[Stevan231]

My girlfriend and I have been for 9 month together. She was going through some very rough patches when I met her and I fully supported her (some guys would have just ran away). We broke up after 5-6 months because in that time while I cared about her, I cared more about me and my needs and sometimes I would threaten her and tell her to go home if she won't have sex when I felt like it. After the breaking up we realized we can't live withouth each other and got back togheter, but I changed and never insisted when she wasn't in the mood. The thing is we had a lot of sex at the beginning and I got used to it, plus I'm pretty hung around her. The problem is we ended up having sex 2 times/week and sometimes she would just do it because she felt obligated, plus she never initiated.

I confronted her about this and she said that I'm just obsessed with sex, but I asked around some girl buddies of mine and none of them thought 2 times/week is normal, because I have my own place and we meet every day (she doesn't live with me).

My girlfriend said it could be because she thinks I'm obsessed about having sex, not with her, but in general. I'm not that kind of guy who would jump on any occasion and have sex with anyone, and I tried explaining that to her. We ended up with the agreement that we won't have sex for a month so I could demonstrate that.

My question are:

1. Could she really think that? I told her that I like having sex with her, that's why I want it so often (once every 2 days would be enough, but I won't say no to every day).

2. Am I not attractive to her anymore and this 1 month pause is just perfect to get me off her back? Could she just like me as a friend and have sex from time to time just so we won't break up? (on the 'friend' part we get along perfectly, we could have been BFF in another life).

I told her that I think she doesn't feel the chemistry anymore and she said it's not that and if I don't believe her, we can drop the 1 month pause. If I'm 100% sure she wants this pause only to convince herself that I like having a lot of sex only with her, not with any other girl, I'll be glad to show that to her, but I'm afraid this isn't the motive. Could she be so scarred from the first part of our relationship? I fell bad saying this, but there were a few times when she was almost crying when giving me a bj. I told her that I regret that a lot, she might not believe me. I'm 22, she's 21.

I don't want to have a relationship where having sex is a chore for her and even tough I love her, I'd preffer breaking up rather than see her unhappy.

PS : the sex is great when it happens. She was with 3 guys before (one of them for 18 months); she rarely had internal orgasms when having sex and with me it happens 90% of the time so I won't blame it on bad sex.

[Cat1864]

How long did the break up last? How long have you been back together?

This is going to be harsh:

You pretty much repeatedly date raped your girlfriend who was in a vulnerable place and needed support for five to six months. You damaged her trust in you and made your wants and desires greater than her needs and feelings. Now, you say you have changed. It will take time for her to fully believe that things are different.

She is giving you a chance to rebuild the trust and to show that sex isn't everything to you and that she as a person matters not just what you can make her do. It is going to take a long time and a lot of work to get past the beginning of your relationship. A lot of understanding that she is probably scared that you will revert to the way you acted before.

I notice that you are still thinking about what you want. Talk with her openly and honestly. Find out what she wants. Find out what she likes and needs. Give her time to feel like she can show you that she is attracted to you without feeling like she is going to be pounced on or things will go farther than she is wanting.

If you have sex two times a week, how many more times are you making it clear that you want it? Do you ever show affection for the sake of showing you care and not because you are expecting sex?

By the way, what your female friends think is immaterial. They didn't have you forcing them to have sex when they didn't want to.

[Stevan231]

I guess you're right, she mentioned before that she thinks I didn't change and that sometimes she thinks I'm going out with her just to get back at my place. The break-up was for 1 week (2 if you count I was out of town before that) but we kept in touch and she always begged me to still be friends when I said we won't see each other anymore (so I guess it wasn't a real breakup, just a signal that she can't take it anymore). While we were separated she kept saying that she doesn't want to get back together because I'm abusing her.

We always talk honestly and open and lately I think I'm starting to bug her about the 'not wanting to have sex part' but your answer helped, at least now I'm 99% sure it's because our past and not that she doesn't find me attractive/she likes somebody else.

Thanks for the answer, I'm pretty sure this month won't be so hard on me now :)