[Elisabeth1967]

My husband and I have been for all intents and purposses, happily married or 18 years.Right at the start of our relationship we laid our cards on the table; told each other of all our faults; this is me,warts 'n' all sort of idea and made a comitment to be open and honest with each other. I saw in him, and still do, a man that I would grow with, evolve with and share the rest of my life with. He was into so much that interests me and knows so much that I put him on a pedalstall and somehow lost a part of myself along the way. We met when my son was 5 months old and he proposed to me a couple of months later. Just before we were married he became bed ridden with fibromyalgia and I have been his carer ever since. He threw himself into reading and studying so he could be in a better position to get a career. About a year after our daughter was born, he had a nervous breakdown and told me to leave him. I wouldn't even contemplate it! He underwent counciling and we moved to Scotland to start a new life. Barely a couple of months after we moved we were in a terrible car crash and are very lucky to have come out of it alive. My husband had barely recovered before he was taking course after course and I looked after him and the kids. I have tried my hardest to give him what he needs and meet the needs of our children and he's doing his best to be in a position to provide for his family. He is again undergoing counciling for anger management. He has deep issues stemming from being sexualy abused as a kid and unfortunately his issues have effected the rest of the family. I also have my own issues stemming from an abusive mother and being brought up as a jehovahs witness, however I have concentrated so much on my husbands incredibly fragile ego that I've neglected my own needs and I'm finding myself unable to cope with the fact that my husband is having suicidal thoughts and tells me how cruel I am to him when I try to reason with him. I don't Know what to do any more. My health is getting worse; I have also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.

[joypulv]

You don't have a question, but I assume that you are asking for ideas about what to do... with a very complicated situation. To get the nitty gritty out of the way first, who is supporting whom, and is it enough to live on comfortably? Has he been working all these years of taking courses, or is he sort of burying himself in school to avoid having to deal with being a provider? Is your child on her own and supporting herself? Are you in a place where mental health services are good?

My advice would be to take a firm stand. It isn't fair to you to have him talk about suicide without someone in the mental health field to be his main and solid support for that! I think you need to test his needs in other ways too, by making more of yours known, letting him know that from now on love is a 2 way street. He was testing YOU way back when he said to leave him. Now it's time for some reciprocity. He may have never felt important, needed, worthwhile in his life, and if you really do need him to change, and love him enough to want him to be part of this, he just might change. If you are his suffering servant, he just feels even more worthless, right? Tell him you love him enough to refuse to do it anymore.

As for fibromyalgia, keep in mind that the medical community doesn't even all agree that it is a worthwhile diagnosis, since it can't be seen or explained in terms of cause and cure. Like neuritis and neuralgia, it's pain of unknown etiology. You were both in a car accident, and scar tissue and even deep old bruises can press on nerves for life, and long term arthritis type aches and pains will result, especially since you are both under stress. When doctors won't take the time to find each source of pain they sometimes use a catch all diagnosis. (I'm not saying it doesn't exist!) Hot baths, a good mattress, gentle exercise, good diet, meditation, deep breathing, less stress - before you jump on some designer drug for this 'disease.'