[mnbvmnbv]

Hey guys, I want to be really brief, but I doubt that I can be because of the situation. Sorry in advance, if its too big to read :(

5 years ago, I started loving someone and she loved me too. There were some practical problems such as long distance (I live in the US, She is in the Asia) and she being older (1.5 years) than me, and families are close friends - probably would not have accepted us since they always thought of us as cousins even though there is no blood relation. So we decided to move on.

She started new relationship after few months, but I was never told about that until 3 years into it (2 years ago basically and when I was told, I did not react to it in any way because she was out of my mind completely).

I never tried to get into any relationship with anyone after it so I have been single all the time. We kept meeting every couple of years because families were close and every time love came back from her side, but I never let it grow. She did not tell me about her boyfriend even at those times when she was letting me know how much she still loved me. Partly it was my fault because I never gave her importance in middle years and so she did not bother to tell me, but yet was still expecting me to come back. I was always bad replying her emails back in middle years. Some of those emails were about her missing me and all that, but I did not pay much attention to them.

Recently, I read emails back and just I don't know why but I just started loving/missing her so much… I told her everything. She told me she was having problems with him and they ended their relationship soon. She came to USA for something (After 1 month of break up with him), and we talked a lot.. and fell in love. This time we decided to not worry about practical problems - I think our families are little broader and times have changed and I accepted her past as well as her not telling me about it earlier.

Now coming to the problem: I am in US and She is still in India. She lives in the same city as her ex (they had 5 years of relationship, btw). She is in contact with him almost everyday on phone/chat - hardly meeting in parties. I can only chat because phone is really expensive, so chat does it for us. I do feel insecure because she is so close to him and they had a very strong relationship. I told her yesterday about me feeling insecure about all this and her reply was that its hard for her to just forget 5 year relation and move into 2 month relation that fast. She still feels guilty for him because he is alone right now and he has some other tensions going on. I asked her to tell him about us and she said it will bother him more so she does not want to as of now.

I trust her a lot and she is a good person. Sweet and cute. Then there are events that creates doubt such as she never informed about her relationship until very late and she did not tell me about having foreplay with him very late too. Some of the stuff I got to know after her and mine relationship started. She claimed that she could not tell before because it would have hurt me.

I feel that importance to relationship is missing. I don't mind her staying friends with an ex who she loved a lot and had a deep relation with, but staying in contact everyday is completely different thing. She praises him and he might be a great person - I don't know him. But I don't want her to feel guilty about him or should I be okay with it?

On other side, We are only into 2 months of relationship and we did had foreplay so that does indicate commitment because in general, she is not a person who gets into such things easily.

Just comment on how should I take all this… I am new to relationships and don't know how to handle it.

[Jake2008]

You have a lot of things that indicate this relationship is not off to a great start.

The first one is your history together, that, if I read this right, never really got off the ground in the first place. Distance being a key factor, and you were not in a solid relationship, for the reasons you said.

Next is the fact that she was professing love for you, while at the same time, being in a 'committed', long term relationship, with another man. In fact, you didn't even know of this other man. And you've said he doesn't know about you, either.

She is still in a relationship, with another man. She may not call it as such, but that is what it is. She is not out of this relationship, so she is not available, to be in another She cannot have two men on the go, regardless of how many miles separate you. She cannot have you remain dedicated and devoted to only her, when she is not dedicated and devoted, to only you.

You are reading past email, and looking for confirmation that this is love, and that you may have somehow been responsible for missing some important clues, such as not being as attentive toward her as she was to you, or not emailing as much as you should have been, or talking, or visiting etc. enough. You are wondering (if I read you right) if you have been in love with her all this time, and didn't realize it.

But if you read your own words carefully enough, you will see that you did the right thing, and that was, for whatever reasons at the time, you realized that a relationship just wasn't going to work out. You didn't sit and stew about it, or decide to keep possibilities open, you did the right and mature thing, and let her go.

All those reasons for being without her then, are still there. Only add to that that she has an ongoing relationship with a man she calls her 'ex' but who is not an ex by any stretch of the imagination. You are not wrong to think there is something weird about her not wanting him to know she is single, and pursuing other relationships. It is because she has not left him.

There is much to be said about a woman, no matter how 'cute' or 'sweet' she is. You may think of her as a 'good person', but when it comes to making a judgment about people who use other people for their own selfish reasons (remember she is not being true to you, nor is she being true to herself, nor is she being true to her current 'ex'), in my book, she is not a good person. Remember she kept her 'ex' a secret for, what was it? Two years? You can bet your bippy she kept you a secret too.

But, it is not her behaviour toward you alone, that is at question here. It is your own behaviour, and how you see this relationship that is developing. Is there honesty, trust, fidelity, commitment? Are you communicating to the extent where you want the relationship to proceed with mutual goals and in a long term way, perhaps toward marriage in the futre? Is she meeting any of those markers? Are your needs being met, or can you see your needs being met? Are her needs being met by defining the relationship with you? Is she free to seriously have a relationship, or is it more she is keeping one relationship going, with the possibility of you, being in second place, will catch up and win the prize.

Add all of that to being thousands of miles away, and what does it all honestly add up to. Even without the miles between you, there is still a man between the two of you, and he could have lived around the corner or across town these past five years, and you wouldn't have known about that either.

Three people in a relationship, doesn't work. Distance such as you've described, seldom works either. And that is not a fault of either you, or her, but simply the distance, and by putting living itself, on hold, doesn't normally work out. The level of commitment to accomplish a solid relationship, just based on logistics, puts you behind the eight ball, right off the bat.

I would say, unless I'm totally off the mark here, and you have more to add to change the general impression of what you have written in your post, that your first decision not to pursue a relationship with her, was the right one. Then, and now

[talaniman]

I do feel insecure because she is so close to him and they had a very strong relationship. I told her yesterday about me feeling insecure about all this and her reply was that its hard for her to just forget 5 year relation and move into 2 month relation that fast. She still feels guilty for him because he is alone right now and he has some other tensions going on. I asked her to tell him about us and she said it will bother him more so she does not want to as of now.

She hasn't finished her old relationship yet! She is doing to him, what she has done to you, not told one of you about the other. That dishonest, and I think you forgave her much to fast, but worse, she is still doing it. That would be unforgivable a second time, and I would be out of her life forever.

[mnbvmnbv]

1. She is in constant contact with her ex boyfriend. I am new in her life. She is not willing to tell him anything because she does not want to hurt him anymore because he is alone and as well having some career difficulties.

2. It's a long distance relationship. I have asked her several times to tell other people about us but she is not willing to tell anyone about our relation except one of her close friend. Only reason I am asking her to disclose is because she likes to flirt and I know couple of her friend are interested in her, so I asked her to indicate you are not single anymore, but she is unwilling to do so. I am far so I don't know anything about who she talks and how - that's why I feel insecure

3. I have told her couple of times that I am feeling insecure, her reply always is "do not think about it".

4. Is it a problem if she dances close with one of her past crushes (who she praises and says he is cool)? I think with all of the other things, I am paying more attention to this than it deserves.

[Devorameira]

It doesn't sound like you're secure enough to be involved in a long distance relationship.

I know you really care about her, but with her being so far away you seem to let your imagination run wild.

Has she ever done anything that has really given you reason to not trust her? If she's a trustworthy person, then you need to deal with your feelings and let her live her life. If you feel like you can't trust her, then you need to break it off and find someone you can trust.

[mnbvmnbv]

Comment on Devorameira's post
Well long story short: We developed a relationship 5 years ago and then broke it for practical reasons. She had a boyfriend after few months but she told me about him only 2 years ago (so after 3 years) but She loved me all the way these 5 years too.

He is the ex I am talking about - it was a strong 5 year relationship while she still loved me. I once asked her to promise me that she told everything that took place between him & her and she lied. I had clues so I asked questions & truth came out.

[talaniman]

Reader caution
When the threads were merged you can see his first post had more information in it which may confuse those who haven't read it. Thats why they were merged

[DoulaLC]

Since she is unwilling to let it be known that she is in a relationship with you, that indicates she is not ready to consider it a serious relationship.
She just ended a long, serious relationship and is not ready to jump into another one just yet.

Since you really like her, give it some more time for the two of you to build a relationship and see where it goes. Chat as often as possible, try not to question her on whether she is still has any contact with this other guy. It may be the time you spend together when she was in the US was just a fun time for her; one she got caught up in with feeling wanted and cared about with someone she was comfortable with since she just broke up with her longtime boyfriend.

If you don't feel you can deal with the situation as it is, let her know to contact you when she is completely done with this other relationship and feels that she is ready to move on. You can remain friendly and chat now and then, but guard your heart... spend time with your friends, date others if you meet someone you are interested in, etc..