[sadbeanie]

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year.
I had so much fun, was really happy with him (he still gave me butterflies in my tummy even up to the day when I found out he cheated on me). I felt really loved and he always took really good care of me.

I found out he cheated on me when I came across his email (which was logged on on my computer) and saw all these lovely messages that was sent back and forth between him and this girl. I confronted him on it and he said he's met her at a party about 6 months ago and they exchanged numbers. And they met again about 1 month earlier to have dinner together and he felt attraction to her (physically and emotionally). He knew that she was going to leave the country and he'll get to have his cake and eat it. He's only really met her a couple of times and they have had sex twice but it seems evident in the emails that they sent that he doesn't have as strong feelings for her, as she does for him.

The week before I found out, he was really nice to me, took really good care of me as I was really sick. My feelings for him at that point grew even more, as I thought I've found someone who is willing to put in the hard work with me when things are bad. And then to find out he was cheating on me, came as a massive shock. Especially, since we went on a trip together that I organized and we had a great time but he continued his "relationship" with her even after we came back.

He told me that he wanted a 2nd chance with me and I'm more than willing to give it to him, as I really do love him a lot. (more than I should) So the last few days, he has been bringing me to doctors and hospitals because I'm really sick. But he mentioned a couple of times while spending time together, that we should spend some time apart, so I can think more clearly about our relationship. (we didn't exactly have a cooling off period) And that I should be prepared that we'll probably break up in the end anyway because he ****ed up. And that I deserve a lot better than him. It definitely does seem like he's letting to break up with me now on a more gentle ground. Even though he keeps saying that he still loves me and cares for me.

He said that we had issues in our relationship which I never really knew about since he never talked about it :

1. intimacy - he no longer felt like he wanted/had to kiss me
2. sex - sex for him felt like a chore because he can't feel as much as he is on antidepressants atm and I have a slightly heavier/thicker vaginal fluids than most girls and he can't feel as much.
3. commitment - he said he couldn't really see a future with us together but it is also partly because he hasn't figured out what he wants to do with his own life yet.

Logically, I know everything points to a big sign that says "NO", that I have to get over him. But all I want is to have him back in my life because I felt happy with him. And the last couple of days when he was taking care of me, it felt right, I felt happy.

Right now my plan is to start NC, and perhaps see how I feel in a while. Even though he said that he wants to get back together, all I feel inside is like I don't really know what he wants. I'm not exactly sure what my question here is but maybe some advice / suggestions etc will help. Thanks!

[kaka67]

Logically, I know everything points to a big sign that says "NO", that I have to get over him. But all I want is to have him back in my life because I felt happy with him. And the last couple of days when he was taking care of me, it felt right, i felt happy.

You felt happy with him that's understandable, but, it was all based on lies and deceit on his part.

Do you really want more of that?

If he had issues in the relationship then he should have spoken to you about it and both of you worked together to sort things out.

Not go off and screw some chick, not once, but twice.

Is this the type of gutless man you want in your life and as an example to your future children?

[Just Looking]

I have read your post from August 2009 where you had just broken up with your boyfriend of 7 years. This current relationship is a little over a year old. I'm wondering if you allowed yourself time to work on the issues you mentioned in 2009 - becoming more independent, concentrating on developing your work life, and maturing. Since you mentioned then being a recent college graduate, I'm guessing you are in your early 20's.

This current boyfriend has told you that he doesn't see a long-term future with you and that he wants to concentrate on his career. I agree that there is a big sign that this relationship has run its course. I would let him go before he hurts you further. Think about where you are in life and where you want to be, and make that your focus. There are plenty of men out there - you don't have to settle for what he's offering. Take time to heal from this (and possibly the longer term relationship?) before you get seriously involved with someone else. You have a lot going for yourself. If you can concentrate on developing yourself even further and becoming mature and independent, you will have even better choices for your future - and not just in the area of men.

I hope you are feeling better. Make your health your number one priority for now.

[Andrew916]

Kaka's right- a relationship based on lies is no relationship at all. It's sad to say but you loved him for what you knew about him- which was evidently nothing. If my partner had been talking to another guy intimately for 6 months AND had sex with them twice I wouldn't even hesitate to leave them. He's bad news and if you want a better future you need to move on. You certainly deserve better than him.

-Drew

[JoeSwede]

I wouldn't stay too close to someone who takes anti-depressants and then cheats on you. This is a down hill spiral in which he needs the kick of cheating on you as a form av anti depressant.

I myself have been cheated on and forgave her. In retrospect, almost 3 years later, I wish I hadn't. I made a choice in where I stayed, sure I met a lot of good people along the line through her but when she crossed the line, gone on anti depressants and really just being emotional wreck I should have reacted. I suppose there were some instincts in me that wanted to take care of her. Summary: A person like that is really not one who you want to waste any more time with. There are better people out there and I know I'm not the only one of them.

[talaniman]

Go strict NC, and build a life that you enjoy without him in it.

You can't build a darn thing with a cheater. What if he hadn't got caught? Then what?

You would be looking like a foolish dummy, that's what!

[JoeSwede]

NC is the golden route.

[Aleeravilu]

He just took care of you because he felt guilty and wanted cover for his wrongful action. After reading everything you wrote up there, the guy sounds like a real coward to me, a sneaky, deceiving coward. And he doesn't have any idea what he wants to do in his life?? How old is he again? 12? Even a 12 child, if educated right and have a wise mind, has at least some ideas what he/she wants to become in the future.
All those reasons he made were just excuses for his behavior and his non-exist desire to be with you.
Because really, just because you can't have sex with a person anymore doesn't mean that you are no longer suitable. There are so many couples I know that don't even have sex but they still love each other so very dearly.
Leave him for your own good.
Think for your future.
Try to do something else, anything to keep your mind of him.
(Go NC if you can, but now you said that you are very sick, that might be a bit hard. But do try though)
And most importantly, Live Your Life. A life Without Him.

[loveengineer]

I wrote an article on cheating. Basically pointing out the hard scientific stats http://loveengineer.com/4460/cheating-relationships-stats-men-women/ I have learned from my own experience, even if they have done tons of counseling, learned from their mistakes "Once a cheater always a cheater". Their brains are wired are enjoy forbidden fruit more then what is in front of them.