[Cowled_Wolfe]

Howdy all. Let me give you a primer on my relationship to date...

I'm a guy, my girlfriend is a girl (duh!). We started going out in early November of 2006. She goes to a college 300 miles away, and only comes up on breaks (her parents live about 15 miles away from me). When she wasn't up here, we always talked on MSN and phone. Usually we tried to get in one call a day.

We broke up yesterday. I want to assert that even though she isn't blame-free, it IS mostly my fault (in my opinion).

The initial problem was that she's a very independent girl. We're talking 4.0 GPA plus extra-curricular activities plus actively working towards her future career. It didn't seem like there was much I could do for her... Or so I thought.

I constantly felt useless in the relationship. I enjoyed our time together, but eventually it seemed like most of our conversations consisted of me asking for reassurance that she wanted me (I felt like if I wasn't needed, I wasn't wanted... Boy was I wrong!) I think my need for reassurance wore her out.

Anyway, yesterday we had a call to discuss where our relationship stood and what was going on. She dropped a bombshell: There were times when she DID need me, and when she DID need me to reassure her... But I didn't pick up on her cues. Basically, I wanted to be there for her, but I missed the chance.

She says she still loves me, but that we shouldn't try to work it out. The distance factor is just too stressful for both of us...

Well, I'm single now. Furthermore, we've agreed on no contact until this coming Friday (it was her idea). I hated the idea at first, but it's making more sense now. I need time to clear my head. (And secretly, I hope she'll miss me / realise what she's lost -- even though I worry that instead she'll feel better than ever now that we're apart.)

Anyway, I want you guys to comment on my plan of action. Plus, I feel more committed to a plan of action if I make it "public" here...

Short-term:
1.) Destroy all reminders of her, with the exception of ones worth keeping.
2.) For reminders worth keeping, put them in a shoebox in the nether regions of my closet.
3.) Put all email from her in a special folder, so I won't see our old messages on a daily basis.
4.) Delete her from MSN so that I won't know if she's on or not.
5.) Keep busy. Find things to do.

Mid-term:
1.) Don't talk for a week.
2.) Make our first re-contact VERY short. Don't give myself time to say something stupid.
--2.1.) If I seem like I can control myself, re-add her to MSN.
--2.2.) If I can control myself, keep limited contact -- email every other day perhaps.
3.) If I can't control my feelings, tell her we need another week off.
4.) Repeat #3 as long as necessary.

Basically, I'm looking for 'limited no contact'... I don't want to talk if I can't stay calm, collected, rational, and friendly... But if I can control my emotions, I'd like to stay in touch.

Long-term:
1.) If/when I feel ready to try again, find out if she feels the same by asking her family.
2.) If #1 seems positive, ask her.
3.) Try to be the best boyfriend I can.

What do you think? Am I setting myself up for failure?

Cheers,
Wolfe.

[LBP]

You're thinking about it way too much, my friend. The best thing is to let her go.

[talaniman]

Better plan,
1-No contact
2-Get busy living your own life, and working through your own baggage and insecurities.
3-Leave her alone and realise that long distance relationships are hard on everybody, that's why they seldom work.

[Bluerose]

"Am I setting myself up for failure?"

Yes I'm afraid so. Couples make plans together, they don't make plans for each other. Asking her family how she feels about you? What age are you? Plans can so easily turn into scheming plans. Be up front, ask her face to face what she wants from the relationship. If she is unsure let her alone to think about it but let her know you would like an answer by... whatever. Don't let it drag on. If she is distant, it's time to move on and stop harassing the poor girl - and her family.

[Cowled_Wolfe]

Thanks, guys. Especially you, bluerose.

I like that you said "scheming plans". I wasn't ready to think of my idea in that way, but you're right. If anything is to be done, it needs to be done mutually. Not as a couple (because that would imply we were back together), but definitely as an agreed upon course of action.

I also think I need to work on letting go for awhile. At this early stage, I can't stop thinking about her, but I need to stop. I also need to work on abandoning hope... I wish she had given me something to be angry about, because that would make it easier... But still, I do need to let go.

Cheers,
Wolfe.

[EDIT: I just realised that "working together" and "letting go" are pretty much mutually exclusive... I guess letting go ought to take priority.]

[momincali]

Those are a lot of steps to take that don't guarantee it will either work or be easy. And asking her family how she feels? Kind of silly involving them.

Go with Tal's plan. Worry about how you will get along, not whether she will be ready to talk to you some day. Do delete her from your MSN and other things, the least temptation you put in front of yourself, the better.

And just for future reference, you're not a mind reader, no man is, next time a girl needs you or your support, she has a mouth, she should use it, say it "I need your support right now". So, don't kick yourself too hard for that one.