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duchessm18 · Nov 29, 2010, 10:23 PM

My boyfriend (31) and I(25) are currently on a 'break'. We have been together for 4 yrs and we are both fully committed to each other with absolutely no problems.
From the first day I have met him, he told me how his parent divorce was so hard on him and his brother, and to this day problems are not resolved. He is 31 now and he still has phobia's about ending up like his parents and having his children go through what he did. It took us so long to get in a relationship because he always had fears. Finally he committed to me after I left him again 2 years ago in December.

Last year, in December he broke up with me because he wasn't sure if his feelings for me are love, or if he is just used to me. I left without saying a word. I even left the country for a while. He insisted to talk to me face to face (as he had sent an email ending things), I assured him its not required, and that the important thing was he didn't want to be with me. After a month and a half of sending me random msg's to check up on me, he finally persuaded me to meet him once I was back from my 'get-away' trip. We met up soon after I came and HE gave me the option of trying again. It was a very emotional day for me as this is the man I have tried so hard for so many years to be with, and now he was sure he loves me and wants to be with ME.

Our relationship became more serious as we went along, we even went on a second trip away together, and I helped him move and set up his new apartment. However, neither of us mentioned marriage but everyone else were making comments. In August, I hear that he has family issues again. His older brother has left his wife and 6yrs old boy, because he too is not certain if this is what he wants in life. The whole family has fallen apart. His mother blames his father, his father blames his brother, HE blames his mother for taking the brother in, and no one speaks to no one, but they all complain to him (he hasn't been on speaking terms with his brother for some time now)

A week ago he comes to me telling me he has his doubts again, and he is unsure whether the 'love' he feels now is going to be enough for later. If we are married, if we have children, how can he be sure it won't end up like his father (who cheated on his mother and is now married to that woman). He said he has had these thoughts for a while again , I pointed out that his brothers situation has triggered everything for him. He was determined to break up with me so he doesn't waste my time or ruin my life in the future. I begged him to let me help him. He asked for 5-6 days to clear his head. 3 days later I get a message telling me that he doesn't want me to miss opportunities, and that he needs to work on himself and its better to end things now rather than later. We met again. We cried and talked, and talked and cried. I finally agreed to leave. But he just cried and cried like I've never seen a man do, and said he was scared what would happen without me in his life,how he would never find someone like me and how he didn't want to tell me to leave, and yet he couldn't stay in a relationship when he has these thoughts.

We finally agreed to take a break, with no limit. Suddenly we were both relieved. We decided we will keep in touch and maybe meet up once in a while. He promised me he wouldn't send me surprise messages breaking up with me, and that whatever WE both decide, we will sit down and talk about it. But so far I haven't heard anything from him (ten days)

I have pleaded with him to see a psychologist. His mother has begged him too as she is incredibly supportive of our relationship. His family and friends all love me. He just will not accept it. HE just says he needs to be alone to clear his thoughts. However I feel it won't work as this has been his method all these years even before me. And the thoughts and doubts come back. I'm so desperate that I'm seeing a therapist myself as of Tuesday.

I just know that I love him so much, and he loves me. We are perfect together, and giving up on a future together because of a 'WHAT IF' is the biggest mistake we can ever do. No one knows what will happen in their future!! But the important thing is to try.. and fight for what you believe... right?

Andrew916 · Nov 30, 2010, 02:43 AM

It's incredibly important to fight for what you believe in but it's also important not to fight blindly. Your partner has clearly shown a distinct pattern. It's seems apparent to me that he has a lot of issues with self doubt and commitment. He fully commits to you when everything is fine and perfect but when things get a little rough he dips out and an avalanche of doubt falls on him. If you love him as much as you say you do, fight for this, but know that he has shown a pattern so don't be surprised if it happens again. Especially be weary if your contemplating marriage. It's the ultimate commitment so make sure- beyond a shadow of a doubt- that he's ready to commit and not back out. Marriage can be both heaven and hell but you'll have to stick with each other through it all. If you work hard at this and fight for it, I'm sure it'll be worth it but just remember- patterns. Good luck in life and love! Things will work out for the best even if its not immediately apparent :)

-Drew

duchessm18 · Nov 30, 2010, 04:12 AM

Thank you Drew.
I guess it doesn't really matter now. He broke it off about 3 hrs ago.
He said he needs to go through this now.. even though he knows he might be making a huge mistake, he already feels slightly better because he doesn't have to worry about me and what he's putting me through and perhaps my future.
He said he will never be fully happy about this decision, but only time will prove if it was the right thing to do.

I'm tired of trying to convince him everything will be OK... How can I fight for him when he won't allow me. I guess its really over this time. :(

mckenzie134 · Nov 30, 2010, 06:11 AM

Yes It is over. You keep talking about needing to fight, its quite obvious here that he is not as keen as he may once have been. He says what all guys will say and girls, I need time to work through this. That's a load of crap if he wants to be with you he would be with you. He wouldn't be telling Miss World I need some time to think about things. His idea is I will spend some time on my own and find someone else and if that doesn't work for me ill think about giving you another go cause you will be waiting around for me, that's why he tells you we should still be in contact so he knows what's happening with you, but you will only here from him when you either disappear and he wonders what your up too or when his bored. After this long he would know what he wants, he definitely dowesnt need time to work it out he needs time to find someone else!!

talaniman · Nov 30, 2010, 08:36 AM

Yes this sad saga with this dysfunctional fellow should be over, and you need to disappear from his life, and rebuild your own that makes you happy, and never look back.

Have no further contact or connection to him because the fighting is over, and healing needs to begin. You will never heal if you have any further contact with him, and you will never find your own happiness if you allow him back in your life again. I do mean NEVER!

Sorry for your loss, but please move forward, and do better!