[Sirkka]

Hi,
Should I be worried about the SMS that my husband wrote to one woman when he was out of town where he begins with Mine and end with Yours? He also refers to them to meet later.
Sirkka

[Eileen G]

We'd need to know more about the text to know. It's perfectly possible for a man to have a friendly relationship with another woman without it being anything more than friendship. If he's happy for you to see the texts, the chances are it's no more than that. If he's hiding them, I would start to worry.

[Jake2008]

Obviously you feel you have a reason to snoop on his phone. Why are you suspicious, and why are you snooping.

If I read this right, you saw only two words; 'mine' and 'yours'- was there anything between those words? What words or sentences gave you the impression that they were meeting later. Do you know this person?

Was this person a work colleague?

It is near impossible, without more information, to decipher meaning from the little information you have so far given.

[Sirkka]

Thank you for your answer! That's what he´s saying about it... it´s a friendship. But, his hiding the messeges. He´s on a congress in a foreign country, far away from home. He lefts on his birthday, the congress begins following day(tuesday)...


Thanks for your comment. I write a little bit more about it in my answer down below.

On a congress in a foreign country. He lefts home 30/8.I found hidden messages in his phone ;
The first message is before the congress has began!
1)20100831 7:54 Mine, Yours!
2) 20100831 8:33 Mine, We end between 4 and 5 today. We have lunchbreak around 12:30 but don't,t know if that is together with all or if we split. Yours! 3)20100831 16:52 Mine, are you somewhere? Text a reply :) Yours!
4)20100831 17:24 Will you run with me? Or are you far away on a tour?
5) 20100901 11:39 Where are you?
When I found this he says that he needs to talk with other women. That's OK for me... but I don´t think this is only talking its about. What do you think?

[Jake2008]

You could very well be right, and then again, you could very well be wrong. I'd say the only thing you are sure of is that you don't trust him.

This isn't about what may or may not be going on- i.e. an affair- as much as it is about you being unable to express to your husband, that you are uncomfortable with him spending time with another woman. Use what you are concerrned about, to just ask him about it, without accusing him, without anger, without drama. Just tell him you are a bit more sensitive to how he spends his time, while he is away from you, and it makes you feel insecure. Try not to make this about you reacting to something you only think he did. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and be clear that it is you that is struggling with this.

You are entitled to how you feel! And you are entitled, as his wife, to have a talk to him, expressing those feelings. They belong to you, and you should be able to express them without hesitation. That's what marriage is all about. Communicating needs, no matter what the need actually is.

If there isn't anything going on, and you are happy that this work friend just happens to be a female work friend, insead of a male work friend, then ask him to humour you by communicating more while he is away from home. A quick phone call, an email, just to know what is going on in his life, so that you maintain communication and don't feel so alone.

My husband travels a lot, and it isn'optional that he can choose not to call home every day. This isn't because I don't trust him, but because I need to hear his voice, or read his words in an email, to keep that lifeline alive and well.

I would more worry if he suddenly didn't communicate, and I couldn't reach him, or didn't know which city or hotel he was staying in. I just call that kind of communication, 'keeping everybody honest'.

Please just talk to him and tell him how you are feeling, and you need to hear from him more. Maybe the next time he is home you can plan something really special with him- a nice dinner, a house party, a welcome home gift, the list is endless.

In the meanwhile, try not to jump to any conclusions, and assume he is guilty of something.

[Sirkka]

Thank you for your help! I´m really glad for your advises!


I really want to believe my husband. It started about a half year ago, by accident, I saw an SMS on his mobile phone that read: "I´m in Rome and wish you were here my love". I really got chocked and I talked about it with my husband and he assured that it was only about a woman he used to talk to on the internet. I believed him... and now I find the other messages he have written to a woman on the congress. I got really sad and depressed about the hole thing... can I trust him?

[answerme_tender]

Is it possible for you to travel with him any?

[Homegirl 50]

I really want to believe my husband. It started about a half year ago, by accident, I saw an SMS on his mobile phone that read: "I´m in Rome and wish you were here my love". I really got chocked and I talked about it with my husband and he assured that it was only about a woman he used to talk to on the internet. I believed him...and now I find the other messages he have written to a woman on the congress. I got really sad and depressed about the hole thing...can I trust him?

Sounds fishy to me. You need to talk to him.
I really believe that if your husband is cheating you will know it. If you get a feeling, deal with it, don't ignore it.
It could be nothing but it will bug you if you don't at least discuss it

[Jake2008]

" "I´m in Rome and wish you were here my love".----now THAT to me, is more substantial than what you have this time. I think I understand now why you are suspicious; most likely his interpretation of the Rome text has caused some unresolved issues for you, that have surfaced again, and have become more meaningful with the latest twist.

All I can say is, I hope that you resolve this one way or the other. If you cannot trust your husband, that, over time, will destroy your marriage, and tear you apart. If he would consider counselling, perhaps that would make it easier to get some good conversation going.

[Sirkka]

Sometime it is. Latest it was summer 2009 when we were in Cairo. I also have a full-time job. We have not shared economy, I pay myself for my travels and I do not earn as much as I can afford to come along so often.

[answerme_tender]

Sirkka,

I agree that your instincts are telling you something isn't right. The question is what do you want to do if he is cheating? Are you willing to try and save this marriage by going to counseling?

My suggestion is no matter what the out come is, I really feel that counseling could help you. This is a person who will listen to what you are going through,feeling, without judgement. A safe place that you can go and talk, get things off your chest per say. This person can also give suggestions on how approach your husband. When we get hurt, we tend to lash out without thinking rationally.

I wish you the best, please keep us posted.

[MattHEwur]

Yes, you should be worried. BE VERY WORRIED!

[Sirkka]

It´s some time ago I wrote here... lot of things have happened lately.
I found out that my husband has a internet affair with a woman in USA. In their conversations he tells her that he will figured out how he will leave the life here with me and come to USA to his new love. He tells her that he loves her and want her. I don´t know if they have seen each other or not... we were in Chicago this summer (she lives in Morris, near Chicago) and my husband will not want to talk about it, if they have met or not. Anyway.. my husband says that he will not move to USA and that he still loves me. I suspicious and I don´t trust him. Should I contact the woman in USA? He says that they don´t have contact with each other anymore. I know that I can´t own my partner but I can not have it on this way either. How should I do? I wan´t to trust him, but how?

[Homegirl 50]

You don't need to contact this woman, this is between you and your husband.
Perhaps you two can do some counseling.
It will take time.

[Jake2008]

You say he 'has' an internet affair going on, and then you say that they don't have contact anymore. So, which is it.

If he is continuing contact with her, and telling her he's going to figure out how to leave you, to be with her, then my advice to you is to see a lawyer and protect your assets including lines of credit, and credit cards.

If he isn't still involved with another woman, then figuring out how to trust him is not something anybody can advise you on. You either do, or you don't.

One option you have to learn the truth for sure, is to hire a private detective.

[Sirkka]

Thank you for your advises. My english is not perfect... its my 3rd language. What I mean is that I don´t know if he is telling the truth... its only what he is telling me, I have´t seen it. He has changed every password to his computers and phones.

[talaniman]

Until you reach an agreement in terms of boundaries of good behavior, protect yourself, and whatever assets you have, and make sure you have a plan in place to do for yourself. I urge you to be frank about your concerns to him.

Why should you be expect to tolerate his emotional cheating on the net? Though I doubt he will act on it because its safe, and easy from afar. I believe this is more about feeding his ego, than making future plans but, I really don't know. That's something to find out though, because its still wrong, and causes mistrust, and all kinds of emotional problems for you both.

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.