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MaggieHache · Dec 12, 2010, 03:05 AM

She is at college, and getting good grades. She has a group of friends who all seem nice kids. But she is out of control at home. She got a part time job (4 hours on a Saturday) in a prestigious department store, went three times, then refused to go again, saying it was boring. She depends on me for all her financial needs, and I can't afford anything other than lunch money, bus fare and keeping her fed, warm and clothed. I am unable to pay for her days out with friends etc and she is kicking off about this big style. She did have a paper round on a Sunday but has stopped doing this as well so she has no extra income whatsoever. This morning, after a heated argument about her demands for money yet again, she turned her music up so loud and refused to turn it down, punched me in the jaw then tried to throttle me when I tried to intervene - 8am on a Sunday morning is NOT the right time for playing rock music at full pelt, certainly not in a residential area. Everything is just going wrong and I don't know what to do. She is a big strong girl, taller than me, and her violence scares me. But she is still a child. What can I do?

tickle · Dec 12, 2010, 05:04 AM

When she punched and throttled you you should have put in a police report on her and charged her with assault. Could be she needs something to draw her up short and she obviously has some deep seated anger issues. If she becomes physically violent again, or is that way normally, you will have to report her to the police. Initiate some tough love here so she realizes you are not a stepping stone on the road to financial security.

What does her father have to say about her actions and the way she treats you?

Tick

MaggieHache · Dec 12, 2010, 08:51 AM

Tickle, her father, my husband, is working away until tonight. He advised me to call the police and get her arrested and charged with assault. But a criminal conviction will impact on the rest of her life. The majority of jobs theses days ask for a Criminals Record Bureau check.
I'm not prepared to do that.
There must be some other way of dealing with a violent, aggressive child that doesn't involve criminal proceedings.

tickle · Dec 12, 2010, 09:07 AM

Originally Posted by MaggieHache

Tickle, her father, my husband, is working away until tonight. He advised me to call the police and get her arrested and charged with assault. But a criminal conviction will impact on the rest of her life. The majority of jobs theses days ask for a Criminals Record Bureau check.
I'm not prepared to do that.
There must be some other way of dealing with a violent, aggressive child that doesn't involve criminal proceedings.

Yes, you do have to look to the future in her regard, but, and there is a big BUT, what if she continues to be violently aggressive into the future, if so, she will have a criminal record if she assaults someone other then her own family. She is lucky and I don't think she appreciates it. One has to be responsible for ones own actions and you are denying her this in your own way. A criminal record (and it may not be that even if she is arrested for assaulting her own mother) and from what you describe, the assault was bad enough for matricide and that is definitely a sentence. Don't think I am going over the top here, but it could have come to that.

Look at it this way. If she was charged, a judge may look at all aspects of her home life, or curriculum (you said she was a good student), no prior convictions and only put her out for counselling so she may learn to control violent life threatening impulses as she displayed with you. That was in no way right towards her own mother. I would go so far as to say she may be mentally unstable in some way. Don't take offence, I am just giving you a lot to think about and work around.

Tick

MaggieHache · Dec 12, 2010, 09:26 AM

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it. I wish there was a rewind button on life sometimes, she was an adorable child.

tickle · Dec 12, 2010, 09:52 AM

May you have to rewind and figure out where it went wrong. Was she bullied in school? Could that have been the trigger? Sometimes there is a good reason for this kind of behavior. You just have to find what triggered it. Good luck.

There will be others with their two cents chiming in, maggie, so check back and see what suggestions and insights others have.
Tick

peachpit · Dec 13, 2010, 12:26 AM

Sounds like she has been spoiled. Some jobs are boring, tell her to get over herself- money doesn't grow on trees and she needs to learn that she has to actually work to get what she wants in life- whether she like it or not. I agree with tickle, if she hits you again, you have every right to call the police. You don't have to press charges, but she needs to know that as a maturing woman there are serious consequences to her actions. I came from a very strict household, and if I was to ever hit my mother, I wouldn't have hands to type with right now. I think that you two should probably seek family counseling to help work out her issues with you, and where this violence is stemming from. If you really are terrified of her hurting you again, next time she comes at you like that, threaten her with pepper spray.

Lyfes2short · Aug 22, 2012, 06:05 AM

I'ma give it to you straight, I WISH my daughter would THINK about putting her hands on my in a violent way! Bet that I WOULD knock the sh&* out of her! Get some balls and handle your business, that's not acceptable in no way shape or form. I;m not a violent person and take it you aren't either, but I draw the line when I need to protect myself. We shouldn't hit them and they shouldn't hit us, period. Self-defense is what I've been taught, my mother spanked me until I was 11 or 12 which was very rare, I never hit mother and she never hit me again. Charges will only make things worse, handle your business. And at this point its over, and you have to talk to her and let her know her actions were unacceptable and will not be tolerated.