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Wisehelpneeded · Dec 30, 2010, 09:29 AM

My boyfriend is 29 and has been single for most of he's life. He's a very active guy and has a LOT of friends. Though they are mainly girls. These girls still text him a lot and want to meet up with him. One girl, was a girl he used to go to the cinema with. Surely he cannot expect me to be happy with him still going alone with other girls. The thing that bugs me is that he will say "Oh Im going for a meal with Lisa on Tuesday, will ask her if partners can come" Why should these girls decided whether I can go ou with my boyfriend! And also he will text them back straight away even when with me. This infuriates me. Hes not the jealous type and I don't think he would mind if I saw male friends. On Christmas eve morning he had a girl round to exchange gifts and only told me afterwards as he knew I wouldn't like it! The thing that really worries me is- Even though I know he won't cheat, has he asked any of these girls out? Because if so and they've turned him down I don't like the though that these girls think they still have a chance and can text him when they want! Please please help wise people!
Any advice welcome please. Its horrible being made to feel like this.

answerme_tender · Dec 30, 2010, 09:50 AM

He is 29yrs, so don't expect him to change his ways dealing with his friends!! Basically this is a decision your going to have to make--is this something that you can accept and be okay with or NOT. If not then you are going to have to possibly move on.

If you make a big deal about this entire situation, I can pretty much guarantee he is going to want you to move on, some people will choose their friends over a girlfriend. Good luck with your choice.

Wisehelpneeded · Dec 30, 2010, 09:52 AM

Thank you I appreciate any advice. I have spoken to him and he is the one who says I love you, this can work etc, my friends will be yours." But if he goes out with them alone how can they be my friends?

redhed35 · Dec 30, 2010, 09:54 AM

If he has been single perhaps he sees nothing wrong in what he's doing,and to a point really there is nothing wrong,only he does not know where to draw the line.

The thing to remember,and it's a lesson I learned the hard way about men, is that he is not a mind reader.

You see,men and women see things differantly,I'm sure you know this,and I think going by your post that he is perfectly innocent,but he's learning (the christmas morning episode!)...

Sit him down,and nicely ask him about what he expects from you and the bounderies he expects from your relationship.

The conversation may be totally new for him and he may be out of his comfort zone,if he does not say much,at least he has food for thought.

Try and have a couples night out as well as seeing friends,freedom in a relationship for both of you is important.

Don't overreact when the texts come in,he's not hiding them nor the fact he sees he female friends,which,god love him he probably has not got a clue it upsets you so much.

Be honest without being needy nor clingy nor jealous,be a full grown women who is secure in herself and expects good behaviour from her boyfriend, and you can help nourish your relationship by giving him space to see his friends while you do your thing.

Be confident and strong,keep a cool head say your peace nicely and let him take it from there.

answerme_tender · Dec 30, 2010, 10:18 AM

I am dating a gentelman who openly states that one of his best friends is a single female. He values her friendship and advice. Now I know she is with someone, but my point is that I wasn't at all concerned about their friendship for couple of reasons. The one reason I wanted to advise you is this---If he wanted her or vise versa they would already been together and he wouldn't of been looking for ME!! It is just a friendship, they have no romatic feelings, and the other reason Iam not worried is my own self confidence.

Remember he didn't want any of those friends of his to be his partner, he wanted YOU!!

bobthebehr · Dec 30, 2010, 11:32 AM

I'm the female version of your BF, and my BF hates that I'm friends with mainly guys. I wouldn't try to stop him from communicating with his friends because that isn't fair. What you can discuss with him is how you hate that he answers right away and can't revel in his moments with you because he's glued to his phone. It seems like you just need to know that out of all these girls you matter most and he's not currently fufilling that need. Lay down some boundaries and let him know that there are lines that can be crossed. If you fully communicate how you feel and if he cares enough he'll change his behavior. I know that any man that talked with me about my dude friends and let me know the issues he has with them I've understood. These girls may think they have a chance and the only thing that stops them would be your man. There's a reason he's not with these girls and with you. You can't stop what these girls think about your man or even the way they may act toward him. The only thing you can really do is communicate to your BF what, who, and how these things bother him and perhaps what you want to change.

talaniman · Dec 30, 2010, 11:39 AM

This sounds like a very new dating relationship, where the boundaries of good behavior have not been set, and you don't know enough about him to trust him. You also must expect him to change everything he does because you are dating. That's not fair.

He has been doing his thing for 29 years, so how old are you and how long is this bf/gf thing been going on? Then I can understand better what is driving your insecurity/curiosity, and why you simply have not talked about it.

Wisehelpneeded · Dec 30, 2010, 11:58 AM

I am 24, he is 29. We have dated for five months. He says he loves me and I do believe him. One of the thing that troubled me at first is he said he's asked friends out in the past and been turned down. How do I know he doesn't see these girls?

I have told him how I feel and he says I am the only girl for him...

talaniman · Dec 30, 2010, 05:00 PM

When you trust someone why worry about perceived competition? Is this your first boyfriend that had female friends? Why do I get the impression you are not that secure and you trust him not as much as you say. Have you been cheated on before?

Homegirl 50 · Dec 30, 2010, 05:23 PM

Sounds to me like the guy is very casual in dating and everythingthing else. He says he loves you yet has not problem with you hanging out with the guys cause he hangs out with the girls and you have only been dating 5 months. Is this relationship exclusive?
This is who he is and is not likely going to change. You have to decide if you want to deal with it.

Alty · Dec 30, 2010, 05:35 PM

My best friend is a guy I not only dated, but my first. After 23 years we're still friends, and only friends.

Hubby is okay with it because he knows that I'm committed to him, and only to him. Friends are friends, male or female, it shouldn't matter.

If you trust him, than who cares what these girls think? To him they're just friends, and you're the one he wants to be with.

talaniman · Dec 31, 2010, 10:31 AM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...-539119-2.html

Maybe this explains some of her insecurities.

lemomo · Mar 8, 2012, 10:43 PM

Has this situation worked out for you? How did your conversation go?

My boyfriend sounds identical. He constantly meets his female friends for coffee, meals, cinema. He is texting non-stop, and I don't enjoy hanging out with him and his female friends, because he excludes me from the conversation. I trust him, as I'm sure you do your boyfriend, but, it seems that it is a situation of like it or lump it. I can't change him, and I like him too much to end things. I also don't want to come across as jealous, needy or insecure. This is a difficult situation.