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helpmepleaseee · Aug 16, 2009, 09:20 PM

I started dating this girl(let's call her G) at the end of highscool and things went really well for about a year. She was absolutely perfect for me and I seemed to be good for her as well. We really loved each other a lot and understood each other very well. Then, we both went through some personal issues(mostly, identity crises) and blamed our personal anguish on a problem with the relationship, I broke up with her. I dated another girl for about eight months later and it just wasn't the same and it ended pretty abruptly and sloppily. For almost the entire duration of this new relationship, G and I didn't talk at all. For like the last month of the relationship and for two months after, G and I talked every day, a lot. It was totally harmless and in good fun though, we did used to be best friends after all. Somewhere along the way though, I realized that I had either never fallen out of love with her, or fell right back in love with her, HARD. I decided not to tell her how I felt right away because the last thing I wanted was to compromise our friendship(assuming she didn't love me as well). One day though, a few friends and I we going to go see a movie(some of them were her friends as well) and I asked G if she wa ted to go with us. She said "sure, just let me ask my dad". Let me give you a crash course on her dad, just so you know what we're dealing with. He is for the most part a good guy and really does love G. Her mother is no longer in the picture, so it's just him and grandma, it has been since she was two. He is VERY controlling and VERY irrational. He has G convinced that she cannot survive in this world without him and his approval. Anyway, we go to the movie and she isn't there and hasn't called me back.. she calls shortly after the movie starts and I went into the hallway to answer it to get some quiet. She is crying, my heart sinks. She tells me that for the past half hour or so her dad has been yelling at her.. Here is the long and short of their conversation.. he thinks that I "never cared about her" and that I "used her". He doesn't even know me.. We only met once, not due to a lack of effort on my end, but on his. First of all, if I was "using her" and was getting such a great deal out of it then why did I break up with her? And second, dude doesn't know me! Anyway, from that day to the next, all communication ceased between G and me. A few weeks later, I decided to tell her how I felt, I didn't know what I had to lose at this point.. It turns out, that she felt(feels) the same way about me! I was so excited! I asked her, "what now? What about your dad? What do we do?" and she responded with.. "Nothing". She felt like there was no way out of or around her situation.. I know that she isn't totally independent of her father, but we are both 20 yrs old and I don't live at home with my parents I mean.. there are options.. I would prefer for her to not "F U dad!" and just move in with me because that would probably cause resentment between her and me down the road and I would like for her and her dad to be okay.. but I would take that over nothing.. -Backtracking to her father for a moment- I understand that being a father can be difficult and for your daughter to date is scary but.. I'm not the worst guy in the world. I don't smoke or do drugs, I don't drink.. I'm about to start my 3rd year in college and I work full-time. I volunteer at the local boys and girls club.. I never hit her or cheated on her, and I was always very respectful to both her and her family. -Back on track- She felt like it was an un-winnable battle and essentially gave up for the time being. I tried for a couple more weeks to change her mind but eventually let her go.. I told her that I respect her decision even though I disagree with it. That just a few days before the next development in the story.. Yesterday, I found out that she has had a boyfriend for the past three weeks. It turns out that once she gave up on the idea of her and I dating at the moment, she decided to date someone else to try and make herself feel better and get over it faster. Incidentally, he turned out to be a really nice guy. That's awesome for her but terrible for me. I reacted unfavorably at first to this information but then cooled my jets and told her that I was happy for her. She made it clear to me that she probably shouldn't have dated him and the she loves me all the same but she still needs to give him a fair chance, I agreed(sigh). I made her promise that she would stay in touch with me and I promised I wouldn't cross any boundaries and I won't try to compromise their relationship. She goes back to school in two weeks(it's about an hour dive away) and I'm secretly hoping that the distance will break up their new and fragile relationship. I don't know exactly what my question is, but I'm just really confused and sad and would like some advice/comments/anything?

britEl · Aug 16, 2009, 09:38 PM

Hello,
Well first off you 2 are 20 years old, why is her dad still insisting on controlling her life and why is she letting him? I understand they love each other, but being so protective and so involved in her life he is doing it in a negative way. Basically I think that her dad has to cut the umbilical cord already.
Also she says she loves you but still wants to give this guy a chance, even though she says she is so in love with you, why would she put you through that if she loves you? There doesn't seem to be a point to it if she is saying she loves you she should be with you not caught up with another guy.
This girl seems to be one of those girls who let others control her life and lets them do it easily.

N0help4u · Aug 16, 2009, 09:41 PM

First thing she needs to get independent and on her own so her dad doesn't have as much influence on her.
Then you need to just wait it out and see if they do break up or give up and move on.

Right now your hands are tied and you did everything you could and she knows exactly how you feel. She has to decide if she wants to be in a commitment with this guy or if he is only boyfriend material that she ends up leaving.
In the meantime all you can do is sit and wait or get on with your life until she does call back

HelpinHere · Aug 16, 2009, 10:20 PM

Obviously, her father is overprotective of her. Now, we can't vouch for you, since we don't really know you, just what you have told us, but either way, she is grown, it is her life. No matter if you are a good guy or a bad, it is her decision to make whether to be with you. Her father should be there to comfort and encourage, not control. If she doesn't realize this, or accept it, then she isn't as grown as she should be.

All I have to say, is it sounds like she really likes you, but she doesn't really love you. She still wants to be friends, but has moved on. She doesn't want to hurt you. But, if she really loved you, she would make it work with you, not try to make it work with someone else.

Sorry if it's harsh, but it's the truth as I see it with the information given.

helpmepleaseee · Aug 17, 2009, 10:28 AM

Thanks for the advice and comments

hill4life13 · Aug 17, 2009, 10:51 AM

First u should ask her does she loves u and if she sayes yes then tell her if u love me so much then u would be with me and not with him

missindia · Aug 17, 2009, 07:49 PM

I think she do like u but she is not committed to u. She is looking for option who will be liked by her dad and she can peacefully continue her relationship.

talaniman · Aug 18, 2009, 09:20 AM

Leave her alone, to find her own happiness, and you do the same.

crisluvsu731 · Aug 18, 2009, 10:30 AM

Well, I went through the same thing with my dad. I believe she does love you, from what you have said. But I had a controlling father, I went crazy trying to find someone that my dad would approve of. I am now 22 and I am with a guy that my dad truly likes, but it's because he is a good guy and my dad knows I am happy. She needs to stop lying to her dad and herself and come out with the truth. There are ways for her to see counseling and it will help her stand up to her dad without ruining the relationship that she has with him. It will be hard, but if she loves you like she says, she will do all she can to be with you and help her dad understand her feelings. That's all a dad wants, is to know that their daughters are loved, happy, and in good hands. If it's meant to be, it will happen. Just hope for the best.

It's up to you if you want to wait around until she is ready, but who knows how long that could be.

Hope this helps, best luck to you.

helpmepleaseee · Aug 21, 2009, 02:02 AM

Thanks again for all of the help. I think that I have decided to not close myself off from anything. I will not look for anyone else, but if someone comes along, I will not turn them away. I have kept in touch with her, just trying not to cross any boundaries. Still confused and upset, but I will be OK.

pnkydo123 · Sep 1, 2009, 07:11 PM

Edited/ https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/no-chat-speak-no-text-talk-303157.html

I'm only 15 but I think I may be able to help you. I don't see why her dad is still controlling her like crazy. She is an adult, and she can make her own decisions. I understand what she is going through, because I am also daddy's little girl, but my dad is not like that at all. I think you should read the Twilight books. There are 4 books, and the story line reminds me of what you are going through. I don't know if reading them will help you but they might.

I hope everything works out for the both of you.

Julianagra · Nov 18, 2010, 09:50 PM

I just wanted to state that I am in a very similar situation.

I was in a 'secret' relationship with a boy I really liked for about a month before he broke up with me because he was afraid of getting too attatched to me (he's lost two people he loved, including his mom, within the past month.). Then he asked another girl out a week later. He told me the next night that he was starting to regret it already, because he knew how much it hurt me, but he liked her enough to not want to ruin her first relationship (she's a junior, he's a senior). A few days ago, he told me he loved me. Loves me. And I love him too and I told him that. I wish so much I could be with him, but I will not let him cheat with me (he likes me more) and I don't want to make him hurt her for me. Apparently he has something to tell me tonight, but I haven't asked yet... I love him so much, but there's no real way to fix this situation.