[suzyq4]

I found this link my looking on line for help to fix the rift between my daughter (22) and myself. It is comforting to know I am not the only one been subject to such disrespect and being blamed of being a bad parent.
9 years ago her father and I separated. I had a breakdown and suffered depression, while he moved on with another woman. Her father has manipulated stories to make me look like the witch and has driven my daughter from me over the last 5 years. I have been trying to explain and tell her my side of things but she just won't listen. What her father says is gospil.
She has now told me that I may not be invited to her wedding because if I come her father won't be there. I cannot believe a grown man can act like a child and put his daughter in a position she has to choose what parent can go to her wedding. And why can he not put aside his issues for one day while his child gets married?? I don't like the guy, but I can't put that aside for 1 day just to see my daughter get married. I am so worried that in years to come she will regret her decision and as we all know we cannot chage the past and do it all again
I know if I just rock up she will blame me if her father storms off and I'll still be a bad mother for not turning up!
I don't know what to do and wonder if anyone has any sugestions how to handle this matter?

[joypulv]

I would take the soft and gentle path. Tell her that all that matters is that you love her and want her to be happy, but are hurt that he would deliver such an ultimatum. Leave it at that - no hurt from her actions, no other recriminations about him. Try to put behind you all that she has picked up from her father (she may change in a year or 2, such as if she has a baby). Then I would ask her if you can make a suggestion. If she says yes, say that you could be there surrounded by these 5 people (4, 6, whatever, your new husband perhaps?), sitting as far across the aisle as possible from him, and promise not to even look at him or speak to him or be photographed with him, even for propriety. If she wants to get back to you about it, stop right there, say oh thanks, and wait!

[gemmax]

As moms, it is my belief that our children always expect us to be the ones to make everything okay. When we cannot, such as in a divorce situation, we usually are blamed for it all. I think the best thing that you can do for your daughter is to validate her feelings by just saying " I can understand why you might see it that way". Do not defend yourself, it is normally useless, and please do not say anything about her father unless she asks you a direct question. If that happens, be as positive as you possibly can. Do not allow him to seem right if he is bad mouthing you.She will see the contrast between the two of you if you remain calm. Don't crowd her with too much love. And most of all, do not make her feel burdened by your sadness. Is she getting married right now? It would be nice if you could go, but if you are not invited then you are not and you will have to live with that. This situation needs some defusing. It is much to hot. Just back off for awhile. If you do, you might be surprised at the results. Do not take the bait on ultimatums and do not call her. Let her call you. This is very hard. I know from personal experience. But it will help more than anything else. Give her some real room. She is being manipulated and crowded by her father. Do not add to that.