[kaylalk]

Hi, so my boyfriend and I have been dating for awhile now. We've been living together for about 9-10 months. We used to have sex and stuff all the time, our relationship was great. I've gained weight and I've been super insecure that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. Sometimes we do it and won't finish. I try to make moves all the time. He tells me he doesn't want me to "ask for sex" and that he wants it to be spontaneous. Sometimes I'll give him a look and he'll just say no right off the bat.

So basically I've been trying to give him blowjobs, either by waking him up with a blowjob or giving him one during the day. The answers are always the same "I'm too tired, I'm not in the mood, wait half an hour I just want to rest right now". He hasn't been doing a lot of stuff. I was up earlier than him today and I still have motivation to have sex.

It's just frustrating and at this point I don't know what to do anymore. When I try to touch him a lot of the time he'll push my hands away. I try to be sneaky and spontaneous about it and he still won't do it. Tonight I was asking him why he doesn't want to and he said he did just give him half an hour, so I did and then when I asked him about it he said he was exhausted.

It's the same when it comes to napping with me, he says he's exhausted but then won't cuddle with me. Or if neither of us have showered yet I suggest we do it together and he'll say he doesn't feel like it right now, so I say OK I'll wait, and he tells me to just go do it by myself. He just doesn't want to do anything with me anymore and it's starting to get really really upsetting.

[thebundaking]

First, gaining weight does NOT make you unattractive. Even if that's his opinion, it isn't fact. Fact is LOTS of guys (myself included) LOVE bigger girls. So try not to take his issues personally - you're beautiful just the way you are. If he has lost sight of that, its his problem not yours.

Second, I've dealt with this situation myself (in the reverse - I'm a guy) and you need to trust your instinct. You feel rejected because you ARE being rejected. Its not about being exhausted or needing a few extra minutes of napping. These are often rationalizations meant to avoid answering the difficult questions, i.e. should we break up? Breaking up isn't easy for the person getting dumped OR the person doing the dumping - it sucks all around and people live with high degrees of misery to avoid it. But you shouldn't.

Third, at this point you can do two things. Blatantly ask him if he's still attracted to you and why your sexlife is in the ****ter, and if he responds positively, try to work it out. Or, admit to yourself that you're not happy, don't bother with reasoning it through, and just end it. Sometimes that's the better thing to do. There's a high likelihood that whatever problem he has with you, you're not going to be able to fix, so don't try, and don't sit there in misery wondering why. Just move on.

Hope that helps.

[Cat1864]

Because our bodies do change as we get older, how old are both of you? How long have you been together as a couple?

Everything I can suggest boils down to communicate openly and honestly with him about what is going on. Sit down with him when there are no other distractions and discuss the problem. DO NOT try to place blame on anyone. Listen to what he says and if you aren't quite sure what he is saying ask for clarification. DO NOT read your own meaning into what he is saying. Get everything out on the table. If it starts turning into an argument, take a break. Calm down and then continue.

Be honest about health and fitness issues. Both yours and his. He may have worries about his health and/or yours that could be affecting how he thinks about sex.

Look at what has changed since he started pulling away. It may not even have anything to do with you. There could be other stresses that started the problem and have been enhanced by your insecurity. People forget how much stress affects every aspect of our lives especially our libidos.

Stop trying to force the issue physically. After a point it stops being an attempt at seduction and turns into an assault. Trying to catch him 'unaware' is not a good thing if he isn't wanting to be caught. Trying to wake him up with oral sex when you know he isn't wanting it is a bad idea and could be causing more problems.

Work on other ways to help yourself feel more secure. Insecurity can be a big turn off. Self-confidence can be a big turn on. It could be doing anything that helps you feel good about yourself from changing your hairstyle to volunteering to working out or even learning a new skill/hobby. Changing your perception of yourself can have a huge impact on how others react to you.

[joypulv]

If he can't talk about what's going on, it's time to find someone new.
If he can talk and says he just doesn't want it anymore, and you do, it's time to move on.
People assume that all men want sex all the time - not true.
Some men want to initiate sex and some men like women to.
If you don't know where he stands, your relationship needs work in general.
If you don't want to leave him, suggest a compromise: he cuddles with you and you promise to stop initiating sex. (That may be just what is needed.)

[ladylikealot]

The Same thing is happening with me and my boyfriend. He and I have been together for 5 years now, and the past year or so I've been part-time (unofficially) living at his place. He is actually in the other room right now "doing" himself. He says he just likes doing it himself in the morning. If it was only in the mornings it wouldn't be an issue..

My biggest guesses as to what is wrong in our situation is that he and I are two years apart (I'm older) and that 4 years ago, I broke up with him. It hurt him pretty badly, but it was something I needed to do for myself. We got back together within a year, but he has been breaking up with me and "taking breaks" on and off ever since. I think he never really forgave me for breaking up with him and I've tried to be patient, but it's been so long, and I really DO love him. I don't think I should pay for a past mistake anymore, but I'm pretty hopelessly devoted to him..