[fjustin]

My wife was rape before we got together and I did not know until recently. We have been married for a little over six years, about three years are marriage was not going good and I did the worse thing I could do. I started talking to woman online sexually; it never went any farther than that, my wife found out about it. We talk for several weeks and she forgave me and we have been happy since. Until about three weeks ago she told me she was not in love with me anymore, this came out of the blue and I did not see it coming. Then she put up this big wall, and she is not letting anything in or out. After me talk to her for the past few weeks she got angry one night and told me why she has this wall up. She told me before we meet she had a DNC and about a month after that the same man she was with raped her. I asked why she never shared this with me and she said she has never told anyone about it and that is why her wall is there it makes her the person she is today. Since that night I have been reading information from the web about rape victims. I know what I did was terrible, but at the same time I know my wife and the way she is acting now it is not her. What I have found out on the web is that what I did may have triggered sometime inside of her and brought up her past rape issues. I am just trying to find out what I can do to help her; I do not know where to start because I think I am the one fueling what she is feeling. And she says she will not talk to anyone about it or what she is feeling. Where do I start and what can I do??

[blondndisguise5]

This is really tricky but it sound like you are a really good man besides the emails and want to keep your marriage strong. A huge issue here obviously is trust and commitment and making sure they are consistently validated. Rape is a horrible thing because it takes such a beautiful action that two people can perform together, and destroys it in many ways. A huge thing to remember is that things will work out and always stay open and hopeful. Sometimes when we are dealing with hurt we wall up and we push those we love away and convince ourselves of not loving someone or loving someone and make up reasons but to us they feel legitimate. I think maybe, in the best way that she will react because you know her and I don't, but suggest seeing a therapist together. Depending on her personality you can bring it up in a variety of ways. What I would do is be like, "Hey, so ever since I hurt you I have felt that there is a lot I want to say but I am not sure how to say it because its in my heart but I can not seem to make sense of it with my head. Would you mind seeing a marriage counselor with me so I can discover what it is that is off. I feel like maybe he could help both of us if you did want to have someone who is trained and has experience help you with the rape event you told me earlier. I really love and respect that I am the only one you have told but I am not sure how to best support you and I really want to be there for you and help you through this. I feel like you opening up to me was an amazing feet and opened the door to helping us grow in our relationship and be even stronger"

I do not really know her personality though or yours but any variation would be my advice. Best of luck and remember that life works out, and you love her and she loves you.

Not sure if I helped in any way. I am not married so I know I am in a different life place.