[PeaceandGood]

I'll start by saying that this is my first post, and I sincerely appreciate any advice you may have.

Two days before Halloween, my girlfriend of nearly four years told me that she needs a break. She said she was feeling smothered and needed time and space for herself. She said that she hadn't been "into" the relationship for the past two weeks, and thought that the only way to possibly fix what we had is to break up and work on ourselves.

She is a recent college grad- living at home and looking for a job. She doesn't have a car, so her mom drives her to and from work nearly every day- she works at a coffee shop (inconsistent hours which I know stresses her out.) As a 22 year old adult, I can see how these things have caused her to lose sight of herself. On top of that, she felt like I was becoming a bit overbearing and starting to smother her. I live about two hours away, and I relied a bit too much on her to make me feel like I didn't live alone. I wasn't trying to be, but I think I showed some sings of jealousy. To my defense, she had said things like "oh, I like it when you're jealous, it shows me you care." Hearing that caused me not to bite my tongue when I felt left out or jealous. She eventually told me that she felt like she couldn't tell me anything because she didn't know how I would react. I didn't think I was particularly harsh at all, but I understand where she's coming from.

We truly have a wonderful relationship. Due to our work schedules, most of our communication takes place through text messages- something we know causes most of our disagreements. They're never full blown arguments... just miscommunication.

We went a few weeks talking on the phone once a week or so, but she would send me a text informing me about a concert, or "liking" something on my Facebook page. (I realize I should not look too far into Facebook, but I've been left to sort through every little crumb she throws my way.) She later told me that the conversations were a bit overwhelming because I was trying to feel out where we stood.

I eventually stood up for myself last week and told her that I have been an incredible boyfriend, and she may regret throwing me away. Perhaps I should have watched my tone. She got upset and hung up. We resumed our conversation and I asked her if she wanted me permanently out of her life. She said that she doesn't want me gone for good, but we're broken up. She acknowledged the fact that she may regret her decision, but she knows she needs to be on her own for now. She said that she was so ready to settle down and be together forever and she was madly in love with me, but just isn't feeling that way anymore... can those emotions just disappear in such a brief period? Again, nothing particularly damaging happened- no cheating, lying, etc.

She has been going out with her girlfriends and having fun/blowing off some steam. She has also been applying to jobs and working hard... she's definitely focusing on herself, which is good. I also know she is not dating anyone else or interested in meeting anyone.

I realize that the best chance that I have of getting her back is to give her space and time to cool off. I understand that no contact is the smartest option, but I am nervous that she will not contact me. She is relatively stubborn, but I am hoping that with Christmas and my bithday (Dec. 26) fast approaching, she will start to miss me and question her decision.

Has anyone out there felt like they needed to be independent only later to realize they were happy with the relationship and gone back to their ex? Do you think the holidays will influence her emotions even in the slightest bit? Do you agree with no contact for the time being? I know each situation is different, but any inclination as to how long something like this can take? Anyway, I'm sorry for the long story, but any advice or stories you have would be GREATLY appreciated.

I'm thinking WAY too much, and would love to be able to put my mind to rest. Thank you for taking the time to help me out.

[Andrew916]

You seem have a pretty good grasp of the situation. It sounds to me like she just needs that space. Saying that you'll be together with someone forever is a huge step and maybe she was looking at the situation and the gravity of her feelings and decided to step out for a bit to see if she really wants to settle down and go down that path. No contact will always be the way to go. She's taking this time to focus on herself and you should do the same. Remember it takes two to be in a relationship, so let her come back on her own. Trying to make her comeback or trying to persuade her will most likely only push her away. Respect the space, give it some time and all will work out for the best. Good luck! The future is always bright though you may not see it now.

-Drew

[PeaceandGood]

Drew,
Thank you so much for your response. I think you're right- she really does need space. When she first informed me that she needed a break, she kept saying "I just need space-I need some time- I need to be independent." I think I have done a decent job putting myself in her shoes. I have been there for her for nearly four years, and she is now in a huge transitional period in her life. I think she wants to make sure she can survive on her own for a bit.

I feel bad that I began to smother her. I think I started to become a something like a third parent. She did not want to have to check in with me or anything like that. On the bright side, I think this is the healthiest reason to put the relationship on hold. As I mentioned, there was no cheating/lying, etc. This also is allowing me to be optimistic because these are issues that can be fixed in time!

I agree that saying you want to be with someone forever is a huge step. We had talked about marriage and living together on numerous occasions. It is my opinion that it takes a whole lot more to lose those feelings. You may have been correct when you said she was looking at the gravity of her feelings... that's a great way to put it.

I think the no contact will allow her to focus on herself and cool off a bit. I truly believe that the time away will allow her to look at all the good we've brought to each others' lives, and forget the frustrations of the recent past. At the same time, I am showing myself that I can get by just fine without her. My life is carrying on, but not having my best friend around just shows me how great our relationship was.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

[talaniman]

Yes, peoples feelings do change from youthful romance to a need to explore life and see other options, and opportunities to be happy about herself, and what she is doing. Unfortunately that leaves a partner who is confused and puts their life on hold waiting for them to be missed and taken back.

No Contact is a good way to give them what they asked for but, then you wait and wait, for her to make a decision. That's no good, and you should take this opportunity to be happy with your own life, and what your doing, and looking around seeing your own options, and opportunities to be happy.

Whether it's a break, or a break up, you are responsible for your own happiness, and should never depend on another to make you happy. While I understand the fear of being alone, and the sting of rejection, and know how breaks/break ups suck to high heaven, putting your life on hold is not a healthy way to deal with your situation.

Building a life that you enjoy with friends, family, and activities that you look forward to, is what you do while you are waiting for her to see the light, or whatever else she is looking for. In this way, you will have a foundation to build on whether she comes back, or not.

[PeaceandGood]

Talaniman,
Thank you for your response. I agree, I have been focusing too much on when she'll come back and not enough on my current situation. I understand that I need to be happy as an individual just as she does. When she said she needed to take the break she said something along the lines of "I not only need the break to be independent, but I know you do too." She knows I have a wonderful group of friends, a fantastic family and a full time job. On top of that, I'm working on my master's degree. She knows I have a life outside of the relationship, but I needed to re-realize it- just as she needs to rediscover her individual self as well. I think she knows that by working on ourselves right now, it'll make us a stronger couple in the long run.

The toughest hurdle that I have faced is taking my mind off the "what ifs" and "whens" and focusing on the present and the good. I have a gut feeling that she will return, and knowing our relationship, I have good reason to be optimistic. It has been tough to leave it at that, though, and move on. I need to understand that anything can happen in the future- she may come back, she may not. I agree with what you said- I need to focus on myself for now so that we have a foundation to build on if she returns.

Thank you again for your input.

[talaniman]

I will be honest and frank, many breaks are a prelude to a more permanent break up, where a partner gets put in the friend zone. Its seldom an over night decision, as she probably has been thinking long, and hard about this move. More so, she has framed it as good for you too! That's hardly ever the case since she didn't consult with you on the matter. Worse, its open ended with no time table so what ifs, and whens are common on a break, because you never asked, and she never volunteered any such time or date for this to end.

It is for these reasons that you don't hold your breath, while she thinks on it, or foster false hope over her return, no matter if she wants to keep in touch or not. Most committed couples who see a future work on things, and are making such decisions together, not looking to take breaks which is more a result of changing feelings than any other reason.

While I understand you sympathize with her reasons for all this, it was not done by mutual agreement at all, but her choice and you just went along with it, and that was a great attitude to have. So unless you have a clear timetable, see this as a break up, and then those what ifs, and whens, will not bother you so much.

While your optimism, and faith in her to return is great, its only a feeling, and any decision on how you handle yourself going forward has to be tempered by the facts, and not just feelings. Give yourself a time line for when the optimism is no longer a fact (how long will you wait, and have hope of her return), and then have a plan ready to go if she isn't ready to return.

Sorry guy, optimism is not forever, but keeping it real is, and the way you handle what life has thrown at you is as real as it gets.

[PeaceandGood]

A bit of an update- I received a text message this morning informing me that her grandmother passed away last night. She asked if I could send her pictures from her graduation party over the summer. Her grandmother wasn't at the party, but there are one or two nice pictures of the family. She contacted me early, so it seems as if she turned to me first.

To be honest, seeing her name pop up on my phone made me feel like I was going to pass out. I had done so well going a week with no contact, and this has completely turned the tables. I sent her a couple pictures, and she was thankful for them. I felt it was the right thing to do. It seems like this was her way of letting me know about the situation, but it has left my mind racing. I am, again, keeping my distance. I do not want to only be there to comfort her- she should want me there because she loves me... maybe this could trigger some emotions.

I'm trying to look at this in a mature and selfless manner.

[PeaceandGood]

I guess a better way to put that is maybe this will allow herself to put things in perspective. Again, not trying to be selfish...

[Neco84]

I totally know where you're at right now! My girlfriend and I broke up around mid October and I'm just now starting no contact. We had lease issues and things that needed to be sorted out and blah blah blah. I agree with talaniman on this one... It sucks like hell but at the end of the day you are F*%@*ing YOURSELF over by holding your breath. Holding on in any way is allowing you to hold on to someone who pretty much told you that they want to be alone right now and is unsure about your future together in the relationship. I am with you dude! I am totally in love with my ex girlfriend and want her back like you wouldn't believe!! At the end of the day, if you do end up together in the future, this "break" will only help your relationship. If you don't end up back together, then how mad will you be at yourself for prolonging your mourning period for this break up? You will be sooooo pissed cause you'll be thinking, I would have been semi over her now had I NOT held my breath and accepted it in the first place!! True healing over a break up doesn't start until you accept the break up. So all in all, NOOOOOO CONTACT! She will either "realize she loves you" and come back or you will start healing yourself for the break up and move on! It's a Win Win for you!! :)

[Homegirl 50]

I don't think you should read anything in to this. She contacted you because you have pictures she wanted.
I think you need to move on with your life as if she is not there.
No contact is for you to heal and move on.

[answerme_tender]

You are giving yourself hope WHY--because she contacted you due to death in family! --Dont blow this out of perspective!

You need time to heal, believe me most of us of been exactly were you are--the hurt and pain, and yes the lonliness are endless. You think it will never end all these out of control emotions---BUT with time the healing does start, slowly just a little bit at a time. But if you continue to have contact, that just means you will continue to have HOPE. The never answered HOPE question, that is probably the worst to live with. Due yourself a favor---just go totally NO CONTACT even if it means changing you phone number.

[Neco84]

Comment on PeaceandGood's post


You and I seem to have some what of a similar relationship. For me as well, my breakup with my girlfriend will only make our relationship in the future that much stronger, or make our relationship with someone else in the future that much better by learning from previous mistakes.

Do not hold your breath as we've said. Look at this breakup as a Win Win for you! Finding yourselves to better THIS relationship or learning to better your NEXT one! :)

[magneton1]

I totally I agree with the comments posted so far , I my case we broke up in January and I was still hanging around her thinking there will be hope , I realized that she rather had me in the friends zone for 10 mnths now and was withdrawing herself slowly whiles I still had high hopes that things will remain the same , I never realised that she going out with some other guy with out me knowing bcos she never gave me a hint of that sort , she wanted me ard her till she cld let go of me in her own time , now that will hrut me a lot if that shd happen , the only option left for me is to go nc so that I can heal myself and move on with my life. I think you shd do the same, move on with your life .