first, rather than going to soemone else?

[kanicky73]

I think there are so many variables in this situation. The fact that your now owning up to your mistakes and bad habits as you put them is a really good step. Unfortunately, a step that probably should have been taken a long time ago and now you just need to look at this past relationship as a learning experience and move on. I don't mean to sound harsh but it was only a year and a half. Some people stay in relationships for 6-7 years or more and then finally realize its not working. You have an opportunity to make changes within, and learn from your relationship mistakes. I am quite confident that there is a guy out there that your going to fall head over heals in love with and forget all about the other guy.

[para24]

Sometimes people get confused about how they feel and try and bury their head in the sand and pretend the problems aren't there. I can only think that his is why he was so nice before you finished with making plans and telling you he loved you. On the outside things look rosy but the inside may be broken for one or both in a relationship and all it takes is one more argument to end things. Sometimes people look for this argument as an easy way and blame it all on you when in reality, they know you are both to blame. There is only a need to change yourself if you do not like the person you are. It is futile to change for someone else. It's not about changing. It's about accepting that sometimes the love just goes and it wasn't meant to be. The only way through this is accepting it is over and respecting his wishes not to have you in his life. You do not need to change in a relationship. You just need to make room for the other person's personality and you either like that personality or you don't. It is vital to always be yourself because one day if you don't, you will resent that person for making those demands on you and it will end in tears anyway. Move on and make yourself happy.

[chuff]

Well I agree with Momincali 100% I tried to rep it but you know how that thing never workds.

5 things...
1. I agree with your post (momincali) (most of it)--there is no doubt that I am self-centered and I guess you could say this was the hard way to learn this

Very tough way to learn this. But my question is didn't you already know? Maybe you didn't, I can't answer that. But it seems like you are at least open to admitting it, so you recognize it as a problem which can help you change for the future.

A guy might be able to put up with that for awhile but after the initial butterfles where off, say after a year and half, the guy is really faced with the tough question of do I want to be this woman's slave. And take from a guy who's been there, it feels like slavery in the sense you've got no say or very little in what goes on and you have to (or feel like you have to) do whatever she says to keep the peace.

2. To clarify, my email told him how I loved his family n thanked him for letting me be apart of it. I also admitted to him that our relationship was about mostly about me and that it was my mission to change for myself as that is the only way I will ever change--not for someone else.

Well that's good to hear because you shouldn't ever change for somebody else. You shouldn't ever let someone change you unless it's a positive change for the better. But your at least recognizing the change needs to occur and your hopefully going to follow through and make that change.

3. I just don't know though, how do you explain like 100+ text messages and phone calls between him and the other girl?

Over what course of time? I explain it like this. He was extremely depressed, felt trapped and unable to express himself or be himself around you but this other person (male or female is irrelavant) was fun and made him feel something again. Because around you he didn't feel love or pain, just numbness. Just an emptyiness. She made him realize there was still life inside of him and provided him with some kind of hope, excitement, and fun after being brought down by you for a year and a half.

4. I know we need to have no contact for a while and I want to work on my issues. How will I eventually show him that I am changed? Do you think he'd ever want me back?

Honestly, no. He has been wanting out for some time. He was giving you the benefit of the doubt that over time this attitude problem would clear up. He was waiting for you to recognize that he was one of the good guys by putting up with this. He was on the edge and hoping you would change. You pushed him over that edge when you threw a temper tantrum over a phone call, or lack there off. That was the final slap in the face to realize he had put in enough time and waited long enough.

5. Shouldn't you try to work your problems within the relationship first, rather than going to soemone else?

First he didn't go to anyone else. Unless anybody else's name is freedom.

Shouldn't you provide him with a forum where by he feels like he can be open in the relationship and not have to hide his feelings? Shouldn't you allow him the opportunity to express himself without fear of ridicule or emotional abuse? Shouldn't you respect him? Shouldn't you be quiet and listen to what he's saying?

I've got to be honest, I know your hurting and I can tell why. He's a great catch. Even in the break up he told you what his problems were instead of handing you some line. He was kind enough to tell you the truth on the way out even though you threw another temper tantrum. But you don't seem to be listening to what he said at all. To your credit your taking some steps. But you still have yet to fully accept what he's saying.

I'm sure that will take some time but I've been exactly where he is and I've been in the position he was and is in. You completely took over his life and the relationship and smoothered him to the point that he didn't know what to do. He knew he didn't like it but if he dared speak up you would act like a kid about so he waited it out. He learned it was never going to change and when you blamed him for not calling he had enough. He knew there was a better life than this and the first step was removing you from it.

But here's the deal. You can stop this now or you can repeat the pattern with other guys. They'll put up with it for awhile but trust me the day will come when they'll just bolt. I would rather be alone and happy then to be with someone and depressed. I think he feels the same way.

[momincali]

5 things...
1. I agree with your post (momincali) (most of it)--there is no doubt that I am self-centered and I guess you could say this was the hard way to learn this
2. To clarify, my email told him how I loved his family n thanked him for letting me be apart of it. I also admitted to him that our relationship was about mostly about me and that it was my mission to change for myself as that is the only way I will ever change--not for someone else.
3. I just don't know though, how do you explain like 100+ text messages and phone calls between him and the other girl?
4. I know we need to have no contact for a while and I want to work on my issues. How will I eventually show him that I am changed? Do you think he'd ever want me back?
5. Shouldn't you try to work your problems within the relationship first, rather than going to soemone else?

Zak, I hear what you're saying. I know you wanted to make sure that he knew how you felt about him and his family and how grateful you were, but all of this was after the fact.

If you really loved him, you would have been paying attention to what was going on. You would have noticed that you'd been hurtful to him and seen him withdraw a little more each time.

The 100 + messages means nothing between friends, I text my friends all day long. Understand she is more than likely a breath of fresh air to him. Maybe she showed interest in what he liked and wanted. Maybe she made him feel good. That doesn't mean there was a romantic interest. Besides, how do you know how many times they text each other, did he tell you or is that a guesstimate or worse did you spy?

Yes, no contact is always best for all involved, not fun, but the best. To say you need to work on your issues is an understatement. You really need to take a step back and see it with honest, fresh eyes. I think one of the best ways to change a selfish heart is to give from the heart. Now that you're a single gal (at least for now) start volunteering your time. Maybe at a shelter, a nursing home, go read to the sick... I'm sure you know of tons of worthwhile places where there are hoards of people who are in much worse shape than you. Just when we start to feel sorry for ourselves, we see those who are really in need. That will carry you a long way. I'm not saying this should be a penance of some sort, just a way to focus on someone more needy than ourselves.

I wouldn't say that he will never want you back, but I wouldn't wait to find out. Get on with your life. Don't ask him what it will take, don't tell him you're going to change and what you're going to do, just do it. Remember, you're not making these changes for him so who cares what he thinks, you're making them for you.

I know it's going to be hard, but it's not impossible. You sound like a strong person so I'm confident that you can and will succeed at anything you put your mind to, just know he's not a prize to win nor does he want to be treated like one. Love wasn't enough, he just wanted to be respected and appreciated.

[s_cianci]

I think that you've identified part of the problem, though you may not realize it, and that's your constant neediness and clinginess. You stated that you got upset with him and said nasty things to him because he didn't call you when you got out of work. You then go on to state that your life revolved around him and you changed your schedule at work to coordinate with his. Others will tell you that these are the worst mistakes you can make. You tacitly admit to being materialistic and things having to be your way. I wonder if this is accompanied by a possessiveness that drove him away. It sounds like it to me. I think it's altogether possible that you were overbearing and he just couldn't take it anymore. You're going to have to lighten up if you expect to ever be successful in the romance department. And always have a life of your own ; always. Don't give up your life for someone else. I'd write this one off and not contact him anymore but try to learn some lessons from it.

[zakant00]

A week ago, my boyfriend, who I was with for 1 1/2 years, broke up with me totally out of the blue. We are both 23 and had talked about getting married and having kids and I really thought he was the one. I had been in other relationships in the past, that didn't even measure up to this, so I thought for sure I had found my prince and was sure he felt the same way. Anyway, the night started with me getting very upset with him for not calling me (as he usually did for the past 1 1/2 years) when I got out of work. I said some nasty things, but figured it would just clear over. However, this time he said he didn't think he could do this anymore. He told me that he didn't like that I was materialistic and that he felt that our relationship was 80%about me and 20% about him and that things always had to be my way. Now, I'm not saying this may not be true, but the rest of this story just has me confused. I asked him for another chance to show that I indeed love him and want him to be happy too. He said that he didn't want me to change for him because I would eventually start acting that way again (he doesn't believe ppl should change for one another in a relationship--however if it's bad habits (like mine are), i think change is good). I asked him if he had found someone else, he said no. Finally, we settled on taking a break. Two days later--didn't hear a word from him. It was driving me crazy, so on the third day, I blocked my number and called him (i knew he wouldn't pick up if he knew it was me). I wanted to make this mature--I wasn't trying to stalk him or anything. He picked up and was a bit surprised and hesitant to talk to me. I asked him if we were still on break and he said that he was doing fine and thought it would be better to go our separate ways. I asked him why we coudln't work through the things he didn't like, but he said he coudln't. He also told me that he had been talking to people at his work and they knew he was upset so they were trying help him. I just couldn't understand why he didn't come to me--that wasn't like him to go outside our relationship to talk to ppl he hasn't even known 6 months. He said there was nothing I could say to change his mind and that maybe once we had our careers figured out that we would find each other again. I blatantly asked him 5 times if he met someone else, each time the answer was no. He then proceeded to say that I'll always have a place in his heart and that he wanted to keep in contact and be friends. Our conversation was very short as you could tell he was anxious to end it. A day later, I wrote him an email and expressed my thoughts about everything and said that I wanted him to be happy and that if it meant not being with me, then I would have to be okay with it. I left it open to him whether he wanted to respond or not. So since then, I've heard nothing from him. Since the email, I pledged that would be my last try at contact. Crazy enough, the next day his brother's g/f called me about a separate issue and then said that he had just told his parents that we broke up the night before (4 days after we actually did). She said he was really quiet and didn't really give a reason. Quite honestly, i think there is someone else (at work) because he used to talk about this one girl all the time, but I really thought nothing of it because she was very different from me and he always told me she was nothing to worry about as she has a kid from someone else and just wasn't his type. I'd always tease him about her and sometimes he'd get upset saying that it wasn't right for me to say mean things as I didn't even know her, but I was jealous what can I say? Sorry, this is long but I think it's good to get the whole story. What do I do now? There is stuff at his house that is mine. I have stuff of his. If he did find someone else, I wish he would just tell me. He's been avoiding me at all costs, I think I am on his block list on aol as he always used to be on there. One other confusing part of this whole story, just 2 days before we broke up, we had been talking about booking tickets to go on a trip and he was all into it. In addition, he wrote me txt msgs saying he loved me and coudln't wait to see me. I am so confused, my family was shocked to hear the news as well as his (from what his brother's g/f told me) as everyone thought we would get married (he used to tell his mom all the time that I would be around for a very long time). Any advice about any of this would help. I am trying my best to get over him, but it's hard to think that we aren't together anymore as he played a huge part in my life--my life revolved around him--i changed my schedule at work to coordinate with his and we would be on the phone all the time together.

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I guess I have a lot to learn, just wish I would have learned it sooner rather than later. Now it's time to make me better because I can't live with myself knowing that people have such a horrible view of me.

[chuff]

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I guess I have alot to learn, just wish I would have learned it sooner rather than later. Now it's time to make me better because I can't live with myself knowing that people have such a horrible view of me.

Good for you. So many people come here and get advice or suggestions and then because it's the truth go nuts and blame everyone else. It takes a mature and open person to realize they have certain things to change and admit something's they are wrong. The very fact you can look inside yourself and see that is a positive step in the right direction. You will not have a hard time changing at all if you keep a positive attitude and be flexible in your approach when the times get tough and you want to revert back to you old ways. Good luck.

[zakant00]

A week ago, my boyfriend, who I was with for 1 1/2 years, broke up with me totally out of the blue. We are both 23 and had talked about getting married and having kids and I really thought he was the one. I had been in other relationships in the past, that didn't even measure up to this, so I thought for sure I had found my prince and was sure he felt the same way. Anyway, the night started with me getting very upset with him for not calling me (as he usually did for the past 1 1/2 years) when I got out of work. I said some nasty things, but figured it would just clear over. However, this time he said he didn't think he could do this anymore. He told me that he didn't like that I was materialistic and that he felt that our relationship was 80%about me and 20% about him and that things always had to be my way. Now, I'm not saying this may not be true, but the rest of this story just has me confused. I asked him for another chance to show that I indeed love him and want him to be happy too. He said that he didn't want me to change for him because I would eventually start acting that way again (he doesn't believe ppl should change for one another in a relationship--however if it's bad habits (like mine are), i think change is good). I asked him if he had found someone else, he said no. Finally, we settled on taking a break. Two days later--didn't hear a word from him. It was driving me crazy, so on the third day, I blocked my number and called him (i knew he wouldn't pick up if he knew it was me). I wanted to make this mature--I wasn't trying to stalk him or anything. He picked up and was a bit surprised and hesitant to talk to me. I asked him if we were still on break and he said that he was doing fine and thought it would be better to go our separate ways. I asked him why we coudln't work through the things he didn't like, but he said he coudln't. He also told me that he had been talking to people at his work and they knew he was upset so they were trying help him. I just couldn't understand why he didn't come to me--that wasn't like him to go outside our relationship to talk to ppl he hasn't even known 6 months. He said there was nothing I could say to change his mind and that maybe once we had our careers figured out that we would find each other again. I blatantly asked him 5 times if he met someone else, each time the answer was no. He then proceeded to say that I'll always have a place in his heart and that he wanted to keep in contact and be friends. Our conversation was very short as you could tell he was anxious to end it. A day later, I wrote him an email and expressed my thoughts about everything and said that I wanted him to be happy and that if it meant not being with me, then I would have to be okay with it. I left it open to him whether he wanted to respond or not. So since then, I've heard nothing from him. Since the email, I pledged that would be my last try at contact. Crazy enough, the next day his brother's g/f called me about a separate issue and then said that he had just told his parents that we broke up the night before (4 days after we actually did). She said he was really quiet and didn't really give a reason. Quite honestly, i think there is someone else (at work) because he used to talk about this one girl all the time, but I really thought nothing of it because she was very different from me and he always told me she was nothing to worry about as she has a kid from someone else and just wasn't his type. I'd always tease him about her and sometimes he'd get upset saying that it wasn't right for me to say mean things as I didn't even know her, but I was jealous what can I say? Sorry, this is long but I think it's good to get the whole story. What do I do now? There is stuff at his house that is mine. I have stuff of his. If he did find someone else, I wish he would just tell me. He's been avoiding me at all costs, I think I am on his block list on aol as he always used to be on there. One other confusing part of this whole story, just 2 days before we broke up, we had been talking about booking tickets to go on a trip and he was all into it. In addition, he wrote me txt msgs saying he loved me and coudln't wait to see me. I am so confused, my family was shocked to hear the news as well as his (from what his brother's g/f told me) as everyone thought we would get married (he used to tell his mom all the time that I would be around for a very long time). Any advice about any of this would help. I am trying my best to get over him, but it's hard to think that we aren't together anymore as he played a huge part in my life--my life revolved around him--i changed my schedule at work to coordinate with his and we would be on the phone all the time together.

So I have one more thing to ask... maybe I should start a new question, but how and in what ways can I be a good girlfriend for that time when I feel I am ready to start dating again. I obviously haven't gotten it right and thought I knew what I was doing. I really need some advice on this one. If I ever get my heart broken again, I want to be able to walk out of it knowing I wasn't the one who was wrong.

[rol]

Well that's a good new attitude to have.
Maybe you should read men are from mars on a date, it's a very good book dealing with all the phases of a relationship and how men and women differ and how to communicate.

And stay here with us also , there are good new things to learn everyday.

[chuff]

So I have one more thing to ask...maybe I should start a new question, but how and in what ways can I be a good girlfriend for that time when I feel I am ready to start dating again. I obviously haven't gotten it right and thought I knew what I was doing. I really need some advice on this one. If I ever get my heart broken again, I want to be able to walk out of it knowing I wasn't the one who was wrong.

When he speaks listen. Don't talk down to him or make him think that what he's saying is ridicules. Even if it is ridicules if you cut him off enough eventually he's just going to shut down and never say anything because he feels like it won't matter.

Do things he wants to do. Never make it all about you. Be open and suggest things but if he likes to go out and you like to stay in and watch movies, switch it up and take turns.

You said a few posts back that you agreed with him when he said it was 80% you, 20% him. While bring it to 50/50.

Most of all don't give up yourself. Nobody is suggesting to totally flip flop and become an emotional hanger on where he is in complete control. Just adjust your approach and be flexible in certain situations. But if you ever have to do something that is at the expense of your own self worth then he isn't worth it.

[talaniman]

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I guess I have alot to learn, just wish I would have learned it sooner rather than later. Now it's time to make me better because I can't live with myself knowing that people have such a horrible view of me.

We all go through growing pains, if you can honestly look at yourself that's a quality you have that a lot of people don't. So remember we all have our negatives, and positives to so don't take it all one way. We all are so unique, that we love some one even though over time we don't click with them That's just nature, so it pays to go slow in relationships and get to know our partner and ourselves.

[momincali]

"So I have one more thing to ask...maybe I should start a new question, but how and in what ways can I be a good girlfriend for that time when I feel I am ready to start dating again. I obviously haven't gotten it right and thought I knew what I was doing. I really need some advice on this one. If I ever get my heart broken again, I want to be able to walk out of it knowing I wasn't the one who was wrong."

I have to say, I have never seen someone "get it" quite as quick as you seem to. Everyone here has spoken from past experiences and we continue to grow on a daily basis through lots of trial and error. It's when you stop, take a look in the mirror and open your mind up to guidance that we learn the most and that's what you seem to be doing. When you find a loving giving partner, you will see that his love and generosity will double or triple when you give the same. It becomes a lovefest and that's pretty cool to have.

Don't be in a hurry to jump into a new relationship, whether with this guy or someone else. Take your time and choose wisely and behave like someone they would want to come home to. Keep the relationship alive by being flexible, excite him by changing the routine and romance him throughout the relationship the way you would like to be romanced. That doesn't mean buy him flowers, although that's nice, make him his favorite dinner in bed. Give him time with his buddies and take time for yourself without making him feel guilty for wanting to be away. Most importantly, pay attention to him without smothering him, get to know him and you'll know what floats his boat.

[Lacey]

I see one other thing that I know may not be a popular approach by most but... I've found it helpful for me in the past.
It's been said that dealing with the end of a relationship can have similarities to a dealing with a death. I have been married 3 times (5yrs, 18yrs and currently 4yrs) and have had to deal with a couple relationship "deaths". I found that I did best when I gave myself proper "closure"... that's not something that he can give you, you must give it to yourself. You will know what works best for you... in my case, I would gather his "stuff" that you still have and contact him if possible by phone and in a clear and "whatever works for you" approach, ask him if you can meet him someplace to return his things and ask if he could bring yours with him... if he agrees, then meet with him, exchange things, if he will allow it, ask him how his life is going, if he asks let him know that you are doing fine and maybe thankful to him for the kick in the butt to be a better partner next time... then wish him all the best and let him know that you'd love to hear how he's doing once in a while but will understand if you never hear from him again... walk away and mentally close that chapter of your life and look forward to the next chapter knowing you will be a better partner the next time you get involved and in the meantime you are just going to concentrate on being responsible for you and you alone... and... have fun!. you'll find that people will look forward to being around you... and so will that future special someone.

[zakant00]

A week ago, my boyfriend, who I was with for 1 1/2 years, broke up with me totally out of the blue. We are both 23 and had talked about getting married and having kids and I really thought he was the one. I had been in other relationships in the past, that didn't even measure up to this, so I thought for sure I had found my prince and was sure he felt the same way. Anyway, the night started with me getting very upset with him for not calling me (as he usually did for the past 1 1/2 years) when I got out of work. I said some nasty things, but figured it would just clear over. However, this time he said he didn't think he could do this anymore. He told me that he didn't like that I was materialistic and that he felt that our relationship was 80%about me and 20% about him and that things always had to be my way. Now, I'm not saying this may not be true, but the rest of this story just has me confused. I asked him for another chance to show that I indeed love him and want him to be happy too. He said that he didn't want me to change for him because I would eventually start acting that way again (he doesn't believe ppl should change for one another in a relationship--however if it's bad habits (like mine are), i think change is good). I asked him if he had found someone else, he said no. Finally, we settled on taking a break. Two days later--didn't hear a word from him. It was driving me crazy, so on the third day, I blocked my number and called him (i knew he wouldn't pick up if he knew it was me). I wanted to make this mature--I wasn't trying to stalk him or anything. He picked up and was a bit surprised and hesitant to talk to me. I asked him if we were still on break and he said that he was doing fine and thought it would be better to go our separate ways. I asked him why we coudln't work through the things he didn't like, but he said he coudln't. He also told me that he had been talking to people at his work and they knew he was upset so they were trying help him. I just couldn't understand why he didn't come to me--that wasn't like him to go outside our relationship to talk to ppl he hasn't even known 6 months. He said there was nothing I could say to change his mind and that maybe once we had our careers figured out that we would find each other again. I blatantly asked him 5 times if he met someone else, each time the answer was no. He then proceeded to say that I'll always have a place in his heart and that he wanted to keep in contact and be friends. Our conversation was very short as you could tell he was anxious to end it. A day later, I wrote him an email and expressed my thoughts about everything and said that I wanted him to be happy and that if it meant not being with me, then I would have to be okay with it. I left it open to him whether he wanted to respond or not. So since then, I've heard nothing from him. Since the email, I pledged that would be my last try at contact. Crazy enough, the next day his brother's g/f called me about a separate issue and then said that he had just told his parents that we broke up the night before (4 days after we actually did). She said he was really quiet and didn't really give a reason. Quite honestly, i think there is someone else (at work) because he used to talk about this one girl all the time, but I really thought nothing of it because she was very different from me and he always told me she was nothing to worry about as she has a kid from someone else and just wasn't his type. I'd always tease him about her and sometimes he'd get upset saying that it wasn't right for me to say mean things as I didn't even know her, but I was jealous what can I say? Sorry, this is long but I think it's good to get the whole story. What do I do now? There is stuff at his house that is mine. I have stuff of his. If he did find someone else, I wish he would just tell me. He's been avoiding me at all costs, I think I am on his block list on aol as he always used to be on there. One other confusing part of this whole story, just 2 days before we broke up, we had been talking about booking tickets to go on a trip and he was all into it. In addition, he wrote me txt msgs saying he loved me and coudln't wait to see me. I am so confused, my family was shocked to hear the news as well as his (from what his brother's g/f told me) as everyone thought we would get married (he used to tell his mom all the time that I would be around for a very long time). Any advice about any of this would help. I am trying my best to get over him, but it's hard to think that we aren't together anymore as he played a huge part in my life--my life revolved around him--i changed my schedule at work to coordinate with his and we would be on the phone all the time together.

Absolutely, I am not ready for another relationship. While I feel that I do "get it," it doesn't mean you can just change yourself overnight. Each day I try to find ways that I can improve my life, whether it be smiling to random people or just helping someone where I work. I really appreciate all the advice from everyone. I know its going to take a while to get over him, but for my own sake, it needs to be done as I don't want to hold onto hope. My only hope is that I become a better person after this.

[momincali]

Zak, you have the will and that's half the battle. I'm glad you recognize that change doesn't come overnight. We live in such an immediate gratification kind of world that people want stuff on the spot, even if it's unreasonable.

We're here if you need us...